Well, after weeks and weeks worth of build up, fans of Jersey Shore FINALLY got to witness the delivery of the “anonymous” note dogging out Captain Smush to Sammi
Boringheart Sweetheart. Sadly, the delivery turned out to be relatively anti-climactic — there were no bottles of Valtrex thrown around the apartment, nor were there shots of Sammi poking holes in Ron Ron’s condom stash with a bobby pin — but as we’ve come to expect with this season in M.I.A., the most intriguing parts of the evening came during the Coming Attractions for next week. Still, our fearless cast delivered a few lines worth remembering, which we have compiled for you in both video and text form. Enjoy!
10) “How about this, how about this? You two go in that room. I’ll go in that room and I will extract the hot one and leave the grenade to blow up in Ronnie’s room by herself … Bada bing, bada boom, we’re all good.” —The Situation
Forget Jeremy Renner, Tom Cruise should really consider casting The Situation as his protégé in Mission:Impossible 4. We haven’t seen a plan come together like this since George Peppard died! Also, how awesome is it that the boys (girls?) in the house have a specially designated “smash” room. I wonder if the condo they’re staying in has that as part of its real estate listing? “We’ve got 4,800 square feet, six bedrooms, four and a half baths, an open air patio with two jacuzzis and, of course, one smash room. Would you like me to draw up the papers?”
9) “I want the Varsity Blues when I get back.” —Captain Smush
Don’t we all, brother, don’t we all! Every night before we go to bed, we lie awake hoping and praying that Billy Bob will visit us in our dreams. That is what he meant, right?
8) “I’m hookin’ up with this girl, your girl’s girl, and her girlfriend’s girlfriend’s girlfriend. Somebody’s gotta do it.” —The Situation
Finally! Despite the fact that it’s been raining cats and dogs the entire team our beloved guidos and guidettes have been in Miami, the crew has been experiencing a sexual dry streak reminiscent of the Dust Bowl Era. Until this week, that is! We’re glad to see that the cast is finally cashing in on their celebrity, even if some of the ladies they brought home were slightly skankadocious.
7) “Tell him to Google it. It’s Gay Parade Week…End.” —J-Woww
Gay Pride, Gay Parade. Week, weekend. What’s the diff, really? All that matters is that Jenny and Nicole are embracing the rainbow. Bonus points to Shnickers for dumping Emilio because of his homophobic ways.
6) “I’m saying, like, you know, I got my GT on. So you have to come down and help me with the S now. You know what I’m saying? I can only GT for so long, I definitely need to get my S in.” —Ron Ron
So many awesome things about this quote. First, we love that the production folks behind Jersey Shore decided to label Ronnie’s phone-a-friend as “Ronnie’s Hometown Honey” in the chyron. Also, GTS? Does the “S” stand for sex? Smushing? Schlong? Also, considering the caliber of lady that Captain Smush has been hanging with lately, we’re pretty sure the phrase should’ve been GTSTD.
5) “Do whatever you gotta do, I’m not getting involved.” —J-Woww
This quote is destined to be honored by the Irony Hall Of Fame committee. “I’m not getting involved”? Coming from the person who typed up an anonymous note and shoved it in Sammi’s plastic nightstand? RICH!
4) “Yes, I took shots between some waitress’s breasts.” —Ron Ron
As much as we abhor his creeping ways, Drunk Ronnie has pretty much been the only reason to watch the show this season. Still, we wish he would’ve come clean with the exact same admission he gave to J-Woww back in Week 2: “I got wild last night. Threw in a 3-way kiss, I was onstage motorboatin’ the Jell-O shot girls.”
3) “There’s always like a process to breaking up with a guy. You need to get everything that reminds you of him out of your room. So, at this point, I’m done with the kid, I want nothing to do with him, I need to burn his pictures ASAP.” —Snooki
What a fascinating ritual! We especially admired the way the rest of Snooki’s housemates took vigil with her as she burned the snaps that her and Emilio took at “Sushi Samba, in the city.”
2) “Make up your mind, bro.” —Ron Ron
This quote, in and of itself, is fairly innocuous in nature. I mean, he’s said words to this effect on the show, what, a hundred times by now? However, the fact that he addressed Sammi Sweetheart — the love of his life! (ish) — as “bro” might be the worst offense that Ron Ron has committed all season long.
1) “I’m definitely not a saint. If I probably walk through church right now, I’d probably burst into flames.” —Ron Ron
Are you reading this, Alan Ball? Are you smelling what we’re smelling? Namely, a Jersey Shore meets True Blood spin-off series? It could be even more exciting than when The Fonz and Richie Cunningham used to go on double dates with Laverne and Shirley! Also, we love the fact that Ronnie thinks of himself as a human vampire. Wonder if he’s read The Informers by Bret Easton Ellis? Nah, what am I thinking. Of course he hasn’t!
What did we miss? As always, your comments are the wind beneath our wings. Hit us up!
Until next week,