MY MOTHER RECAPS THE REAL HOUSEWIVES REUNION: Beast Week Ever

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Of all of life’s greatest regrets, perhaps none stings as much as the fact that this will be the last week of this stellar season of The Real Housewives of New York. Our hearts are heavy like so many satchels of gold.

Thankfully, Bravo and its headmistress Andy Cohen had the good sense to give us three solid hours of wonky-breasted delights in the seasons Real Housewives Reunion. Oh, and it is truly rewarding, in terms of junky reality programming. Jill begs for forgiveness, Alex presents her new personality on a silver f**king platter, and Kelly rolls up on a hoverboard that propels itself on meth fumes. You can believe that I will be savoring every drop of Thursday’s final reunion installment.

By now, you’ve come to know and love my mother Judy Collins’ Real Housewives recaps (not to mention her new Flipcam fame). While her take on last night’s reuny was brief, it still stings. Keep reading for more and some bonus thoughts about The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

And here we go:

“Let me tell you something about Kelly. There is no question that she needs a professional intervention. The girl is mentally ill. And I’m very happy that Luann sat there for almost 2 hours without opening her mouth. I think she’s watching it a little bit.

The thing with Jill, who all of a sudden had such a regret about how she behaved with Bethenny. If you go back to what I told you several months ago, both Kelly and Luann are using Jill. Back then Luann didn’t date anybody, she had no apartment, and was always saying “Poor Jill!” And not one time did Luann say “Jill, what are you doing with all this hate and the venom?” I bet you Luann is so busy that Jill has nobody to talk to. And Kelly — she knows that Kelly is f*cked up. Who can spend an hour with Kelly? I’d go nuts. Bethenny is the only successful one there. Oh, Kelly said she already found something, she has a Kelly drink. Sure, they’re all trying to copy her.

There is Bethenny, so successful. Kelly is a maniac, and I admit, she has a beautiful figure, but a horse face. Please, believe me, ugly is ugly.

I just, I’m glad she walked off couple of times. Both of them deserve to walk off, and you know what? Alex does not deserve the venom they spew to her. She’s the most intelligent and educated, and they’re very disrespectful to her.

And Sonja.

And Sonja. I bet you $100 that she doesn’t get laid. Who the hell is going to shtup this ugly woman? When you talk to much about sex, lots of talk and no action. Oh my god, seriously who? Did you ever see anybody near this woman? Who is she shtupping? Her super? No, really. I never ever see her in all these months with anybody. She does look like a freaking which, who is doing her? Like my mother used to tell me, you didn’t discover sex. You already heard that expression before. And she’s talking, like, look what’s going on here and she’s ugly. (Ed. Note: Not sure what this means but I enjoyed its haiku-iness.)

I said to Daddy, “When she finishes a sentence from beginning to end, let me know so I can memorize it.” There is not a full thought there. You know what I mean? Everything she says — “zip it” — just ugly. Just a dumb broad.

BONUS NJ THOUGHTS:

I have to tell you, I have never met such a bunch of seriously, just garbage. Well Danielle is a lowlife, that goes without saying. Like a low class, like a trailer trash. But the other women are just as bad. Caroline, don’t you think, here is the matriarch of this big family. Like one time, say something clever. Never. And I find her children dumb as well. Uneducated boors. They’re lucky that they have money.

Tell me… I heard that Theresa is running out of money.

Michelle: Yeah, supposedly she’s bankrupt.

Mom: Really? Let me laugh.

The End.

Aaaaaand we’re going to get killed by the mafia. Maybe literally the end.

Leave your thoughts on both of these amazing shows and the above comments below! And click here to hear some of Kelly’s beast moments from last night.

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