Any reader who has accidentally swallowed a penny this afternoon is encouraged to read the story below, as you will be barfing it back up in no time. As she continues her cross-country tour of reality TV rehab facilities, Tiger Wood’s former mistress Rachel Uchitel has reportedly discovered new love. According his wife, erstwhile kidnap victim Jeremy London has been recently canoodling with the professional mistress, whom he denies dating but admits is an “amazing, intelligent and sensitive person.”
Now we all know what you’re thinking: “barf.” But maybe to Rachel Uchitel, Jeremy London isn’t just a washed-up celeb addicted to fame and probably also drugs. He is…he’s…well, we have no idea what else he might be. Fun to have at parties? Still living off his Party of Five money?
Which brings us to the larger question: how can Rachel Uchitel downgrade between the past men in her life to Jeremy London that hard, that fast, and not get some sort of sexual whiplash? As humiliating as the Tiger Woods scandal was for everyone involved, at least we understood the whole “attractive, multi-quadrillionaire sports star” thing. You just know they were doing it on an ostrich-feather bed with 900 count Egyptian cotton sheets. On Tiger’s private jet. While flying over Dubai. And rumored fling David Boreanz? Well, we’ve been known to watch a Bones marathon or two, and let’s just say it’s not for the acting.
So, what does Jeremy London have that makes him so appealing to someone who has experienced such luxury? That one gross news boy cap? London probably doesn’t really even have a house anymore; he just sleeps on a dog bed on Dr. Drew’s patio. Which leaves us with only one possible solution: Rachel Uchitel has such terrible taste in men she literally cannot see the difference between Jeremy London and…any other man. Can that possible be true? Again, has she seen that newsboy cap? We guess we begrudgingly give the couple our blessing, and hope these two crazy kids can find room in their busy televised-rehab and marriage-destroying careers to make this thing work. Now if you excuse us, we have to take one million showers.