You Know What Predators Really Could Have Used? More Predators!

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I woke up on Saturday morning with a raging hangover and twelve American dollars burning a hole in my pocket. I took care of my hangover the way I always do –hair of the dog! — but struggled for a few minutes figuring out what I could do with those twelve American dollars. After a few minutes of researching what I could procure for my moneys, you know what I spent it on? One adult ticket to go see Predators! Seeing as how I’m a sucker for both creature movies and nostalgia, I figured it would be a good way to kill a few hours (and save some money on my electrical bill for the air-conditioning I would’ve used). So I made my way over to the local multiplex, plunked down my cash and spent the next 90 minutes with my good buddies Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Laurence Fishburne, and, of course, the Predators.

However, when I left the multiplex a few hours later, I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t quite get my money’s worth. Not just because I spent an additional five American dollars and fifty American cents on a 72 oz fountain drink, mind you, but because I felt like the film’s marketing campaign led me, the consumer, more than a little astray. If you’re interested in my tale, I encourage you to follow along. However, please note, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.

You made it? Good! Back to business.

Don’t you just HATE it when movie studios include scenes in the trailers for movies that never actually happen in the finished product? I certainly do! For example, one of the key pieces of this film’s marketing campaign was my main man Adrien Brody staring into the face of certain death when not one, not two, but FIFTEEN Predators lined him up in the sights of their super fancy plasma-ray blasters (or whatever they’re called). This certainly indicated to me, the consumer, that there were gonna be a shit-ton of Predators in this movie! However, I regret to inform you that this scene DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAPPEN THIS WAY in the movie itself. In the finished product, there is but one Predator lining up the 2003 Academy Award winner in his (her?) sights. I am sad to report to you that there were WAY more Aliens in Aliens than there were Predators in Predators.

Just how many Predators were in the movie, exactly? Four! That’s right, FOUR. Four stinking Predators. I recognize that 20th Century Fox wasn’t breaking Webster’s definition by titling this movie Predators, but I certainly left the theater feeling as if Robert Rodriguez hoodwinked (or maybe even hornswaggled!) me. Perhaps if they would’ve titled the movie A Small Handful of Predators, A Few Good Predators or Just Four Predators, Really, I wouldn’t have felt so disappointed while walking out of the theater. Rodriguez admitted to MTV that he only put that exaggerated shot in the trailer to “crystallize the idea” that humans were being stalked by Predators, but if you ask me, it was little more than a downright lie. Hiss, boo, hiss!

And hey, while I’ve got ya, you wanna know what else was weird about the movie? At one point in the movie, one of the humans being hunted by the Predators actually calls the Predator that he’s shivving in the neck a “faggot.” Did we really need to go there, Mr. Screenwriter? Yikes.

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