My Mother Recaps the Real Housewives of New Jersey: “Darwin Was Right”

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Teresa Guidice, Jacqueline Laurita and Caroline Manzo headed to Italy, with half of the Bronz zoo in tow. Meanwhile, Danielle Staub stayed behind in New Jersey and was free to eat all the panini she liked, wherever she liked. (Freedom!)

It was a fairly plot-free episode. As a result, the recap that you’ve come to expect from my beloved mother Judy Collins is fairly straightforward and without its usual tangents.

So today, we present to you my Mother’s recap, uninterrupted:

Let me tell you something. First of all, that Caroline… I.. I… I don’t… what normal human being says “You mess with my family, you mess with me” unless you’re some kind of gavone? That’s a word I learned from “Sex and the City.” Who messes with the family unless you’re a mafia person?? And that’s in the intro every week! That’s one.

I agree that Theresa and the bunch of monkeys she’s carrying is too much, not just for them but for any human being. You spend thousands of dollars to go on a trip, just to listen and look at a bunch of monkeys at the zoo. I love Gia, but the other ones, I never saw anything like this. I’m sure all the Italians are laughing at them.

And another thing. Caroline keeps complaining about them, but they’re in Naples. Capri is 30 minutes away. She can say “You know, Albert and I are taking a day off, the two of us are having a day off.” What are they, attached at the hip?? Have lunch in Capri, go to Pompeii, go to the Amalfi coast… (Ed. Note: My mother continued to daydream about her dream Amalfi vacation for another three hours. Then:) I don’t understand, it’s always drama. She comes across as a nurturing mother, “Oh, Albert will be a great Grandpa!” Get the hell out of here. She’s as phony as a $2 bill.

Everything time I see Danielle with those gorgeous girls, I have nothing but respect for her. She’s a very food Mom and has raised gorgeous girls. Jackie could take lessons from her. “I want to talk to you” — not a word! They put the phone down when Danielle asked, stopped saying the word ass… sweet, nice, wall-mannered girls. As nasty as she is outside the house, she’s a very good Mom. Jackie’s daughter, that big pig, should take lessons on how to behave.

Danielle is a lowlife outside of the house. Inside the house she’s a very nice person. I don’t understand how that works, but I’m seeing it here. I feel sad for those girls, but they are very sweet, and they respect her. They are the nicest.

I mean, if there was a contest for who looks like a monkey… What did my Mother used to say? Like my Mother used to say when she saw people that looked like monkeys, “Look, see, I told you: Darwin was right.”

At least I got to glimpse a little bit of Italy. And the hotel thing with Joe, that ape: I’m sure somebody drank from the minibar. They don’t just go and make up a price. Somebody drank. And excuse me, is he a total ape or partial? You don’t know in advance how much you’re paying for a hotel? Believe me, and believe me, he had to know. Cause Caroline is not bitching. Why isn’t her husband talking about 850 euro?? The guy is an ape, excuse me, I’m sorry. You know in advance what the rate from the night is. They didn’t come from the street. Is this the first time he ever left New Jersey?

Did you see what those girls were dressed like? I thought Halloween was over. Those furs! I love the Italian language though. Joe is a bulvan. (laughing) But what can I say, so is Theresa.

And Jacqueline bothers me. Because for somebody who doesn’t want to be involved with Danielle, every opportunity she mentions Danielle. Why are you even bringing her up if you don’t think of her? If I dislike someone and I’m on the other side of the world, the last person I would think of is that person. I hope her daughter goes to jail.

Jackie, oh my God, she has no intelligence seriously. You know, look at Danielle. She was a lowlife, in jail, whatever, but even listen to the language. She sounds by far more intelligent than Jackie, the buffoon. Sweet, cute face — face as cute as a button! — but dumb as sh*t.

And on Next Week’s Preview:

Wow. I don’t understand, seriously, from Caroline again why they’re attacking Danielle. Unless it’s being pushed as a plot by the producers. Cause I never see Danielle starting, NEVER. And as much as I don’t like to be on her side, I have to.