Here are 10 videos of celebrities who clearly hate America, judging solely on the way they performed our country’s beautiful national anthem, “The Star Spangled Banner.”
10. Cuba Gooding Sr. clearly hates us. Not only did he give the world Cuba Gooding Jr., and, as a result, Boat Trip, but he also dropped trou all over our most patriotic tune. I’m only half-kidding, as there is some scatting involved…
9. Michael Bolton. You might think that it’s just his singing that earned him a top spot on this list. And you’d be 100 percent right. Along with the stadium echo, there’s just way more Bolton than this ol’ lady can handle. But what happens at around the :45 mark (already cued) is so inexcusable, so obvious, so actually hilariously bad, well you just can’t help but find yet more hate in your heart for this man.
8. R. Kelly. You know it’s bad when you’re being upstaged by a 1988 Casio Minikeyboard. No amount of “Clay your hands y’all”-ing will save him.
7. Anita Baker A horrible rendition, yes, but a fantastic example of how the doppler effect works. Clock this in at the first Anita Baker song I don’t want to make “Sweet Love” to.
6. Hayden Panettiere. Hayden is totally the spoiled girl in your middle school who sang at all the recitals but secretly sucked balls. (Sometimes literally, depending on the region of the country you were raised.) She’s the girl in college who can’t understand why she can’t get into any of the acapella groups. Stick to your day job… of saving dolphins? What does she do?
5. David Hasselhoff. The second most patriotic thing he’s ever done after eating a hamburger on the floor naked. And yet more proof that he is probably a spy for Germany.
4. Hilary Clinton. Well, to be fair, she didn’t know her mic was on… still, this clearly lost her the election.
3. Leslie Nielsen. From a movie, you say? Naked what? Gun who? No, this is clearly just Leslie Nielsen.
2. Roseanne. The most famous version to piss all over our beautiful country.
1. Carl Lewis. It’s a good thing Carl Lewis can run, because he surely 1000 metered his way to his car in the parking lot to avoid MURDEROUS FANS. The worst, and by default, most hilarious of all the videos posted here.
BONUS: Here’s someone else who hates America AND baseball… Denise Richards! Can you imagine, Charlie Sheen had sex with this?*