My Mother Recaps The Real Housewives: Let Us Open Our Satchels of Gold


It’s not that all that much happened on last night’s The Real Housewives of New York. In fact, the ladies didn’t really do anything. And even with Jill Zarin and Luann de Lesseps back in New York while the remaining ladies vacationed on the Virgin Islands, something was in the air last night that proceeded to give America the Superbowl of all Real Housewife episodes.

Ramona Singer’s whirlwind vacation kept delivering, as their yacht pulled up on a staggering mansion that was truly something out of an 80s wealthy divorce comedy. Alex McCord and Sonja Morgan remained their funny selves, while Bethenny Frankel was busy filming her hospitality college video application. There were Skinny Girl totes and beautifully prepared steak dinners.

But all the while, lurking in the shadows, was Kelly Bensimmon. She’s been feverpuking for weeks following nightmares of Bethenny murdering her with a butter knife. (More satisfying cause it’s slower.) At the dinner, Kelly — not a genius, by any means — proceeded to flip her skull open, remove her brain, and flambe it for all of America to witness. It was a nervous breakdown squared shouldered. It was one of the best things I’ve ever seen on TV.

Your tireless recapper and also my mother Judy Collins was basically foaming at the mouth last night with anger, though she swears she still hates Jill more. We bring you her recap, slightly uninterrupted:

Kelly Bensimmon, Post-Tote-Bags, Pre-Dinner-Party-Breakdown

I have to tell you.  There is no… (loud sigh) oh boy — OK, first of all, that place they’re at is literally drop dead gorgeous. Something really special.  But that Kelly. Just like Alex said before, she cannot be in a room of people.  She hates this one, she hates that one… She’s the one with the venom against Bethenny.  And it’s relentless! She’s like sick or something.

Cook vs. Chef: The Final Cookdown

First of all, who gives a sh*t if she’s a cook or a chef.  “You’re a chef, you’re a cook!”  You’re supposed to be an intelligent girl.  This is what you’re talking about?  And it’s not like one week she slipped. Like one week she’s stupid.  It’s every week!  She says “Look at me! How smart I am!”  You’re a f*ckin idiot!

And then calling Jill, the backless slug (Ed. Note: A thing, apparently), and now Jill is contemplating visiting her? I mean, really, what the hell is this?

Tote or Die: Skinny Girl Knocking

Kelly is jealous. She doesn’t have anything like that.  She is eaten with jealousy!  There is what’s her name, Bethenny: She has a lovely boyfriend, she’s pregnant — OK, Kelly has 2 kids, but it’s from some alta cocker — this is a young, good-looking guy.  She has books, she appears on TV.  On her own, like a brand.  What is Kelly doing?  Have you ever seen her on a show besides this?  No.  Because there is no need for horses on TV besides this show.

Remember Jill? She skates now.

There is Jill on ice skates.  (5 seconds) Oh, she’s good.  (5 more seconds) Look how good she skates! (7 seconds) Look at her!

Sonja: A Compliment! Oh, Wait, No

The photographs that Mr. Ed took of her on the beach?  She looked very pretty there.  (3 seconds later) She’s a D-lister.

The Judy Collins Venom is Spewed

Let me tell you: If I ever will bump into Kelly on the street, she better watch out.  What do you call them? A loogy?  Mel!  What did they call them in Brooklyn?  A looger.  She has to watch… I don’t even know how to say it, but one looger is coming her way.  From me.  That Kelly has to be the worst lowlife.  Right behind her is Jill, but let’s deal with Kelly.

Here’s what I didn’t like:  When Kelly was on the phone, Ramona says “Do me a favor, go over there.”  The minutes she’s out of eyesight, they start. “Oh, she’s crazy!”  That’s not right.  Why did you invite her if she’s crazy?

Michelle: Excuse me, the way Kelly reacted to Ramona asking her to leave the balcony was crazy.

Mom: I agree, but the second someone came over, Ramona’s already gossiping. She’s crazy? No. Uch.  Just clean the atmosphere, you don’t need to rehash it over and over again.  That really makes it into a Kindergarten.

Believe me, and I said it to Daddy to: If you think this Kelly only has this kind of toxic relationship with Bethenny — she only knows her, what, a year? Two years?  She has to have a SLEW of enemies.  You don’t have this kind of rotten relationship, this kind of despicable personality, with only one person.  She had to be a bitch at work, and at the school where she picks up her children.  She has to be a snobby bitch maniac.  There is no way that this is a nice girl. I’m flabbergasted.  I hate her like sh*t itself.  She’s just an ugly… That looger.  She better watch out.

Michelle: Mom, I think it’s actually loogy.

Mom: Mel, it’s loogy! It’s Peter Luger, the restuarant in Brooklyn. This is loogy.

Mother Might Have Taken It Too Far Here

I only hope that there is a big cliff where Kelly can commit suicide. I’m serious.  She has to go.  This sick f*ck.  No.  There is no…. no.  This is unacceptable.  She doesn’t allow anybody to have an intelligent conversation or any form of conversation except one that involves her.  Ugly, annoying, sick sick sick human being.  Everybody is sitting there, and she’s standing, looking down at them!  I don’t know where I read that once, I learned about it… it’s a form of dominance.

I feel very sad for her children.  Compared to everybody — and I mean everybody in New Jersey is a genius compared to her.  It’s going to be hard for me to knock the Jersey women down because NOBODY there behaves like this.  NOBODY.  This is just one sick f*ck.  Really.  Seriously, Michelle.

Luann finally behaved like the lady that she writes about in the book.  She says, “this is not the crowd for me, I’ll bow out.  I’m not friendly with this one or the other one and I’ll stay home.”  You don’t have to insert yourself when you know things aren’t gonna be right.  But this one, this Kelly… she’s f*cked up.

On the other hand, this hour went by really fast.  I’m sorry its over.  That beautiful place… and I’ll tell you, Bethenny cooked a beautiful meal.  And instead of saying, of being a lady, and saying “Thank you very much,” she goes “Oh, you cooked it by yourself?”

Believe me, they did not pay for that ticket or this vacation. And if you think this house was paid for out of Ramona’s pocket, you are mistaken. At least part of it, the show paid for. I’m telling you, the boat, the house, cost a f*ckin fortune!

Did you see what’s coming next week? Jill goes there! “Hiiiyeeee!” “It sounds like a horn…!” I hate Jill. She came with her husband Bobby, and there are no husbands there. Remember when Vicki [from Real Housewives of O.C.] had a no husbands vacation to Miami and they all showed up with their husbands? She got so pissed. (laughter)

Bonus Sarah Jessica Parker on Watch What Happens Live Comment

This girl just looks better every time.

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