True Blood Recap: I Was A Teenage Nazi Vampire

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If you, the loyal Best Week Ever reader, is anything like me, the Best Week Ever contributor, you’ve come to recognize that there is a dark side to the otherwise joyous time of the year known as summer. Yeah yeah yeah, there’s little sense denying the awesomeness of beaches, picnics and BBQs, but those of us who suffer from a paralyzing addiction to pop culture recognize that this otherwise joyous season is notable for its stunning lack of quality television. The major broadcast networks have long since given up on trying to launch anything compelling during the summertime months, instead choosing to flood the airwaves with tired repeats and substandard dreck like America’s Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance and Wipeout. However, over the last few years, the creative sloth of the major broadcast networks has opened up some room for cable networks to counterprogram against the crap, a trend which gave birth to a few notable hits like Mad Men, Burn Notice and The Closer. And, as hinted at in the subject line above, True Blood!

With that in mind, we figured that more than a few of you have been staying up late the last two Sunday nights to catch the third season of True Blood. Hence, the following recap! Hope you enjoy…


When we left off last week, Bill Compton had just escaped the clutches of a bunch of V-crazed bikers, only to find himself surrounded by a pack of hungry-looking werewolves (hate it when that happens!). In stark contrast to the baby-faced cuteness of teen wolves like Twilight‘s Taylor Lautner, these lycanthropes all look as if they’re too old to even remember their own werewolf bar mitzvahs. Despite their advanced age, the wolves (sadly) don’t prove to be much of a match for Bill, despite Cooter’s promise to Bill that “You’re about to get deader, you dead ass motherf*#$%!” We just hope that he enlists the help of Cooter from the Dukes of Hazzard the next time he gets frisky.

Just as things are about to get heated between Bill and Cooter, the Vampire King of LouisianaMississippi, Russell Edgington, shows up on horseback (of course he does!), wearing what looks to be a Revolutionary War-era redcoat and Jerry Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. Bill proceeds to throw a minor hissyfit that he has been dragged across state lines, which hardly seems like the sort of thing a 300 175 year-old vampire would gets his knickers in a twist over. Bill is also upset that the VKoM sent a band of werewolves to kidnap him, rather than just sending him a written invitation via USPS, which is exactly what a more polite member of vampire society would do. The VKoM promises to make it up to Bill by extending him an offer that he literally can’t refuse: A chance to stay with him at Vampfork Ranch*, a plantation where the VKoM lives with his life partner and serves tangerine-infused blood in classy flutes. Refreshing! That said, while the amenities at Vampfork are top notch — did we mention the blood gelato? — there is a catch: Bill can’t leave on his own free will. That, and his bitchy ex/maker is staying there!

Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps, there’s more than enough dramz to keep everyone in town occupied: Sookie, of course, is trying to find out who abducted her main squeeze, so she heads over to Fangtasia in the hopes that Eric will answer some questions. At first, he is reluctant to tell Sookie about his past dealings with werewolves, but we as viewers are treated to a WWII flashback in which Eric and Godric (R.I.P., yo) reveal themselves as, you guessed it, Nazi werewolf hunters! Much like in Underworld, the True Blood universe informs us that there is a centuries-old rivalry between vampires and werewolves, only with a slight wrinkle: Apparently some werewolves work with the vampires and some don’t, and the only way to tell who the “good guys” are is to check their necks to see if they’ve been branded with a Nazi symbol. Good guys, of course, being a relative term, because, well, vampires! Duh.

And, let’s see what else is going on with the largest cast of recurring characters on television these days:

  • Tara pulls her very own “Everybody Hurts” moment and tries to wash away the bad memories of Eggs’ death by swallowing a fistful of sleeping pills, but Lafayette saves the day by forcing her to vomit them up. He then makes the curious decision to introduce Tara to his crazypants mother, played with extreme creepiness by Alfre Woodward, who is locked up in a mental institution. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t commit suicide, Tara? One day you can live to be just like momma!”

  • Jessica is still fretting about that trucker that she killed after her relationship Hoyt came crashing down. You see, the trucker is starting to rot and stink up Bill’s house, so she does what any vampire would do: She buys some Lysol and gets some makeup tips from Eric’s #2, Pam!

  • Jason Stackhouse and Detective Andy continue to conspire to keep the mystery of Eggs’ murder a secret. However, some jealousy between the two unlikely allies begins to develop when Deputy Detective Andy becomes a local media icon for his role in saving Bon Temps from the destructive forces of Maryann the maenad. Sadly, Jason doesn’t get to bone a single girl during this episode. Less Andy, more babes, we say!

  • Two of Merlotte’s finest, the redhead waitress we don’t care about and the short order cook we don’t care about, are having a baby or something. We’re not too sure, we tend to fast forward through these tedious parts. Don’t you wish that Alan Ball would find a way to off these two?
  • Oh yeah, we almost forgot! There’s a new vamp in town. Some scrawny British guy who likes cowboy boots and rummaging through Bill’s boudoir and absolutely HATES racist rednecks. We don’t know much about this guy yet, but from the look of the previews, he’s about to knock boots with Tara.

Lest we forget, there’s the whole subplot where Sam Merlotte searches for his birth parents. Can we all agree to ignore that section of the show until something interesting actually happens? Thank you.

Oh, one more thing! Remember how we said that Eric was hesitant to discuss his Nazi werewolf-hunting past with Sookie? Well, as things are wont to happen on the show, he changed his mind within a matter of minutes. (Aside: Isn’t Alan Ball’s propensity to misdiagnose opportunities for dramatic tension annoying? He stretched out the whole Maryann subplot for WAAAAY too long, yet Bill escaped his kidnappers last week in a matter of seconds. Shouldn’t someone at HBO be helping him with this clear issue?) He sat Sookie down on the porch of her house and began to tell her about the “organized, well funded, and highly trained” army of terrorists werebitches, mere moments before forcibly demanding Sookie invite him into her home. And just when you think that the two might go upstairs and start fangbanging, the episode ends with Eric baring his fangs and staring down a werewolf that’s just come out of the kitchen, a werewolf that looks suspiciously like Cooter. You know, the exact same way LAST week’s episode ended.

Until next week!

*Not really its name.

ADDENDUM/POST-SCRIPT: By popular request, True Blood’s most meta moment to date. Sookie saying “SOOKIE”, Bill Compton style!