MY MOTHER RECAPS THE REAL HOUSEWIVES: Amazing That Nobody Pushed Her Overboard

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The Real Housewives of New York just keeps getting better and better. Whether they’re in the city, or the Hamptons, or the Virgin Islands, or a yacht, the drama is brought. A quick survey of the international meeting of the minds that occurred last night:

Luann De Lesseps opened the episode recording her husky tones, and we start to wonder if she might be the Smoke Monster on Lost. Meanwhile, Ramona Singer hosted half of our housewives — Bethenny Frankel, Kelly Bensimmon, Alex McCord, and Sonja Morgan — on a gorgeous yacht known as The Olga in the Virgin Islands. That’s where Kelly’s brain spring broke like so many of Sonja’s mattresses, and sh*t got surreal.

Without further ado, the legendary Mrs. Judy Collins, also my Mother, had plenty to say about this episode and also Kelly. That Kelly. Let us begin:

On That Kelly, Neigh, Mr. Ed:

Let me tell you, and you know this is just between you and me.  This season, I’m watching Survivor,they have Villains and the Heroes. This season of Housewives is turning into the Smart ones — you know, the normal ones — against the abnormal ones. That Kelly is an animal. She looked like a horse. I don’t understand why she always busts out on Bethenny! It really… it’s embarrassing.

More On Kelly Later. What About Luann’s Singing Career?

Did you watch Luann on Andy Cohen‘s show later? The woman literally sounds… fooy, I can’t believe it.  Oh, and she got a record deal!  Just to show you that there’s no talent left in this country.  It’s Armageddon, I’m serious. You tell me American Idol is talentless this season. Now this.  I don’t know what to call her, this… she got a record deal!

I’m trying to think, where was it? Who said something about Itzhak Perlman… I’m so confused from all the shows I’m watching.

Michelle: You mean when the producer compared Luann to Itzhak?

Mom: I mean, can you believe this? To even put Itzhak Perlman in her category… it’s blasphemy, that’s how I’m looking at it. Blasphemy.

And Now, Presenting… The Olga

Ramona, out of the goodness of her heart, invited everybody. Now Jill had the brains to bow out. “Bethenny’s gonna be there? I can’t go.” That is the same what this Mr. Ed should have said.  “She’s not my friend! Why should I go on a yacht on vacation with someone who I can’t contain myself around.”  You say “No thank you,” stay home and fight with sombody else.  I feel bad for Bethenny.  I have no words. And where can you hide on this yacht?!  Then, Bethenny and the other one decided to leave, and they followed her to the other yacht!! Shameless. No difference between her and Danielle (of Real Housewives of New Jersey) except Danielle has prettier kids.

“We all have dumb thoughts, we just don’t say them!”

I think Kelly’s got some mental imbalance, that goes without saying. A bright human being has a sift in the brain! This is stupid, I’m not gonna say it. She doesn’t have the sieve in the brain to sift the stupid from the smart.  We all have dumb thoughts, we just don’t say them!

On Andy Cohen, they have people Tweet in these polls.  Bethenny got one percent, Luann got one percent, but ninety-seven percent of people think Kelly is f*cked up. “I have children. This is how I’m going to behave knowing my kids are gonna watch it?” I would die of shame!! And she’s ugly! Any opportunity she has to twist and just irk that poor Bethenny…

“Did She Visit Colombia, The Country?” — B-Franks

That was the best.  Colombia, the country.  Maybe Kelly’s on drugs and they f*cked up her brain. Did you check to see if she really graduated from Columbia? Somebody should. Cause I… there is… no way.  I have to be on Bethenny’s side, I don’t see an intelligence ever coming out of her mouth.  From someone who graduated from Columbia University? This girl didn’t even graduate from CUNY! (Lots of laughter) (Ed. Note: Pronounced Koo-nee)

On Luann’s Liplock

Let me tell you: When you’re desperate like Luann, when an alta cocker dumps you — and I don’t see anybody knocking down her door — that guy seems like a prize. “Oh my God, he’s a published author!!”  Well… wonderful.  He’s like what’s his name?  What’s that cat’s name?  From the book??  Barkley…  Garfield!  Garfield.  Don’t write that because obviously somebody is writing Garfield. “Oh, he goes to the Hamptons!” Well, whoop-dee-doo, your husband from the Hamptons dumped you. The Count.  Oh, and this guy took her to a very interesting place… right next the garbage dump.

I don’t see anybody knocking on the door of Kelly either. I don’t see her dating anyone worthy, a CEO or something, or anybody.  If she ends up with a bartender, she should be very happy.  Though I really hate to put bartenders down. I’m sorry. I apologize, bartenders.

On Andy, the best was somebody called in and said to Luann “What do you think about Caroline [Manzo] hating you?”  So Caroline called in.  “I can’t stand you [Luann] because 3 times I’ve met you, and 3 times you lifted your nose in the air and didn’t say hello.” Luann goes “I didn’t mean to! It won’t happen again!”  You know what? Get over yourself, you Gornisht mit Gornisht!  She happened to be pretty, much prettier than Kelly, but not intelligent.

Meanwhile, on “The Olga”…

The Olga. Oh my God, probably like a 10 million dollar yacht. It was drop dead gorgeous, and very nice of Ramona to invite everyone. But from the moment they sit down, this Mr. Ed is churning the waters. She can’t sit for lunch and relax!  Bethenny’s pregnant, she just lost her father, where do you even come to talk about her father?  Big mouth. And she’s tall, so when she stands, she talks down to everybody. Some kind of psychological problem.

Michelle: But Mom, that’s not fair.  We’re also tall…

Mom: It’s not the height!  It’s just that when she gets into a situation, a tiff, she immediately jumps up and looks down at them to show that she’s superior.  She probably has such low self esteem, she does it to have the upper hand.  But what upper hand?!  What do you have to gain? To show the world that you’re a f*cked up assh*le? I hate them. I hate most of them.

It would have been nice with Ramona, Bethenny and Alex. It’s nice, you like the same thing, that’s why you choose your friends. You don’t go with someone who likes the opposite of what you like. And this one [Kelly] is an unstable human being.  She managed, from one side of the table, to rile the girl up from the other side. Amazing that nobody pushed her overboard.

Kelly: Like a Bee Up The Ass

I’m telling you, it’s constant with her!  It’s like having a bee up your ass that constantly bites you?! What is that?  The woman needs to see a psychiatrist. I don’t know if there’s a psychiatrist smart enough to cure her. Seriously.

Let’s Not Forget Sonja…

Sonja is a whore in a 10 million dollar townhouse. She looked pretty on Andy Cohen. She must have had some work done. And it doesn’t look like big love between Sonja and Luann. I didn’t see it on Andy Cohen’s show.

Conclusions, Including Our Weekly “Who Is A Lady” Checklist

The best thing that happened yesterday on the show? Can you guess? I didn’t have to look at Jill.  Even with Kelly, the best thing was not seeing her. Just to show that this show can survive without her.

Alex is a sensational person that all of these Housewives can learn from.  To be gracious and act like a lady.  And have fun! You can still have fun and act like a lady. I think Bethenny is acting like a lady, you agree?  And with Ramona, with a coupe of pinot grigio’s, she doesn’t annoy me. Yeah, she has crazy eyes, but she’s a sweet girl, really, a lot of fun, I really like her.

But Mom, What About the Guy Who Owned Hooters?

She was too drunk to see his pock marks!  Sometimes even all that money cannot do it, if you know what I’m saying.

**THE END**

I think we all know what my Mom is saying. Or wait, do we? Let us know what you thought of last night’s Real Housewives insanity in the comments.