MY MOTHER RECAPS THE REAL HOUSEWIVES: They’re Just a Bunch of Dumb Women in Gorgeous Homes

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This week on Bravo’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey, episode entitled “Same Sh*t, Different Day,” not all that much happened. The thick as thieves family still campaigned against Danielle, while Danielle’s daughter embarked on what very well may be a successful modeling career. And then there is Theresa’s daughter, Gia, who makes up for a lack of model looks with personality!!

While this episode was fairly slow in comparison to the Housewives of New York, I phoned up my dear Mother as per usual to get her feelings on the show. Through a pre-sleep haze, we get the following:

On What’s Her Name

Whats her name? Jacqueline. I feel bad for her. Poor girl. She barely had a chance to order before she’s being interrogated there. She didn’t even bring Danielle up. They have nothing to talk about! They sit there to bawl her out against Danielle, who they haven’t seen since last season. Why don’t you just let this one live? I don’t like that.

Also, look, Danielle is a whore and a lowlife, but she’s got very cute little girls. They should have never entered the conversation. They don’t look innocent? They look very cute! Last week, when she wanted to bust up their party, it was Danielle’s own children that stopped her.

Caroline Manzo is Dunzo in Judy’s Book

Caroline is turning out to be a little Jill, a Jill in disguise, a sh*tstirrer. They’re a little mafia there. We live in a democracy! That girl (Jackie) can be friendly with who ever she wants, its her and her husband’s business. I tell you something, though, that salad sure looked delicious.

Christine Staub, Supermodel

Let me tell you something: That girl is drop dead stunning. She looks like, uh, what’s her name…

Me: Mariel Hemingway.

Mom: Yes, Mariel Hemingway! Daddy, what was I saying?

Dad: Mariel Hemingway.

Mom: What a beauty. And sweet as sugar! I really resent Caroline for bring her into it. The girls had nothing to do with anything. These are innocent little girls.

You know who that Gilles Bensimmon is? It’s Kelly’s ex-husband. (Ed. Note: I knew.) That’s huge. That’s huge.

On Gia, Mom’s Favorite Little J-Hater

Let me tell you who else I like: Theresa’s little girl Gia. She has a little attitude! She moves her ass. The kid is adorable. When she was smiling and she wanted to be serious, she touched her cheeks to wipe her smile off her face. She’s not a pretty girl, but she’s got a personality!

I like Gia, when she said “I don’t want to marry a Jewish man with the sideburns,” Daddy and I were sh*tting laughing when she was doing that curly thing with the payos (sideburns). You know what? I also didn’t want to marry him! I thought I was going to eat her up. She’s not gorgeous like Danielle’s daughters, but she has a personality, this is a riot. You know what? She got the model walk down. She should go on America’s Next Top Model and teach those girls how to walk. She’s got the snap! I’m really impressed with that little girl.

Breaking Down the 4th Wall of Reality Television

Let me tell you, I don’t know how a lowlife like Danielle got in with these women. Unless they’re directing her. It could be the show, she might even be higher class than what we’re seeing. But her children are so sweet. The girl, nevermind pretty, they’re just very lovely. No other words. She’s very blessed. And it could be that those other girls are very jealous.

It has to be the show pushing her to call them! We are not stupid. There is no way that if somebody treats you like sh*t, there is just no way you keep crawling back. On the other hand, if she’s going to sever all relationships with them and you just take the sisters, what show is that? She’s causing a big feud there. It’s ridiculous. They should have gotten another housewife. They get other ones in the OC and New York? If she doesn’t mesh, get her out and bring in somebody else. She’s like a leper. Why do you keep a leper in the show? Get her out and bring another person.

They seemed to be very lovely women at her lunch. Did they come because the cameras were there or did they come for her? But her daughter is drop dead gorgeous and sweet. I’m sure they had their embarrassment at school from their mother. The young one is at an awkward stage but she’ll be beautiful. Daniel has a gorgeous figure. I’m sure a nosejob, but overall she’s a pretty woman. (Ed. Note: I can’t even.)

“Now Jacqueline’s Daughter is Trash.”

Now Jacqueline’s daughter is trash. Talking about trash? (Ed. Note: We weren’t.) There you go. An uneducated nothing. And looks like she can’t control her. The girl always has a smile on her face. Like, wipe that stupid smile off your face already.

The mother looks at her like she was hit by a truck. (Ed. Note: No idea what this means, moving on…) She’s not putting her foot down enough! I never hear the word “education” amongst these people. Go to college! Continue your education, something! No. You live with a guy who’s four years older than you? As long as you’re with him, don’t come in my house, that’s what I would say. (Laughing) I’m sorry. She brought her the laundry in the black garbage bag. I thought “Doesn’t she even have a luggage like Michelle?” “And take your laundry with you!” I swear I heard my Mother saying it.

We never saw Jackie have great interaction with her older daughter. She’s very doting on the two little children. It’s possible – listen I’m the worst psychiatrist – it could be that the girl is looking for attention and not getting it. The mother got remarried, has these two little bambinos, and the other says “What am I? Chopped liver?” So she does stuff for attention

The Ham Game and Education

Look at the kids there by Caroline. I don’t hear one Einstein amongst all of them. Albie is cute, but I don’t like him. He’s an assh*le. What’s to like?

Michelle: He’s cute.

Mom: A cute retarded guy, that’s wonderful Michelle.

What was that ham thrown on that beautiful kitchen? And it wasn’t thrown from a 5 year old. I don’t find that funny.

Where We Reach Our Conclusions

It’s not as exciting as New York. To me, it’s the worst. There is like nothing there. I’ll give you that Theresa looks better this year than last year. You usually look dog ugly when you’re pregnant, but she looks fabulous. Caroline, who’s supposed to be the matriarch and at least have some wisdom, the minute they sit down, “So you’re seeing Danielle?” Why don’t you talk about the weather and some politics? They’re just a bunch of dumb women in gorgeous homes.

**THE END**

What did you think of the episode? Is anyone super entertained by these Jersey Housewives, or can we all pretty much agree this season is weak so far by comparison? Leave your opinions in our comments section.