This is a recap for the second episode of Season 4 of Mad Men starring Jon Hamm, Christina Hendricks, John Slattery, January Jones, and a slew of other talented actors. Things got pretty sarcasm-quote “sexy” this week. And here is your recap.
Don Draper. “I got nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?” (That’s Robert De Niro’s most famous quote, right? Great.)
CREEPIEST MATTHEW WEINER OFFSPRING
Meet Creepy Glenn, as he is now known around the country. Last season, Glenn, a portly young boy with the beginnings of a McDonald’s employee mustache, put the moves on Betty Draper, only to be rebuffed because he is a child and not rich enough anyway. This season, GLENN IS BACK! Much like the Angel of Death, or as my Mother refers to it, Malakh-Amoves. And we give it 3 episodes until Glenn’s mom finds a harem of flat cats under his bed, Hoarders/serial killer style.
Oh, and did you know? Glenn is played by Marten Weiner. You guessed it, son of Mad Men mastermind Matthew Wiener. Call us when a live recreation of this happens. (Also, Dad Weiner, how have you not written your other fabulous son Arlo into the script? Are you waiting for Sal to adopt??)
PLACE I WILL GET DRUNK AND WAIT OUTSIDE OF
Don’s fake office address, aka The Time Life Building. And if there’s one thing I’ve got, it’s time. And a life, obvs.
MOST SEXUALLY EXPLICIT TYPIST
Draper’s really layin’ it into those keys, ain’t he? Less sexy when you realize he’s typing out the lyrics to the Kirk Van Houten hit song, “Can I Borrow a Feeling.”
MOST TELLING SIGN THAT SALLY DRAPER HAS AN 80% CHANCE OF BECOMING A PORN STAR
“And most of all, I’d like you to be here on Christmas morning to give it to me. But I know you can’t be.” — Sally’s letter to her father. This will probably also be her suicide note in Season 15 (God willing the show lasts that long).
SHOULD BE SO THANKFUL SCREAM IS NOT A REAL MOVIE YET
Sally Draper, who once again has outdone herself with her newfound natural acting ability. You know, acting natural when a serial killer named Glenn just happens to call you and then break into your house and ask you what your favorite scary movies are, etc. Step into our Delorean, Sally, and take a look at what life will be like 15 years from now…
LONGEST IN THE HOUNDSTOOTH
Random advertising lady, who falls into the usual Mad Men pattern of wanting to f**k Don while simultaneously wearing hideous patterns.
WORST PERSON TO SIT NEXT TO IN MATH CLASS
“WHY DOES SHE GET ALL THE GOOD ONES??” — PATRICE, COMING TO AMERICA
Meet Allison, Don’s secretary, who seems to be whooping it up with all the SCDP boys, including our new office favorite Joey. Sighhh Joey. He’s so dreamy! He leans like a pro and even draws jokey naked caricatures. We haven’t liked a Joey this much since Joey Tribbiani on Joey, though this baby kangaroo ain’t half bad himself. (Don’t be maddd.)
MOST LIKELY TO MAKE LIKE AN 8 AM NAIL AND BE BANGED
Don’s new neighbor, Whorence Nightingale, a nurse who has made her advances on Don as clear as day. Also, we didn’t even know Rachel Bilson, Audrey Tatou and Patricia Heaton had a baby!
SCENE THAT MADE US LONG FOR THE LONG AGO, UNMOLESTY, THIN DAYS OF ACTOR JEFFREY JONES
Roger calling out for his secretary. “Grace! Grace!!”
SECOND GAYEST DUDE IN THE 60s
Lee Garner Jr. of Lucky Strike.
Our long lost unforgotten love, Sal. Lee agrees.
LOOKS LIKE ROGER’S ALSO GETTING A BONE-US
(throat clear) HEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Look, the outfits at the Christmas party were insane. As a woman with a Hungarian background and a fuller lower half, those a-line skirts had me clawing at the screen with a giant-assed intensity I never knew I had in me. (JK, I always know it every waking minute of my day.) But as someone who also likes to dress up the decolletage every now and again, whether it be pouring glitter in my cleav crack to placing a lit firecracker in between my b’s, no dress could outsparkle Jane‘s. I mean, look at that couple. LOOK AT THEM. Now look at your own feet and cry quietly so that Dan doesn’t hear you.
BEST SNOOKI POOFS
TIE: Between the advertising succubus and the pleasant bald fellow sitting next to her.
MOST LIKELY TO END UP UNDER OUR BEDS
No, seriously, stop making him this adorable. He’s one drink away from getting locked in a trunk labeled “My Favorite Ventriloquist Dummy. Open on Valentine’s Day.”
COLLAR US CRAZY
We don’t want to keep in-fur-ing what we already know to be true, but this fabulous bastard doesn’t seem to be hiding it at all, does he?
MEAL I WOULD PROBABLY EAT WHILE DRUNK
Come on, Welch’s Grape Jelly and Cheerios? How bad could it be? So Glenn broke into Betty and Henry’s house, formerly Don’s, and to’ the place up. Food everywhere, eggs in beds, and one delicately played lanyard keychain on Sally’s pillow. But what does Antoine Dodson think about all this?
AM THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT THIS PARTY LOOKED LIKE A LOT OF FUN?
BEST USE OF BOB SAGET AS A STAND-IN
The highlight of last night’s episode had to be when Lee Garner Jr. insisted our stealthy silver fox Roger Sterling dress up as Santy Claus, forcing each SCDP employee to perch on his fragile knee for a photograph. On the bright side, we did get the cover for our 2010 Christmas Card:
“Sorry, sorry, sorry.”
WHY CELL PHONES ARE THE SH*T
Because when you leave your keys on the floor of your office in a drunken stupor, you can ring up the secretary you’re about to defile from within the privacy of your own apartment. Instead of Don, who is forced to go back out onto the street looking like those homeless people you sometimes see who you think “You know, if that guy took a shower and lived with his parents I wouldn’t not talk to him.”
MOST ELECTRIC UNSPOKEN INVITATION TO A PENIS
We get where this season is going. Don, our adulterous, deceitful, handsome hero, is dying. He’s dying the slow death of loneliness and booze that his successful career has afforded him. But still… when he gets that look in his eye, no amount of whiskey stink or crow’s feet can cover-up the lightning bolts that shoot from beneath his gaze.
MOST AMOUNT OF CLOTHES EVER WORN DURING SEX EVER
For really real, even his penis had an overcoat and pair of loafers on.
Oh Don. Don Don Don Don Don Don Don… what happened to you? Look at yourself, man. Your face has become a Rosetta Stone of your life’s secrets. Your body, ragged, worn, used, wasted. And what worries us most? Your beautiful mind might be next to go.
WHAT DON’S SECRETARY’S CARD ACTUALLY SAID
Yes, the card and the bonus were already figured out from before he signed her check with his giant peen. But perhaps his timing could have been more genteel and less Pretty Woman Elevator fight scene. She’s a nice, clean girl who should not have been f**ked with, literally. Then again, $100 and some alone time with Don Draper??…
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS B*TCH COMPLAINING ABOUT?
Peggy and her boyfriend in post-coital bliss. Did we say bliss?
WE MEANT THE ABYSS OF UNFATHOMABLE PHYSICAL ATROCITIES
Look into those eyes, America. Peggy’s gotten down with a pig man. Ain’t no amount of alcohol gonna erase that.
OVERALL: Loved this episode. Don’s downward spiral continues to… spiral… downward… while Sally has a new boyfriend!! Who will almost definitely kill her baby brother. But still, young love! This season, the sexuallly harassy days of yesteryear are over, and reality seems to be setting in for each and every person on Mad Men. Next week, it looks like it’s Joan’s turn for a taste of “oh sh*t” drama.
What’d you guys think of the episode? Tell us in the comments!