MAD MEN RECAP: Master of Her Own Domain

|

This is a recap for the fifth episode of Season 4 of Mad Men starring Jon Hamm, Christina Hendricks, John Slattery, January Jones, and a slew of other talented actors, on an episode called “The Chrysanthemum and the Sword.” And here is your For Your Consideration Recap:

RIPPED RIGHT OUT OF AN AUTHENTIC 1965 HIGHLIGHTS FOR CHILDREN

Judging by Miss Blankenship’s crossword entries — Leaks, Glee, Burt, Cars, Dogs and soforth — people were reallllly dumb in 1965. Didn’t the producers think of consulting with a 13-year-old Will Shortz?



A DIFFERENT WORLD INDEED

She’s like an elderly Dwayne Wayne! (Click for comparison)



ROGER + GLASSES + GRANDDADDY ISSUES = ♡ ♡ ♡





I’M SORT OF FEELING SALLY’S MODERN DO

OK, Fess up time: How many of you cut your hair as a kid? I know I certainly did. I was about 13 years old, and thought I’d look good with a short, chin-length bob. (Ed. Note: I might have been 18. Kidding.) So I got to chopping. One half of my head was PERFECT. Then, I began cutting the other half. And with the first snip, chopped it off about an inch shorter than the other half of my head. My hair looked like the pants of Nitro from American Gladiator. (He’s the one with half-pants/half-shorts, right?) My parents, horrified, gave me the worst punishment of all… they took me to Supercuts. Coincidentally, I also enjoyed pleasuring myself to 1950′s B-movies as a child! (Untruth.)



AUDREY TAUTOU’S WORST FACE EVER

Also, should a woman with a football helmet made of hair have any right to judge another? In the words of star Quarterback and ladies hair expert Tom Brady, “Go long.”



HINT BRITISH COMEDY HAS NOT MADE ITS WAY ACROSS THE POND JUST YET


Pete’s Face.



SERIOUSLY? BENIHANA WAS A THING BACK THEN?

If this is true, can you IMAGINE how EXCITING it was when some guy caught a SHRIMP in his pocket?? We still squeal with delight about that kind of stuff to this day, and we have the internet now!!



UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

We truly cannot stand this girl. She’s a sliiiiightly better actress than Betty, which means she has all the talent of a flatlining sloth.



BACK THEN, CIGARETTES WERE BLACKBERRIES

Following Don’s exchange with advertising nemesis during dinner, he immediately reached into his blazer for a pack of ciggs. If this little moment had taken place today, he would have spent the remainder of the evening catching chicken pieces in his mouth while simultaneously e-mailing with Pete and Lane and ignoring his date. We yearn for these simpler times.



DO YOU KNOW THE RIVER OF SHIT DON WILL BE IN?

Why, yes, we’re pretty sure we know it very well… from that time we booked a one-way ticket to Zihuatanejo.



LOOK HOW SMART THAT BABY IS!

Is there a special division of Child Services to rescue children from being too WASPy and repressed?



WORST “WHAT NOT TO WEAR” REVEAL




BEST SLAP ACTING

You know Betty has had lots of practice given her three babies with Don…





ALSO, CAN A WOMAN WITH A 9-INCH LONG CROTCH SEAM JUDGE ANYONE’S STYLE?





THE JAPANESE ARE HERE!! ALSO THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING, WHERE THEY ARE, OR WHAT IS HAPPENING.

The fine men from Honda arrive to lay out the parameters for the contest: SCDP, along with a couple of other agencies, will vie for the Honda account by taking $3,000 and putting together a campaign presentation. When really, all SCDP needed to do was show the motorcycle zooming along the top of a hill and pan out to reveal it is driving on one of Joan’s breasts:





YOU GUYS, THEY REALLY WANT THAT PEN NECKLACE!

Indeed, how does she not fall over? That thing must weight like 20 pounds. The pen.



WORST GIFT EVER?

It’s a cantaloupe. A cantaloupe. I mean, we know these guys like melons, but are these things only available in America? Speaking of which…



R.I.P. YAKOV SMIRNOFF

p.s. He’s still alive.



IS ROGER SMOKING OR ABOUT TO HAND THEM A LIVE GRENADE?

See something, say something. Would not put it past him to blow the entire office up for his country.



FORGET THE GRENADE, NOW HIS HEAD IS SMOLDERING

“We don’t want any of your JAP CRAP!” Holy ess, is he mad. Also, when I was in elementary school, Jap Crap was usually bought at Sanrio Surprises… a Japanese Import. DOUBLE JAP MEANIN’ Y’ALL. Roger was smoldering in this scene… throughout the episode, really. I half expected to see him pull a Scanners right there in broad daylight.





CHRIST ON A CRACKER???





DON’T MIND IF I DO

Delicious and Godtricious.



MOST THOUGHT PROVOKING QUOTE

“How could that be? I’m the same people!” Roger has an interesting point here. Just because the war is over doesn’t mean the folks involved don’t harbor the same feelings. This is probably why, when my brother visited Germany in the late 90s, he refused to get up for any old people on the bus. His thinking was that they probably killed members of our family (he may have been right). Him and Roger would have made really great friends.



WHAT ON EARTH…

Sally went to a sleepover party. And while the other girls were asleep, she stayed awake on the couch watching some sort of weird.. well, I don’t really know what she was watching. Things seemed innocent enough. Until, wait, why does she look like that? Why… why is she touching her knee?? Wait a minute… is Sally.. God, no… is Sally…



MASTURBATING!?!?!?!?!?!???!???!!!!!

Well, if you ever wondered who was the one person who bought Eyes Wide Shut on DVD, meet Sally Draper. I have to tell you, watching this scene made me twice as uncomfortable as listening to Chris Hansen read aloud other people’s IM’s on To Catch a Predator.

I mean, OK, I guess the writers thought they had to do something really ~out there~ to convey that Sally was deeply disturbed and hurting thanks to her parents’ own relationship problems. And, to their credit, they definitely broke down some new television barriers. I’m pretty sure it’s the first time on television that a scene hinted at a pre-teen getting caught pleasuring herself. EVEN WRITING THAT LAST SENTENCE MADE ME FEEL LIKE A F*CKING CREEP. Matthew Weiner, whyyyyyy? Why even put this young actress through the humiliation of getting fake caught? Kiernan Shipka, they should create an honorary Emmy in your name.

Oh, and if you’re wondering why I’ve decided to write so much regarding this incident, it was mainly to make room for this Chris Hansen GIF, seen left.



BIGGEST HYPOCRITE

Betty Draper, who says, quote: “Don’t do those things. You don’t do them in private and you especially don’t do them in public.”



O RLY??

I swear, if I could have found a photo of that owl jacking off, I really would have included it. You don’t do those things, Betty? I believe there’s a certain fainting couch sitting in your living room that would beg to differ, right before it would beg to be incinerated.



“IT SAYS DON ON IT!”

Too early for a spin-off show? I would pretty much set my schedule around new episodes of “The Blankenships.”



NO POINT TO THIS PHOTO, IT JUST SEEMS RELAXING





MOST MISLEADING SENTENCE

“She was masturbating in front of a friend.” Now, technically, this is I guess true. But really, it’s not like there was a giant circle jerk going on. Her friends were asleep. Saying it was in FRONT of other kids makes this already creepy thing 1,000,000 times creepier. Poor Sally. The humiliations have not ceased this episode.



THANK GOD, DON HAS ONE TRUE FRIEND

This image took me 3 hours to make btw.


FINALLY, THE PERFECT MAN TO STAR IN MY FAT J.J. ABRAMS BIOPIC!

This plan is in place. SCDP will pretend to shoot a brand new ad, and the above man would go back to CGC and tell them of Draper’s major ad campaign. Then, CGC and their leader Ted Chaough would spend loads of money making their own commercial, while SCDP pays Peggy $8 to do this:

All while being guarded by a man that rivals Legolas in both “weighing the least” and “not being threatening at all”:

We trust that there are arrows in that sandwich…

Then! Don will approach the nice Japanese men from Honda and say (lips not matching the audio):

“You created this set of rules to even the playing field. It says specifically no finished work. I understand not everybody has observed this. I don’t really want to be part of a competition like that. So I’m withdrawing us.”



AND THEN THE JAPANESE MEN WERE ALL:





AND THE TRANSLATOR GUY WAS ALL:





AND SHE WAS ALL:

This is fake! Let’s f*ck.



AND JOAN AND ROGER WERE LIKE:

Wait, we’re so obvs in love. Let’s elope.

(out of breath…)

OK, that last thing didn’t happen, but it will one day, in the finale, in a flash forward, Six Feet Under style, believe us.



YOU KNOW WHAT WE LOVE THE MOST ABOUT MISS BLANKENSHIP??

She will never, NEVER, keep it down. “You know how they say never say never? I’m sayin’ never.” — Chris Rock.



YOU KNOW WHAT’S NOT UNSEEMLY?

Lane’s three-piece suit. It’s super seamly. (Scroll back up for “What a Country” pic.)



GLAD TO SEE SALLY’S REAL MOM TAKING HER TO THE CHILD PSYCHIATRIST





YOU KNOW THE ONLY HAT THAT WOULD BE MORE FIERCE THAN THIS CLASSY BOWLER?





DUH:

What did you think of this week’s episode, “The Chrysanthemum and the Sword”? Agree with my take in the above recap? Comments time!

Follow me on Twitter.

Follow BWEtv on Twitter.