Sad News, America: Johnny Depp Is Now Old And Ugly

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Since our childhood in the 80s, Johnny Depp has always been there for us when we needed a crush. Christian Slater creeped out and embraced his receding hair line, River Phoenix died, Keanu Reeves sold his brain for a movie career, but Johnny has always been there for us – sexy, stable, but with enough bad boy in him to keep us interested. But recently we’ve noticed that the actor’s looks – yes men can (and should) be superficially judged on their looks alone – have taken a nosedive into rock bottom territory.

Beginning sometime in 2009, Johnny grew a gut which leaked into his face, turning those iconic cheekboners (copyrighted term) into chipmunk territory. Not to mention, the hair grease finally won out and his locks now just look straight up straggly. Also, did Nicole Kidman take him to her botox doctor? That forehead is peculiarly smooth, and we like our Depp with some dips in his skin.

Look, we know the guy is 47, but he was still doin’ it for us in 2008. We could forgive the ridiculous grunge garb if he would just keep things up in the looks department. Doesn’t he know it’s his job to keep all the women who once taped 21 Jump Street on their VCRs interested?

We spent hours (our job is awesome) checking out pictures of Johnny through the years and have assembled our proof below. The guy started out as the Robert Pattinson of the 80s, and he was good to go in the looks department until sometime last year. On the set of The Tourist, which he is currently shooting with Angelina Jolie, he looks bizarrely bloated. Do you agree that Johnny’s looks have gone downhill or would you still take a little loving from ol’ Scissorhands? Tell us!