MY MOTHER RECAPS THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF D.C.: We Are Falling Into The Toilet, This Country

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The Real Housewives of D.C. has already been on America’s radars since November of 2009, when one of the housewives, Michaele Sahali, breached White House security along with her husband and went from Bravo reality stars to headline news. Now, the show is upon us. Let’s meet the cast:

Stacie Scott Turner: A lovely African-American real estate agent with a hot husband and adorable children. Stacie is what we would call the “normal” one of the group.

Lynda Erkiletian: The local MILF. Lynda is a divorced mother of grown children, whose boyfriend is an 8 foot tall suit model named Ebong who is definitely giving her her groove back.

Catherine Ommanney: Catherine Ommanney’s last name is hilarious because she has an extremely deep voice. She is British, married to the most connected man on the show, and may or may not hate black people. Time will tell.

Mary Schmidt Amons: A pigface whose Grandfather was the legendary Arthur Godfrey. If you are from Miami as I am, you’ve most definitely driven down his road. Despite Mary’s links to anti-Semitism as my Mother will describe below, we are going to give her a shot at being one of the “good wives.”

Michaele Salahi: All around nightmare and possible anorexic/drug addict.

Because yesterday was the premiere, much of the episode was spent introducing us to the above ladies. Thankfully, it was not fully without its dramas. But rather than rehash what we’ve already hashed, let us turn to Real Housewives expert and real housewife herself, my mother Judy Collins, to get her take on the episode as it unfolded, as well as some bonus opinions about Jersey Shore:

Following The First Commercial Break…

I have to keep my eyes open, that’s how bored I am. Let me tell you something, you know this Michaele Salahi? There was a big altercation with Whoopi on The View I don’t know why Whoopi attacked her. (Ed. Note: Her opinion will eventually change as this recap progresses…)

I love Staci. Harvard business educated, she’s a bright woman. The kids are absolutely adorable. And this English woman (drops her voice to male testicular levels) talks very very low. And if I’m saying it, then you know it’s low. (Ed. Note: My genetically deep voice concurs.) Her kids are cute too. You know why that girl only 5 out of 20 questions right on her spelling test? The English spell differently. They spell “color” c-o-l-o-U-r. And if you’re not used to it, you get nixed. That’s why she got 5 right on the spelling test. And her boyfriend is a good looking white house photographer…

Mary Schmidt Amons, Granddaughter of Arthur Godfrey, Miami’s Most Famous Jew Hater

Arthur Godfrey was a huge anti-Semite. Ask Daddy. It’s known. And that’s the irony in Miami Beach is that all the Hasidic Jews live on Arthur Godfrey Road. He owned a hotel that had a sign on the door that said “No Dogs, No Jews.” I feel like crying when I’m saying it. Tell your readers. They can Google it up. Mendy (Ed. Note: My dad), where was the hotel that Arthur Godfrey owned?

(Dad’s voice in background)

Mom: Right, almost across from Bal Harbour. The Kenilworth.

Michelle: Hold on. He wouldn’t allow dogs in a hotel called the Kenilworth?

Mom: Hahah! You’re the best. You’re a genius.

On Michaele Salahi, Your Seasoned Lunatic

That Michaele is really crazy. Wow. I like everyone except for that Michaela. Daddy said that the housewives on this show are more intelligent than the ones in Jersey. He’s right. Jersey is the lowest. There is just no brain there.

Halfway Through The Show Update: Digital Ambien

You know, I had a very poor night of sleep last night. And this show is FABULOUS. Because it’s putting me to sleep. Better than a sleeping pill! It is just going nowhere. It’s the worst. Literally the worst. I understand it’s the first episode but you know, Daddy says they’re more intelligent, but they’re also very catty. And the more the show is going, the less intelligent they appear to be.

Why Do Nazis Always Have Pig Faces? The Mary Schmidt Amons Legacy

She’s annoying. Even putting a thing on her f*cking door so only she can open the closet? She’s like a Nazi. That blood runs through generations, I’m telling you. I’m thinking “Imagine if I would have locked my closet?” You would say “What kind of mother does this?” I mean think of it. She has a good looking husband but she seems like a rich bitch selfish person.

Following the Catastrophe that was the British Housewife Catherine Ommanney putting down Tyra Banks and Barack Obama in the kitchen of Stacie Scott Turner…

(Ed. Note: My Mother is hysterically laughing throughout this entire rant, on the verge of tears.) I always… listen… thought the English are a little more refined and a little smarter than the Americans… until I bump into this one. And this one has to be the dumbest pig I ever met.

She is 2 months in DC, gets invited into a lovely evening, a chef for famous celebrities… the food looked delicious. Right off the bat, “I don’t like sake.” You live in a city full of diplomats, where is a little tact?? You don’t have to announce that. If you have to fart, you don’t say anything, but sometimes you have to. I’ll just go with the flow and see how things are going. She immediately announces – wait, don’t write that fart thing. (Ed. Note: Sorry, mother, I am a “journalist.”) She’s an assh*le! Be a little diplomatic.

And Tyra Banks?? I am offended! (laughing) I have to tell you, I am very offended. Though I like her taste in presidents. (Ed. Note: And so it is revealed, my mother does not hate President Bush.) On the other hand, everybody in that room is black except for the anti-Semite’s granddaughter. This girl. This girl, there is something very wrong. I have to find out what school she came out from in England. So far, I have to tell you, of all the Housewives this had to be the funniest housewives yet.

And finally, my Mother’s response when I ask her to watch an episode of The Jersey Shore:

Shmooki or Flooki or I don’t care. Please don’t ask me to watch it. She’s so ugly that girl. Gevalt. I think, you know, OK, there used to be 15 minutes of fame, but some people in America, ugly with no talent, get 15 YEARS of fame. She’s a fat, ugly, really dog ugly f*king girl. And this is what the President talks about? WE ARE FALLING INTO THE TOILET, THIS COUNTRY.

Thoughts on the premiere? Tell us below!

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