An Open Letter To Taylor Momsen


Dear Taylor Momsen,

It’s Sarah Walker. You don’t know me, so let me just tell you something about myself. Let’s see, off the top of my head, I dislike pants. So much. I would rather not wear pants than really just about anything. They are constrictive. Give me a short or a tight any day. Hell, even thigh highs. What’s that you say? You too? Cool! What else…my hair’s not as long as yours, but it’s getting there. And whenever I go to the hairdresser’s they’re all like, “You should trim your hair more otherwise it’ll get unhealthy and Dear God look at all of your split ends” and I’m all like “BACK OFF! You’re not my MOM! OR my dentist who tries to similarly shame me, flossing-wise.” Don’t you HATE IT when grownups just are all up in your BUSINESS??? Me too. I’m totes not a grown up btdubs. I mean, I pay taxes, but I only have a part time job so I can spend the rest of my time just being young and ROCKING OUT. I also don’t work from an office most of the time. Because offices are for SQUARES. And my cubicle is a box and I hate when people put me in boxes. They are so constrictive. Like pants. My point is, we are not so different, you and I, so I’m going to dare to give you some life advice: I think you can do better. I understand you’re just trying to be you. But I think maybe, just maybe you’re trying too hard to be, you know, super badass and punk. Like getting into a Twitter fight with Perez Hilton about having a vibrator. (Hand to forehead, swoon from shock). Like this last music video you did for the song Miss Nothing for your band Pretty Reckless (great band name):

Not gonna lie. You are very talented. The song is super rad. Or should I say SUPPER rad. Because it’s the Last Supper. I guess. Religion! Shocking!

So let’s just lay out the situation here:

1) You’re 16 and you wear provocative outfits. I’m sorry, I was talking through a yawn. I hate when people do that, it’s so rude. Weird, look what I just found when I was going through my folder labeled “1999”:

2) You’ve stated that you like Kurt Cobain rather than Courtney Love. Fair, but I’m just saying, any distance you put between yourself and Courtney love only makes you appear more sane. And by the way, Courtney Love is not to be sneezed at. Literally or figuratively. She could kill you in a sex party over Twitter. That’s how powerfully and awesomely cray cray she is. There’s no reason you should NOT want to be like her if you’re going for the amazing rock star personality. And you cannot deny that you’re biting her style. And if you don’t know that, you should do some more research.

3) You’re on Gossip Girl. So. There’s that.

So, Taylor, you are very talented. You are not, as you have pointed out, Miley Cyrus. This is to be applauded. But, I guess what I’m trying to say is stop trying so hard. Be yourself and let the crazy shine through naturally. We, as a pop culture consuming world, can literally not be shocked anymore. Stay away from drugs and boys, maybe loosen up on the eye liner and I put you on top of my list of 16 year olds who will have a music career I’m interested in.

Yours in non-pants,


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