Lindsay Lohan‘s latest legal drama has gone so screwy we’re not even sure why she’s leaving Cannes for America in the first place—or if she’s really planning to at all. When we last left off, Lindsay claimed her passport had been stolen, forcing her to miss today’s court date concerning her post-DUI probation (not that this kept her from partying last night). Despite pleas from her attorney at today’s hearing in LA, the judge issued a bench warrant, finding reasonable doubt that Lindsay has completed her alcohol education. This means that when (and if) Lindsay lands in LAX, she will immediately be nabbed by police, at which point LiLo can post $100,000 bail and stay free until trial as long as she promises not to drink, wear a monitor anklet and submit to drug tests. Gee, just chop her arms off, why doncha?
Though mother Dina tells TMZ that Lindsay has found a new passport (French police say she never reported the original missing), Lindsay herself sounds unclear as to when she’ll return, telling Gossip Cop “all flights are booked” and begging for access to a private jet in a mass e-mail discovered by Radar. “ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s clearly an inside person who works with my father that has been set to set me up,” said Lindsay about the missing passport (Michael Lohan has requested the court send his daughter to rehab). With the DA chasing jail time and proof she had a plane ticket in the first place, Lindsay needs a better story than that when she finally faces the music.