This is a recap for the Season 4 premiere of Mad Men starring Jon Hamm, Christina Hendricks, John Slattery, January Jones, and a bunch of other people whom you can learn about here. If you have not seen the episode then, yeah, this will probably spoil something for you, idiot. Enjoy!
BEST CAMEO
Bart Simpson. Trapped in Bert Cooper’s Blazer.
BEST FIGHT OVER CANNED MEAT
The Ladies Fighting Over Ham. You have to admit, Peggy’s idea to make people buy more canned ham might have been the first time anyone’s ever thought of viral marketing in the history of fake television shows about advertising. Indeed, the idea worked beautifully: Two ladies fought over ham, and the story wormed its way into the papers.
But what made this scenario extra-special for us were the actresses hired. Because while most female Mad Men fans picture themselves as a “Joan”, I have enough self-awareness to know that if I were to ever audition for a part on the show I would clearly get cast as “Ham Fighting Lady #2.”
BEST REASON FOR A GIF
Don Draper wanting to get slapped. While I took issue with his paid ladyfriend’s brassiere and laissez-faire attitude in bed (1. You’re getting paid; 2. You’re getting laid; 3. It’s Don Draper, look alive), his need to get slapped… harder… once again reignited our passions for wanting to climb into our TV screens Mom and Dad Save the World-style and f the s out of this man. Not to mention record the entire event via animated GIFs which would then replay for infinity.
BEST QUOTE
“You hit it off, come Turkey Day, maybe you can stuff her.” — the always imagery-ready Roger Sterling
WORST BETTY IMPRESSION
This bitch. Jane’s friend… Bethenny. Mount Holyoke, Gymnastics, Borrowed Dress blah. blah. blah. Maybe it was just me, but I found her completely intolerable. Maybe even worse than the famously annoying teacher from last season. (OK, not worse.) And if her WASPyness wasn’t stifling enough, she then had the nerve to turn down Don’s advances in the cab. (Yet more proof that I wasn’t raised properly.) Why can’t Don just find a normal woman to desecrate?
MY HAMMY VICE-IEST
Don drinking.
WORLD’S GREATEST MOM
Henry’s Mom. For realizing Betty is a cruel, heartless mother, and trying to drive some sense into her 75-year-old son.
WAIT, SORRY, MY HAMMY VICE-IEST
We meant to say Don smoking. Look at them embers glow.
MOST CONFUSING INSIDE JOKE
If you didn’t quite understand the whole “John/Marsha” exchange between Peggy and the new guy Joey (we’ll get to him in a second), above is the video that the exchange was based on, a comedic exchange performed by Stan Freberg. The Youtube uploader claims it may have influenced John Lennon & Yoko Ono’s “John and Yoko.” We say it definitely in influenced Jan on The Brady Bunch. Also things must have been hilarious in the 1950s.
UPDATE: Commenter Alea points out that the exchange was based on this commercial… and we have to agree with her, this would probably make more sense! Thanks for bringing it to our attention:
BEST KISS
OK, we may hate this girl, but having forced ourselves to watch Don kiss her in the back of the cab in slow motion, we had no choice but to grab our nearest Louis Farrakhan forehead-kerchief and take a quick breather at work. Really, it’s well worth the $1.99 on Itunes just to be able to control this kiss at your whim.
BEST NEW GUY
Joey. Holy lord. Something tells us Peggy’s secret Pete lovechild is going to have a new lovechild sibling to play with this season. Joey is played by Matt Long, who you won’t remember from the show Jack & Bobby because it was canceled after .078 seconds of screentime. Glad to have you back actor we’ve never really seen or heard from before.
BEST LIEUTENANT DAN HOMAGE
Dude from Advertising Age. Much like panties, looks like talking to Don got his limbs in a twist.
WORST NOTE TAKING
Dude from Advertising Age. Did he also lose both of his arms in Korea? That’s some J.J. Abrams sh*t right there.
BIGGEST ASSH*LE TO THE MAID
Don Draper. Seriously Don, she made you some pork chops and moved your shoe shine kit. Why you gotta be such a d*ck sometimes? You know maybe if you were a little nicer you could have spent Thanksgiving with her family instead of with a hired vagina.
WORST CASTING MISTAKE
Matthew Weiner, you done messed up this time. You write a maid into your script and don’t hire Hollywood’s favorite actress to play a maid Lupe Ontiveros? Erroneous.
THE HAPPIEST JOURNALIST
The guy from the Wall Street Journal. Not only does he score the Don Draper Big Man on Campus Scoop, but he also has BOTH of his legs. How psyched is this guy?
WORST… JUST THE WORST.
Betty. UGHHHHUH. First of all, she has no personality. On top of it, she’s horrible to her own children. Cannot waittttt for Henry to dump this broad.
MOST IMPROVED ACTRESS
Kiernan Shipka, aka Sally Draper. If you read this blog, you know that we had sort of had it with her speech impedimenting. But this season, Sally has returned as a more mature tiny actress, the lisp is gone, and most importantly, she hates her mother. Welcome BACK, Sally. We look forward to the sh*t you shall stir.
MIGHTY FINE GLASSES
Roger Sterling and Lane Pryce in a not-so-secret hipster contest.
SECOND BEST QUOTE
“So how are your balls? You enjoying yourself?” — Draper’s Attorney. Indeed, we think he is.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Great first episode, super-60s, and setting up a lot of fun stuff to come this season. We’re feelin’ the changes: New offices, new characters, new things for Don to completely f*ck up, over, or actually fix. What did you guys think? Let us know in the comments while we smoke a pack and watch that hypnotizing Harder GIF for the next few hours.
