Meet Benny Feilhaber, Our New Favorite U.S. Soccer Player

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Michelle Feilhaber. Mrs. Benny Feilhaber. Michelle Collins-Feilhaber.

I’ve spent the last 15 minutes or so doodling these options across the 7th grade composition notebook in my brain that I’ve easily converted into an unofficial wedding planner. Creepy? Of course. Unusual for me? Not really. Read on to understand.

Benny Feilhaber is a midfielder for the United States World Cup Soccer Team. He was brought to my attention by BWE reader JeniSue, who you can follow on Twitter here. But before we get into the details of Benny’s life, we feel like we need to give you a hook. A hook so you can understand the magnitude of this man’s solar hotness. And so, before reading on, please watch this video of a shirtless Benny lip-sync-miming “No Air.” Make sure to watch the very end for his bonus adorable accent:

Now why he would put this video online remains to be answered, but why get bogged down in trivial details? This is a hot, hot man, an athlete, a Jewish athlete (Mom, are you reading?), who grew up in Brazil, a man with a sweet, unidentifiable accent, who, have we mentioned? Looks like this:

We’ve gathered his Favorite Things via Facebook, which we bring to you ahead, along with a bonus video for any gay males reading. Will his favorite book be a dealbreaker? Click to find out! (Hint: Obviously no.)

Here are Benny’s Like and Interests, as stalked on his Facebook page:

Let’s start with Activities… Denmark! Sure, we love Denmarking after brunch on Sundays. Interests: Soccer Movie Friends Music. Yes. All four of these things. I love and I could hang with. What about Favorite Books? The Da Vinci Code!!… Oh. I see. Okayyy, well, we can buy him new books! And I’ve often said Yellowcard is underrated.* (*I’ve never said this.)

In other words, he’s perfect.

Wait, forget about his Facebook likes for a second:

Seriously, if Gatorade or Nike doesn’t sign this guy up immediately, please tell me Dolce &/or Gabbana are on it. This man could bring peace to the Middle East!! Assuming we’re talking about the Middle East of my body. Which is, well, we’ll keep it ladylike. (My V.)(Canal.)

Gay Male Bonus!! Here is a video of Benny talking about the brilliant meat he’ll be eating soon. Cruising inside and getting some meat. So, click herererereuhhh.

Here’s one last bonus Benny video because, well, I mean, we can’t get enough:

Expecting call from his attorneys in 3… 2… 1…

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