That’s more like it! After last week’s exposition-laced season premiere of Jersey Shore, everything kicked up a notch last night and the Jersey Shore we know and love was back in action. This episode revolved largely around the aftermath of Captain Smush’s wild, Miami Vice and Patron-fueled night of 3-way kissing and motorboating Jell-O shot girls; although we’re sad that our girl Snooks was basically absent for the entire episode, we’re more than content with the amount of groundwork for this season’s shenanigans that was laid last night. So, without any further ado, why don’t you join us as we count down the Top Ten Catchphrases from last night’s episode of Jersey Shore.
10. “They actually left it on the floor and called me and said, ‘What should we do with the chicken on the floor?’ Pick that sh*t up, dawg!” —The Situation
You know what happens when you drop food on the floor in South Beach, don’t you? “You’re excluded from dinner, then. You’re excluded from Surf-and-Turf Night. You’re excluded from Ravioli Night. You’re excluded from Chicken-Cutlet Night.” Hopefully Snooks learned how to cook in the offseason!
9. “Somebody just grabbed my ass, I think it was the Situation!” —DJ Pauly D
If you weren’t paying close attention during the first 40 seconds or so of the episode, you no doubt missed this gem of a line, uttered by DJ Pauly D as the crew left the nightclub where Ron Ron got loose and three-way kissed a couple of grenades. Moments like this are why reality show producers mic their characters even when camera crews aren’t around.
8. “Wait, are these for boobs?” —Snooki
Good ole Snickers didn’t have much to do during this episode, but when the gals — sans Angelina, natch — swung by the “tranny” store to please the horndoggy producers while the boys were no doubt GTLing, the Princess of Poughkeepsie made sure her catchphrase game was on point.
7. “I can just see it coming, that’s how she is. A little bit of alcohol, and throughout the night, it gets worse, and worse, and worse, until wah-lah! Mrs. Cock-Block of the Century comes out. That’s who she truly is.” —The Situation
It was a rough episode for Angelina “Jolie.” After allowing some famewhorish hangers-on to get her blazingly badrunken at the club, she managed to alienate her two remaining allies in the house with her fingerpointing and buzzkilling vibes. Although she hinted (threatened?) at hooking up with both The Situation and DJ Pauly D last week (see: “If I hook up with one of youze one night, who gives a f*ck?”), it looks like the only person she’ll be hooking up with this season will be some loser at a club who just wants to put a “Reality Show D-Lister” notch on his bedpost.
6. “It’s awkward, bro. It’s not Saved By The Bell, we’re not f*ckin’ Zack and Kelly. It’s weird.” —Ron Ron
Some people have been critical of the cast’s newfound self-awareness during the show’s second season, but after two episodes, we kind of dig it. Although it’s never explicitly addressed by the cast members, it’s clear that they recognize the fact that they are celebrities and an important cog in the gossip machine. We appreciate that they are rebelling against the pop culture pigeonholes that the nefarious editors of glossy tabloids have tried to put them in. Let’s just hope that Captain Smush sticks to Ron Ron Juice and avoids everything else for the rest of the season, lest he and Sammi Sweetheart turn into Sid and Nancy!
On an only tangentially related note, what’s up with Ron Ron’s sudden hearing loss? He asks Sammi Sweetheart to repeat herself like eight different times in this episode. Somebody in production get this bro an earpiece, stat!
5. “That’s what’s up. Ronnie was twisted last night, he doesn’t remember a thing. I was twisted, too, but I don’t think I was that bad.” —DJ Pauly D
No, Pauly D, you were not. You didn’t end up staring down a lampshade like it just stepped on your new kicks. That said, while we wholeheartedly concur that Ron Ron was indeed “twisted” at the club, we didn’t buy his “I don’t remember a thing” spiel, not for a second. We knew that he was lying about his blacking out when he lucidly asked Pauly D if he “three-way kissed” any girls at the club last night. He *clearly* remembered doing that and wanted to cash in on some Bro Points with his boys for doing so. We’re onto you, Captain Smush!
4. “This hair ain’t moving, my dude. 150 miles an hour, on the highway, on a street bike, doesn’t move. What makes you think it’s gonna move in a gelato shop?” —DJ Pauly D
Honestly, we have no idea why the producers of the show would want the cast to go work at some rando’s gelato shop. Shouldn’t the cast be using their daytime hours to GTL, recover from hangovers and prowl the beach for juicehead gorillas/bodacious babes instead of fulfilling the orders of a bunch of dairy-craving jerks? Boo on this plotline!
3. “Ronnie’s new nickname now is I.F.F. I.F.F. is the I’m F*cked Foundation. He’s a client and the president.” —DJ Pauly D
We totally love how the Jersey Shore cast is obsessed with three-letter acronyms. First, there was GTL, now there’s the I.F.F. Also, if you paid close attention to the chalkboard near their phone, you would’ve picked up that someone wrote a message there about the G.F.F., which stands for the Grenade Free Foundation. So many foundations! Where do we donate?
2. “I got wild last night. Threw in a 3-way kiss, I was onstage motorboatin’ the Jell-O shot girls.” —Ron Ron, aka Captain Smush
Ronnie blames it on the Patron. Pauly D blames it on “too many Miami Vices.” Others blame it on too much nose candy. We, however, don’t blame anything, bro! We’d love to see more of this reckless behavior and cashing-in-on-your-current-level-of-celebrity-to-score-trashy-drunk-chicks, please! Our only question: Why did he confess this behavior to J-Woww? Is it because he wants to free himself from Sammi’s clutches but doesn’t have the heart/cajones to do it himself?
1. “I got the fresh to death kicks on, I got some jeans on, and i got the shirt, but I ain’t wearin’ the shirt when we go out. This is the Shirt Before The Shirt.” —The Situation
If there’s one thing that you can count on from our boy The Sitch, it’s catchphrase gold. Unlike Captain Smush and his no-necked Staten Island cronies pretending like they invented the term “double bagger,” Mike Sorrentino is a naturally charismatic and gifted catchphrase creator. Not only did he calmly drop a phrase like “an abundance of wifebeaters” just moments before this, his coinage of the Shirt Before The Shirt™ will no doubt be ironed (possibly spray-painted!) onto thousands of tank tops before the day is out. Congrats, Sitch, you win again.
Oh yeah, before we go, quick shout out to our homies J420 and Joey Yams!
Until next week,
PS: This technically isn’t a quote, but it was priceless nonetheless. How about that moment where The Situation rises in the middle of the night from his slumber, blindly reaches for the beer on his nightstand, takes a sip and then goes back to bed? HERO STATUS.