My Mother Recaps The Real Housewives: “Teresa is the Lowest. Her and Her Gavone Husband.”


Not all that much happened on last night’s episodes of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Teresa Guidice took her girls Melania and Gia shopping. Their father drives them to Gia’s big fashion show, where he proceeds to call her ugly and she cries. Meanwhile, Danielle Staub is asking her 9 year old for relationship advice. Danielle’s oldest daughter Christine walks in a Rebecca Minkoff fashion show, where she eats 2 pieces of melon and faints. Dina Manzo gets saged, Caroline Manzo does basically nothing, and does Jacqueline Laurita. In other words, notttt thattt much happened.

Still, my Mother, Judy Collins, had plenty to say about the episode called Catty-Walk. And here we go:

“My Little Hero: Gia”

Lemme tell you else I feel bad for: My little hero Gia. What the f*ck is wrong with her father? Ugly?! Did that gavone ever look in the mirror?? Such a lowlife. Such a lowlife. To Gia, particularly that she’s a performer — “You’re ugly and you’re this” — what was that? And she said to her Teresa that he always does that.

How do these people even make money?

Michelle: It looks like through mafia ties,

Mom: What happened to the Jewish mafia? Is what I want to know. And how can I join? Really! (laughing) It just seems like a very good business to me in these tough economic times. Seriously. It’s just, it looks better and better to me every day. That’s why I’m going to Italy. I’ll take some mafia lessons. That this ape would put his cute little girl in that kinda mood before she’s supposed to perform in one of the biggest fashion shows in the country… “You’re ugly!” I couldn’t believe he said it. I got so pissed.

Teresa is the lowest. Her and her gavone husband. He’s like some kind of italian Guido or something. Don’t write that, I don’t want Italians to get mad.

Melania, On the Other Spoiled Child Hand

If she would have come to my store like that I would have given her such a dirty look! Which I do. “Excuse me you, can’t run here! We have no insurance! Sorry, no insurance, can’t run!”

About a year ago, kids would come in wearing sneakers with the rollerblades in them/ Particularly the Europeans. The kids would roll around in the store – “Excuse me! Can’t skate here! No insurance!” and my manager would literally fall on the floor laughing. They’re driving me nuts, some of these kids, misbehaving, screaming… I give them such dirty looks, you have no idea. (Ed. Note: Wrong, I very much have a vivid idea of those.)

OK this one is a 3 year old. But Gia is a sweet girl! Sweet as sugar. Not pretty, but has a personality, so it doesn’t matter.

Christina, Future Supermodel

She’s a sweet young girl, in a shoe that they had to literally take a hammer and shove her foot into. And you wanna know something? Even if you ate, who can stand on those shoes for 20 minutes like a freakin’ moron? What is this standing anyway? What is that? It has to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. They stood there like a bunch of in a shoe that’s two sizes too small

Should I tell you that she’s drop dead gorgeous? And sweet! So is the other one. I don’t understand who raised them. It doesn’t seem like she raised them. she’s such a lowlife. Maybe because of her hard life, God smiled on her with two little girls.

Design on Millions of Dimes

Point to one intelligent girl from these New Jersey people, including Dina. Did you see the living room? It looks like “Jekyll and Hyde.” I would feel very uncomfortable in that living room. Dark paintings, no wall exposed, and filled with… I’m telling you it looks like “Jekyll and Hyde.” I would go nuts in a house like this, there’s nothing airy.

On Zen Jen

Then they had that Zen Jen come in. Took some dry sage and shmeared it around Dina’s beads. Who the hell even knows?

The Bravo Conspiracy Begins

This really was one of the most boring episodes. The people in it are empty shells in gorgeous homes! I keep telling you, and you don’t wanna believe me! (Ed. Note: She’s told me once and I’ve always believed her.) This Dina doesn’t even make sense to me, what is she talking? You don’t wanna be somebody’s friend? Don’t be!! You see anybody with a gun to their heads? I haven’t seen anybody.

It has to be all concocted from the producers. When you tell somebody you’re on the outs, in real life you’re on the outs! It has to be the producers almost, like, staging this whole scenario. That’s the only way. There is no other way. And now I see next week she is driving to Caroline’s? When the husband said “Danielle is coming over?” But it’s not staged well, because they isolated Danielle. In other words, on the New York Housewives, you have tidbits and fights between this one and that one, so even if it is staged, it’s hard to tell. But here, it’s one against the rest of them. It just doesn’t make sense. I can’t stomach one of them. There is not ONE that I like. Just annoying.

Her Final Thoughts

In the middle of the show, I’m thinking: What am I watching here?! But you know, I’m addicted to it. I could have watched Raymond, but no, I have to finish to watch this dumbass show. It wasn’t good last year and it’s not good now.

The women in California, in New York, they travel, they’re a little more sophisticated. There is nobody sophisticated here. They’re all a bunch of lowlives, really, like Snooki or whatever the f*ck they call the girl on that show. Did you see Snooki on SNL? I don’t even know who she is, but I thought I was gonna sh*t laughing the way he was talking. He was very good.


Personally, I found the episode insufferably boring. What did you guys think? Will the Italian Mob issue a hit on my dear mother? Let us hope not. Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

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