MAD MEN RECAP: Finally, The Episode Where We Get to See Don Draper Naked

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This is a recap for the fourth episode of Season 4 of Mad Men starring Jon Hamm, Christina Hendricks, John Slattery, January Jones, and a slew of other talented actors, on an episode called “The Rejected.” And here if your For Your Consideration Recap:



BEST MAD MEN OPENING SHOT EVER


Whoo, y’all (fanning myself with comically oversized geisha fan), nudity on Mad Men? Is Jon Hamm going to get so drunk he accidentally forgets his pants at a Pond’s Cold Cream meeting? Or will this be like on NYPD Blue, when everyone stayed up late to see some primetime, network television nakedness, only to be slapped across the face with an image of Sipowicz‘s bare ass? We shall masturbate and see.



BEST CANCER REVEAL


Oh, look, Anna wrote!! Can someone make out this handwriting? I swear, I wish she’d stop writing her letters on MS Paint. It’s disrespectful.



TIE MOST LIKELY TO HAVE WON “THE BIGGEST LOSER”

Pete Campbell’s tie, which is one jar of peanut butter away from being on Intervention for being a tie bulemic. Why even wear a tie that skinny? Just tie a shoelace around your neck. I’m still waiting for the day neck barrels come into fashion.



QUOTE THAT MADE ME FEEL SMART


“My father-in-law’s a bus driver, only place he can take me to is the moon.” — Harry Crane, you ol’ Honeymooners referencing so-and-so.



9 MONTHS LATER, THIS COLUMN WOULD GIVE ITS HALF-CONCRETE/HALF-CAMPBELL BABY UP FOR ADOPTION


Pete Campbell is wayyy too fertile. I wouldn’t touch the guy with a 10-foot-vagina, unless I wanted my ovaries to look like the back of a Gremlin after you splash water on it.



OH LOOK! PEGGY HAS A NEW FRIEND


She seems… plain… but nice!



OH LOOK! PEGGY HAS A NEW LESBIAN FRIEND


I live for the gay drama on this show, so the more the merrier. Plus, nothing like a pushy lesbian to somehow make Peggy more likable. But just what sort of photos would a lesbian be toting around with her?



THESE ARE THE NOODZ?!??!!!1





WE’VE BEEN SIPOWICZ’D, AMERICA.


OK, the photos are beautiful, and hey, credit where it’s due, it is a bare breast on a basic cable network. And because it’s art, we figured we didn’t need to cover up the nips with your dearly beloved BWE.tv logos. So technically, these are the first nudes to appear on this blog. But still… don’t threaten us with Mad Men nudity and then give us some sh*t we’d stroll right by in MOMA in order to buy one of those fancy “clouds on the insides” umbrella.



“I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER?” SAYS LOCAL SERIAL KILLER


Very unfair screencap, yes, but if we had to stare into those beady WASP eyes, well then everyone does.



GREATEST F*CK-UP COVER UP


Pete was shaking in his size 7 shoes about breaking the news to his father-in-law about losing the Clearasil account. But what’s this? His bad news is overshadowed by the announcement of Trudy’s pregnancy! Looks like someone got…





DID WOMEN REALLY GIVE THEMSELVES THESE GLORIOUS UP-DOS?


I’m an up-do fiend. I own 500 Goody spin pins. But come on, Matthew Wiener. Unless Trudy has kept this look together from the prom night she lost her virginity to Pete on, we uhhhknow she did not just throw this sh*t up herself. Adding this to the recap because I am EXTREMELY jealous. And speaking of hair…



MESSAGE TO PETE


This is less than 20 years after World War II. I’m sure Pete secretly hates Js, but the gelled combover is one Chaplin away from being a tasteless Halloween costume.



“YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!”


“I mean, um, sure. Of course I’ll hold on to your ring for you.” — Peggy



JOANIE CHRIST SUPERSTARRIEST





(MOCKINGLY) “WILL YOU HOLD MY WEDDING RING FOR ME? LOUSY SON OF A BITCH WHORE.” — PEGGY





“SORRY, DON, I’LL KEEP IT DOWN. IT’S JUST… MY FINGER IS COLD.”


Caught in her own embarrassing act.



FAKEST ASS TEETH


Look, we can all pretty much tell that this girl is some kind of model/mail order bride who wanted to try her hand at acting. And she’s actually not bad. But really, the dentures they’re forcing her to wear? Not cute.



I WILL ALWAYS IMAGINE THIS FACE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF EVERY MIRROR I PEER INTO FROM NOW ON


Get ready for me to look a lot more beautiful/self-conscious, world!



THIS IS WHY WOMEN DON’T MAKE AS MUCH MONEY AS MEN


“Really, girls, keep it together. You’re embarrassing me…” — Every male in every workforce ever.



FACE I WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF


Angry Peggy. When Allison accused her of getting in bed with Don to get to where she was professionally, I nearly thought her wig was gonna done rocket ship into space. This scene in a way sets us up for Peggy’s big lesbian fake date.



WELCOME BACK COSGROVE


Yay, Ken Cosgrove is back! I never thought I’d say this, but I missed the blond long-crotched son of a bitch. Odds he’s coming back to SCDP? 1 billion.



SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT HITLER HAIR


Down with male bangs, am I right ladies?



GREAT LIGHTING IN THIS SCENE


Look at that big ol’ man, taking the setting sun to the face with ease. Masculine, brooding, set in his ways, handsome, fearless, and — oh, wait –

P*ssy. It’s the broken arm block that really gets us. She had every right to do it, p.s. Love watching Don’s downfall, because he’s either going to die from alcoholism or come back next season super swankyyy.



WHY WE COULD NEVER WORK NEXT DOOR TO DON


We would probably spend half the day standing on our desks.



SCENESTEALER.BIZ


Cooper, eating an apple.



THIS GUY PROBABLY WENT TO JUILLIARD





“IS THERE BEER OR SOMETHING?”


I said BEER not BEAR.



QUOTE OF THE NIGHT


“I have a boyfriend”/ “He doesn’t own your vagina.”/ “No, but he’s renting it.” We hope he put down a deposit! Ladiesssss!! Seriously, Peggy, get an abortion this time.



KEN BURNS’ CIVIL WAR HERO HE IS NOT





IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF SAMUEL L. JACKSON IN COMING TO AMERICA, “WHO THE HELL IS THIS ASSH*LE?”





GET IT, GURL


Oh yay! Finally a man for Peggy who doesn’t have a crazy pigface and who actually seems smooth, competent, smart and sectsyooal. WE HIGHLY APPROVE OF THIS.



LOVE. HER.


Meet Miss Blankenship, Don’s new secretary and our new favorite fictional human being alive. Don’t worry though… Don will almost certainly sleep with her.



ZOINKS! JINKIES!


Wow, Joyce’s friends DO look familiar… Of course. These are the kids that realized it was Mr. Hydewater stealing money from Ol’ Winchester’s Carnival! Either that, or there was a Scooby Doo costume sale near the studios that the costume designer just couldn’t resist.



MY LOVE, THERE’S ONLY YOU IN MY LIFE, THE ONLY THING THAT’S BRIGHT


My first love, you’re every breath that I take, you’re every step I make. And I (I-I-I-I-I), I want to share all my love with you, no one else will do… And your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, they tell me how much you care. Ooh yes, you will always be… My endless love.



BEST CLIFFHANGER EVER


Well? DID SHE GET THE PEARS OR NOT?!?!??! Stay tuned for next episode to find out.

What did you think of “The Rejected”? Slow at first, but picked up? Good all the way through? Boring? Tell us in the comments, plus your predictions for what is going to happen this season.

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