An Open Letter To Peter Facinelli

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Dear Peter Facinelli,

First, let me congratulate you on your mid-career successes. Who knew that the bully from Can’t Hardly Wait could rise to such heights. I just read a profile of you in USA Today for goodness sakes! You know how many people read that paper? Everyone in hotels and airports and airport hotels. Which is why I have to conduct this tiny intervention, Peter Facinelli. As a lot of people will be reading this interview, I am compelled to gently break some cold, hard facts to you. Namely, regarding this quote:

Not so easily impressed, however, is daughter Luca, 12. “She just rolls her eyes and thinks, ‘Oh, my God, my dad’s a vampire. How embarrassing,’ ” says Facinelli, also father to Lola, 7, and Fiona, 3. “I’m sure even Obama’s daughters say, ‘Oh, my God, my dad’s the president. How embarrassing.’ “

Peter. I understand the point you’re trying to make, I think. You’re saying that even though millions of people think that your job is super cool and love you, your daughters will always think that you’re a dork. Standard Dad fare. HOWEVER, a supporting part in the Twilight franchise wherein you have a comically pale face and a weird accent, which I assume was a choice to sound more old-timey, does not a comparison to the President of the United States warrant, Peter Facinelli, LET ALONE AN OBAMA. The reasons are threefold:

1) People think your character, not you, is cool (which is even arugable-people think the movies you are in are cool because, again, your character has a weird accent). Sure, you could argue that Obama represents something, but he’s still A REAL PERSON.

2) Yes, you are implying that Obama is cooler than you are by the use of the word “even.” But you are also implying that you are in the same league by including yourself in the same sentence as him. It’s sly. It’s trying to be self-effacing, but you’re coming off as someone who thinks that their job is in the same category as POTUS. It’s not. Maybe POPCWWA (President Of Pale Characters With Weird Accents).

3) No, Sasha and Malia do not think that their Dad is embarrassing. They clearly think he’s like the awesomest dad ever. I bet they even gave him a mug that said that.

In conclusion, Peter Facinelli, I bear you no ill will. I just need you to consider getting new pants because those britches are looking a little tight on you.

(Call me)

Sincerely,

Sarah Walker