Michael Lohan’s Song For Lindsay: An Analysis

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Michael Lohan has released a song which he wrote while he was in jail, and it’s all for daughter Lindsay. So what can you expect from this Daddy-daughter love-fest?  Well, not Lohan’s voice, sadly. He hired a “friend” to sing the lyrics over some heavy synthesizer tracks, and it’s a little Richard Marx-y and a whole lot of cheesy. Lohan would have written more poetic lyrics if he cribbed them from a Hallmark card, but uh, at least he was trying? Or something? Have a listen and then let’s analyze this thing!

Woke up this morning, heard the words to your song ["Confessions Of A Broken Heart" we guess?]

Never meant to hurt you, I know where I went wrong. [Where do you want to start, being jailed, forcing all four kids into child stardom, what?]

Raise you to understand all the good in life, [The paychecks from said child stardom.]

Somehow I lost my way, should’ve taken my advice. [Instead of drinking those paychecks away]

I love you so much, just one chance to make it up

‘Cause a father’s love will never die. [Unfortunately!]

See things through, no matter what the reasons why.

I see you look away, you heard the stories and the lies [The stories about you being in jail? Or beating up Kate Major? Or opening up a bar despite being an alcoholic? Should we go on?]

But if you need me dear, my love for you is alive. [In case you couldn't tell when I was on Larry King or talking through my lawyer or you know, releasing this song]

Always daddy’s little girl, a smile that never fades [Sorry Ali, there's only room for one little girl in daddy's heart.]

But now so far from me that only faith can light the way. [Really? Gonna go with religion here?]

I miss you so much, just one chance to make it up ’cause

A father’s love will never die. [Still immortal. Sigh. Can we get a Volturi in here to kill this thing?]

See things through, no matter what the reasons why

I see you look away, you heard the stories and the lies [Back on the "lies" again, ok, where are you on the insider trading or the probation violations?]

But if you need me dear, my love for you is alive. [Like those Sea Monkeys you add water to?]

I can’t take one breath without wondering how you are [Except when he's Celebrity Boxing, then he needs to reserve what air he can.]

With every tear I cry I’ll never fill this broken heart [Well now, you'd fill an empty heart. A broken heart you'd just try to mend so this metaphor doesn't work.]

‘Cause a father’s love will never die. [It's like at the end of Halloween when Michael Myers came back to life, remember that?]

I’ll see things through, no matter what the reasons why [Not like, because you're a parent or anything.]

I see you look away you heard the stories and the lies. [DUI! Family fistfights! Restraining orders!]

But if you need me dear, my love for you is alive. [Although it has cirrhosis and needs a liver transplant]

I promise you my love for you won’t die. [Promises, hey, that's a rehab facility! Rehab is where Lindsay's going after she's out of jail...annnnd we're full circle.]