Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown: This Ain’t School

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Has the cast of Jersey Shore lost their magic in the hedonistic clubs of M.I.A.? This week’s episode felt a bit, how shall we say, stale. We are SO over the whole Captain Smush dogging out Sammi Sweetheart storyline; we sincerely hope that the rest of the cast decides to step it up over the next few weeks. That said, one thing you can count on each and every week is that the cast will spout off some classic lines. With that in mind, please follow along for this week’s Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown!


10) “There’s a lot of people out here in shape. So you need to be on your tip-top game with your G.T.L to stay F.T.D to get the girls to D.T.F in M.I.A.”The Situation
Okay, Sitch, we get it. You love your three-letter acronyms. While you may think it’s clever (and the producers are no doubt egging you on to continue using them), take it from your fans and recognize that you need to stop forcing the issue so much. We cool? Cool. Now GTFO.

9) “Ohhhh. Schwinger!”DJ Pauly D
Whereas our old buddy the Sitch is clearly pressing too hard here in season two (which, frankly, concerns us about what he’s going to be like in season three), Rhode Island’s premier house music DJ continues to be cool as a cucumber. In particular, we loved how he turned a piece of stale Wayne’s World vernacular into a whole new thing simply by changing a verb into a noun. Keep up the good work, Pauly D!

8) “I’m not crying anymore, I’m ready to chop your balls off.”Snooki
Poor Shnickers. Even when she thought she found true happiness with her boyfriend Emilio — remember how happy they seemed back in Episode 1 when she wanted two of Emilio’s “meatballs” in her face? — it turns out that she’s still out there Snookin’ for love. And, if this quote is any indication, for vengeance.

7) “Do we have a Butterface flavor or what?”Vinny
Since when did Vin acquire a sense of humor? He got off a couple of good zingers this week, including this one he launched after being propositioned by a few zoo animals at the gelato shop.

6) “You need to give up the cookie, son, so you can find another one. I’m eatin’ chocolate chip cookies every night, dawg.”The Situation
We’re fairly certain that Sitch is just about the last person on Earth that we’d go to for relationship advice, but as he is wont to do from time to time, he broke down the primary issue at the heart of Captain Smush and Sammi Sweetheart’s dating sitch in a simple, elegant and hilarious way. That said, based on the visual evidence we’ve seen so far during this second season of Jersey Shore, we would argue that Sitch hasn’t come within 100 yards of a chocolate chip cookie all season long. Rather, from our vantage point, there are all sorts of stale Hydrox crumbs piling up in the general vicinity of his bedroom.

5) “Let me explain something to you, because we have about 20 fuckin beautiful 6’4″ guys outside our door. So while you’re f*ckin’ the nasty bitches out there, I’m sure Nicole’s gonna get it in down here, alright? So at the end of the day, you’re just a loser as it is, and you’re a drunk skank with no job. So get it through your f*ckin’ head, alright?”J-WOWW
While J-WOWW doesn’t have a funny bone in her body, she wins mad respect for being Nicole’s best friend and bodyguard (both on a physical and emotional level).

4) “I think Victoria should’ve kept this one a secret.”Vinny
We got ourselves a regular Rodney Dangerfield over here! Raise your hand if you think that the producers fed him this line. Yep, that’s what we thought. Still, bonus points for execution. Keep it up, Vincenzo.

3) “I don’t like tests, that’s why I didn’t go to college. Don’t test me, because I will fail a majority of the time.”Ron Ron
If there were a test for being a Creepy Creeperson, Captain Smush over here would pass with flying colors. Give up the cookie and put down the Ron Ron Juice, son, we’re starting to get worried about you!

2) “She had summer teeth. Some are like this, some are like that.”DJ Pauly D
Is this a thing? Did we somehow miss this terminology for the 36 years we’ve been walking around Planet Earth until just now? Either way, score one for Pauly D, especially for the complicated hand gestures that accompanies this one-liner.

1) “Guys are douchebags and I hate them all. They don’t know how to deal with women and I feel that’s why the lesbian rate is going up in this country.” —Snooki
Instead of Snookin’ for love, we’d really like to see our little Nicole Polizzis Snookin’ for public office! Between these sentiments and her little spiel on the tanning booth tax from earlier this season, we feel she’s got the makings of a the kind of leader who truly understands the issues affecting our populus. She’ll be of presidential age come 2022, which gives her plenty of time to start preparing for the 2024 Elections.

Another week is in the books, peeps! Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments.

Until next week,
Juice Springsteen