What Can You Expect at Tonight’s NewNowNext Awards? How About Everything!

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Tonight. Beginning with a Pre-Show at 9:30 PM ET on Logo. The NewNowNext Awards.

And yes. We’ll be liveblogging it.

Now I don’t want to spoil the magic of television for you (too late), but the show was actually previously recorded. And I was there! Because I was a Nominee!! Yes, the Logo NewNowNext Awards would be my first time attending an awards show as something other than a rabid animal flinging myself over a railing to get celebrity attention. (See here.) I got a hot updo that looked something akin to a post-coital Princess Leia, and paired it with a gown from the Stevie Nicks’ Maternity Collection. Indeed, I would not be caught off guard at the NewNowNext Awards.

Sorry, I meant: I would be caught off-guard hundreds of thousands of times. The show was UPROARIOUS. And here is my story.

Things got off to a super gay start very early. Look at the garage they had us park in!

Love it! Now, this being my first awards show as “talent” (quotes mine), this would also be my first time walking the red carpet. Anyone who knows me (and chances are none of you do), believe it or not things such as “walking the red carpet” actually terrify me, because, let’s face it, nobody really knows who I am.

But there I was, at the head of the red carpet, about to set my first toe in front of the throngs of photographers who have no interest in wasting a pic off their 590 Terabyte camera card on me, until I was stopped to allow a clearly more famous, better dressed celebrity to parade in front of me.

That person’s name…

…is Carmen Electra.

A few minutes passed, until I worked up the courage to make my entrance yet again. Only this time, I was kindly moved out of the way to let another luminary pass.

Mena Suvari.

This ended up becoming the routine. Me and my escort (unpaid) for the evening, Will Merrick, hiding behind the step-and-repeat, waiting for there to be a break in the celebrity parade in order to me to perform a live red carpet shuttle run for the amusement of many. 20 minutes and plenty of famous faces later, I politely, shyly asked if it would be a good time for me to make my 45th entrance. They agreed.

If you’ve never stood in front of about 40 people with giant cameras calling your name (when, secretly, you know they could give a sh*t), the experience is something similar to having a pap smear done on the boxball court in your middle school. “Turn this way! Michelle! This way!!” It was. TERRIFYING. But here, ladies and gentleman, is my official first red carpet photo. Not the worst, but certainly not Facebook profile worthy.

Then the interviews began. That was obviously a highlight. Mainly because I was in line behind a person who could only, at this point, be classified as legend…

Snooki.

Alas, the show was about to begin. And friends, let’s just say it was a parade of some of our favorite celebrities. Janice Dickinson. Johnny Weir. Paula Abdul! Jesus Luz. RuPaul. Thousands of his draggy minions. And hosts Niecy Nash and Cheyenne Jackson. It was MEGA-INSANITY.

So much more ahead.

A producer showed Will and I to our seats, and GASP! We were seated in front of Kelly Osbourne and Brad Goreski from The Rachel Zoe Show. Just how good were out seats? These good:

Now, sitting in front of these two was a real gift. Because, believe me when I say, they are hysterically hilariously funny. And we sort of had our own little nook, which meant we could joke between presenters and talk as loud as we wanted without bothering anybody.

Our nook was so inviting, in fact, that within minutes of the show starting look who perched his gorgeous self directly behind me:

Rupaul, he with a laugh that could easily power all the life-support machines at every children’s hospital everywhere. Rupaul’s laugh is seriously something I need surrounding my ears at all times. The little hairs in my ears would clink champagne flutes every time those Rupaul vibrations came their way. A gift.

The show began. Niecy Nash and Cheyenne Jackson were charming and ebullient hosts, and what a voice on that Cheyenne, hmm? Oh, you’ll be hearing it later tonight, believe me. You’ll also be seeing visions such as this:

Our front row seats also put us directly in front of my co-nominee Amy Phillips, who spent the night doing uncannily amazing celebrity impressions. Watch tonight for her seriously crazy-good Joan Rivers, Sue Sylvester, and the best (albeit first) Sarah Silverman impression I’ve ever witnessed:

I mean, the girl can do a Jennifer Aniston and Rachel Zoe impression. SNL, WTF? Hire her.

Now, we don’t want to give too much away about the show, including what happens during my own award nomination for Brink of Fame Comic. But all I will say is watch tonight, and expect a lengthy follow-up post tomorrow. That is all. I am. Allowed. To Say.

The show wasn’t just all titz and glamour, however… there were some live musical performances too! Including one of our favorite bands, Little Boots. But there just happened to be something standing in the way of me enjoying the Little Boots performance… here’s a hint:

That’s right, readers. Janice Dickinson.

Janice was dancing off the remaining .0000001% body fat she has left on her body right in front of our eyes. And bless her, absolutely bless her, but it is nearly impossible to pay attention to any sort of “song” when this is happening in front of you:

OK, so the show was truly hilarious and entertaining and yes, if you haven’t figured it out by now, you need to watch it tonight. If not for the drag queens that pepper the production, then surely for the final performance by Agnes, Swedish singer of “Release Me.” A performance which borrows HEAVILY from one of our favorite cinematic sequences ever: Beyonce‘s “One Night Only” in Dreamgirls. With the lightsabres and the dancing!!

We could seriously not be any closer to the action:

Wait, JK, we got closer:

And so, the show was over. Double JK action, there was an afterparty! WITH LOTS OF ALCOHOLLLL!

And some rere photo-taking which I will share with you now:

Wait, that’s not right…

Muuuch better. Higher Angles = Negative 0 Chins.

But you know, folks, there really is only one way to end the night, after hours of laughter and drinks and updos and gowns. Click on this link and check out the following photo:

We’ll be liveblogging along with Pandora Boxx, Jarett Wieselman from the NY Post’s PopWrap blog, Arjan from ArjanWrites.com music blog, and Logo NewNowNext writers and fellow attendees Jon Mallow and John Polly tonight, live, at 9:30 PM. Turn your channel to Logo and come back to BWE.tv for the party!

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