My Mother Recaps The Real Housewives of NJ: “I Never Thought I’d Feel Sorry for Danielle the Whore”

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On last night’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey, “Don’t Drink The Holy Water”:

Teresa Guidice had a giant Christening party for her newborn, with Godmother Dina Manzo in tow. Danielle Staub and Kim G.’s BFF-ship blows up in the middle of a fanciful Jersey restaurant, while Jacqueline Laurita manages to dress her baby up like the world’s tiniest Juggalo. And Caroline Manzo continues starving herself.

It’s been a while since we’ve checked in with my Mother and Real Housewives expert Judy Collins, but thankfully, her heart palpitations and sailor’s mouth have not gotten any less powerful. And so, let’s enjoy her recap of this week’s episode… together:

On Language.

Let me tell you something: Danielle is 100 percent right. That f*cking Kim G. What a piece of sh*t. No really. You know, there’s a piece of sh*t and then there is a stinking f*cking piece of sh*t. That was terrible. You go “I’m your friend!” Dabbing the tears from your eyes, listening to her finding her birth mother, and then she goes and blabbers? And who is Kim G screwing to get that big f*cking house that she lives in?? I’m in shock. You know, you have this kind of behavior with young kids, like Snooki. (Ed. Note: +5 Mom points for her timely reference.) But not with adult women. I’m sorry. That Kim G is a lowlife just like Danielle. Kim G is the lowest of the low. To go and blabber something so personal? Why do you need to go and blabber this? Why? Uchhh! Really. That’s all I’m saying. I never thought I’d feel sorry for Danielle the Whore.

Let’s Move on to Theresa’s Christening Mega-Party

And the other monkeys there in that big party. Well now that I know that they didn’t have 2 pennies to rub together… If he only made $79,000 a year, why the f*ck do you throw a $50,000 party? I wish I know how to do that! Maybe he can give us lessons. $79,000… they live in a $2 million house, 4 kids, Gucci, Prada, Schmada, the guy is making pizza and they’re throwing parties left and right like they live in the White House. I never saw anything like this. But I wish he had a book so I’d know how to do this. I’m boiling, I’m so mad. I am foaming in the mouth from anger, that’s all I can tell you.

“But Mom, Where Did You Hear That He Makes $79,000 a Year?”

Eh, I don’t know. I heard it somewhere. I heard that he declared backruptcy because he owes $1.2 million to the government. He said that he only paid taxes on $79,000 to the IRS, and he said he gets $100,000 from the family. Now where I heard it, I can’t tell you, but I think Kim G told me. She called me and told me. (laughing, then serious) That Kim G is a PIG.

And I never thought in my life that I would defend Danielle. Ever. But you know what? She deserves a little defense. It’s just ugly. You know, seriously, the whole season she never bothered me. This season she didn’t. The other ones are the mean ones, churning her, a mean bunch of women. I wish they would have shown Gia a little more, at least give me some happiness.

Look at the baby. It looks like a scene from The Godfather. There is Jacqueline. Her intelligence cannot be higher than an ape. Uch, she’s so dumb.

“Dumb Has a Face, and It’s Jacqueline.” — Mother

And Ashley… I hate her, and I’m not gonna be happy until she’s gonna share a cell with Lindsay Lohan, which is available cause Lindsay’s out now.

But They Have Great Chemistry!

Theresa is a lowlife pig. A lowlife pig. If she’s gonna say “Give me a kiss!” to the husband one more time, I’m thinking “Another kiss, he’s gonna throw up on her.” He can’t even look at her. I don’t know if you see that body language. “Do you like it?” On top of which she looks like a f*ckin’ monkey. There was a scene when they were getting dressed and he was shirtless. Mr. Class, eating in the kitchen, shirtless. Yeah, very appetizing. Bon appetit.

I mean this show… usually I like to watch TV, it makes me happy. But this show, at the end of the hour, I need a tranquilizer.

If You Had to Classify Kim G. as Some Sort of Swine, What Sort of Swine Would That Be?

Kim G is a pig. A pig. I only hope that the other clan, Jacqueline, the other women, that they see through her. I’m very surprised that Jacqueline stood up to her and said “Maybe you’re doing to me what you’re doing to her?” I was proud because she’s a halfwit anyway. Kim G is a pig, what can I tell you?

And Caroline?

Caroline doesn’t do anything. She’s the smartest one there. Caroline and Dina. Dina was smart to leave the show altogether, she’s the smartest. Caroline is a bright woman. The thing here is with Danielle. Here is someone you look down at because of her past blah blah blah, but in this episode you have feelings for her. They treat her like garbage. She’s a human being and she didn’t do anything to any of them.

But there is a God. For Theresa is first. Let’s see if she can buy Gucci shoes for her children now. I’m serious. At least Danielle is still in a house. It’s still worth couple of bucks. Where is Theresa going? That’s what I want to know.

After The Epic Restaurant Fight…

That Kim G… It had to be staged. Danielle wasn’t saying anything, she left and she the other one ran after her. Kim G is a f*ckin pig in a big house. Small pig in a big sty. Her house was — oh my god. It just bothers me. And you know what? She ‘s disgusting.

Why would Danielle be jealous of her? Yeah right, some old alta cocker and she acts like she would be some kind of, uh, Lady Gaga. (laughter) I’m so mad. No, really. Just a disgusting… you know at first she looks like a Park Avenue lady, and then she opens her mouth and you’re saying “There’s no difference between her and Danielle.” The woman has no class.

And Finally, the Question That’s On Everyone’s Mind

Who is paying for the trip to Italy? And you heard? Theresa’s husband was arrested. There is a God.

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