Well, the much ballyhooed conjugal visit between Snooki and Vinny turned out to be more hype than hookup, but that didn’t mean that we didn’t enjoy this week’s episode of Jersey Shore all the same. Although, it must be said that we’re starting to get a bit concerned about the dark direction that Ron Ron’s life in South Beach has taken. After all, there’s a fine line between creeping and being a creep. Did he cross that line this week? All of your questions will be answered below as we count down this week’s Top Ten Catchphrases (now in both jpeg AND video form)!
10) “Yo Snooks, the whole time she was going, ‘Na na na na, ma ma ma.’ F*ck that!” —Ron Ron
After pounding enough Ron Ron Juice at the club to stun a fully grown elephant, Captain Smush angrily sent Sammi Sweetheart back to the Herpes Nest to get the bed warm for him before proceededing to mack on anything with a body temperature in vicinity of 98.6° Fahrenheit. Our gal Snooks tried talking sense into him by reminding him of how his behavior would affect Sammi, but Ronnie was feeling no pain and didn’t want anything to do with his ole ball-and-chain. Until later, that is…
9) “Jenni’s t*ts definitely defy gravity. I think Albert Einstein should come back and rewrite his laws of physics and work it around Jenni’s t*ts.” —Vinny
We’re fairly certain that young Vincenzo is referring to the theories of Sir Isaac Newton and not Albert Einstein, but hey, that’s what you get when you place GTL above a GED, right? What, too harsh?
8) “I really don’t have a technique for scooping, and I didn’t think there was a technique for scooping. But I guess I have to read like a whole handbook on how to scoop right.” —Snooki
We are surprised that Enzo didn’t buy each of the Jersey Shore cast members a copy of I Scream, You Scream: The True Story Of How Baskin Fell For Robbins, which, as all employees in the field of frozen dairy sciences will tell you, is THE seminal book on how to run an organized ice cream and/or gelato shop. It covers everything from optimal scooping techniques to how to tell the difference between a plain cone and a sugar cone purely by smell. Now available at a bookstore near you!
(Also, for what it’s worth, we liked The Situation’s impression of Enzo, which sounded a lot more to us like The Count from Sesame Street than the owner of the gelato shop, but whatevs!)
7) “He was like hypnotized. One of the hyenas hypnotized him.” —The Situation
We’re not sure that we’re liking this newly self-aware version of The Situation. He seems to have developed some early symptoms of Ferris Bueller Syndrome, a condition which drives its victims to compulsively break the fourth wall by constantly staring directly at the camera and hamming it up. (See the screenshot above.) Also, he’s trying way too hard to bring back the sense of wonder and excitement that his metaphors for ugly women (grenades, landmines, zoo animals, etc.) inspired in a nation last year. Hopefully, his complete lack of success at bringing customers into the gelato shop by putting his abs on display will cut his confidence down a notch and The Sitch that we all know and love will return.
6) “Can I smoosh you, please?” —Ron Ron
The resident gorilla juicehead of the Jersey Shore has been nothing short of a liquored-up lothario in M.I.A. so far this season. Sadly, Sammi Sweetheart has yet to acquire a clue. We have no way of telling whether or not the two smooshed or not that night, but after all the dranks/other stuff Ron Ron consumed at the club that night, we’re guessing he might have come up with a severe case of whiskey dick. That said, the events of this night did lead to a day of romantic gelato-scooping, so what do we know?
5) “Yo, put that on the grill!” —DJ Pauly D
Remember Chicken Cutlet night? Well, now that they cast is in M.I.A. and not Sleazeside Heights, that night has a whole new definition. Side Note: We actually felt pretty bad for the poor blonde girl who lost her cutlet in the hot tub, she looked crushed when the boys were playing catch with it.
4) “Mike, Vinny, Pauly — MVP. And we are the most valuable players in M.I.A., supporting the G.F.F.” —Vinny
Like we told you last week, this gang’s infatuation with three letter acronyms knows no bounds. We like the newly coined term MVP, if for no other reason that it excludes that creep Ronnie. Some say this threesome is way cooler than the new big three of the Miami Heat, LeBron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. That is, if you purposefully ignore the fact that the MVP triumvirate brought a bunch of grenades home from the club.
Also, maybe it’s just us, but don’t this kind of look like an ad for a escort service for gay men?
3) “Oh, it hurts my vagina.” “You want to come on down?” “No, I like it.” —Snooki and The Situation
Thanks to Ron Ron’s escalating substance abuse problem, this season of Jersey Shore has definitely taken a turn for the darkside. Which is why we liked this little moment between The Situation and Snooki so much. It hearkened back to an earlier era, a time where innocence, chicken parm and shared smokes on the back porch reigned. May there be more moments like this in the future, moments where the Sitch and Snooks just shoot the breeze (and maybe make out a little, too).
2) “Toma toma toma, ven aqui ven aqui ven aqui, TOMA!” —Ron Ron
No diggity, Captain Smush was hammered again. It was tough to tell whether it was just alcohol or a mixture of substances that got Ron Ron acting this way; even The Situation made a comment about Mr. Magro’s state of intoxication, describing it as “whatever it was,” which we read as code for “not just drunk on Ron Ron Juice, people.” Yes, it was pretty dark to see Ron Ron get to a point where he’s complaining about Sammi getting on his case in some Neanderthalic version of Spanish, but it was also kind of funny that he got so worked up that he wiped out. Can any Spanish speaking readers translate for us?
1) “This is MVP night! Mike, Vinny, Pauly. Not to be confused with Beamer, Benz, or Bentley. Or Nissan, Honda, Chevy. Straight up and down, no playing around, no bullsh*t. Oh look, the wifebeater gang.” —DJ Pauly D
Nissan, Honda, Chevy? Is that a thing? We’ve never seen DJ Pauly D speed his voice up like this before, but we’re glad that we did. Now, we can rest easy knowing that whenever this Jersey Shore ride comes to an end, he can take the late John Moschitta, Jr.’s place as the fastest talking man in the United States. Also, we’re glad that he decided to bring out the “red joints” (aka, shoes) on this night. Can’t just leave those in the box, son!
Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments.
Until next week,