Here it is, the night you’ve all been waiting for! No, sorry, it’s not the Oscars. Nope, not the Golden Globes, either. And eek, you still have a few more weeks of waiting left before the VMAs, too. Still, get pumped, for it’s that other very exciting awards night. The one where you get to see actors, actresses and reality show personalities you see on television every week, only this time around, they’re moderately better dressed. You know, the Emmys!
8:03pm: Glad you’re joining us! Our minds are feeling slightly mushy after spending the last hour listening to the lunatic ravings of Billy Bush. Although, we did sort of like it when he pressed Jon Hamm to make an honest woman out of Jessica Stein. The tension was palpable.
8:04pm: That nasty hag Nikki Finke proved to be quite the party pooper earlier this weekend when she totally spoiled the opening number (in the headline, no less). Still, the Jimmy Fallon Glee style rendition of “Born To Run” proved to be quite enjoyable and reliably star-studded. We bet Annie Leibovitz enjoyed this shot in particular. Her bank account could use a little padding, you know.
8:05pm: These two have nothing on Bruce and Clarence Clemons. Steve Perry, however, you may proceed with eating your heart out.
8:07pm: Dear Person Who Chose Chris Brown’s “Forever” As The Music For The Montage Of the Year’s Best Comedy?,
That was too soon.
8:13pm A lot of pundits predicted that this would be a big night for Modern Family and, BOOM!, a huge win for Eric Stonestreet as Best Supporting Actor, Comedy. How adorbs was it when his TV husband, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, started bawling in his seat?
8:21pm We have something to admit: We’re Comedy Nerds. No real shocker, right? Well, the Comedy Nerd inside of us just freaked out a lot by seeing 30 Rock writer Kay Cannon french America. Do you think this is a payback for her ex-husband, Jason Sudeikis, becoming a tabloid fixture with his new relationship with January Jones?
8:22pm: Another win for Modern Family! And, of course, for the I’m On The Horse Guy.
8:25pm: So proud of Jane Lynch, even IF her role on Party Down as Constance Carmell is superior to her Glee character of Sue Sylvester. So well-deserved, let’s hope she’s able to parlay this into a raise.
8:29pm: We haven’t really said much about Jimmy Fallon up to this point, have we? Well, he’s proving himself to be quite the strong host (after he caught his breath, that is). After strutting his music chops in the opener, he just kind of nailed a funny/geeky intro for presenters Lauren Graham and Chandler Bing. If Fallon can keep this up (and there’s no reason why he can’t), it seems as if the odds are strong that he’ll be tapped on the shoulder and asked to step up as host of the Oscars sometime in the next five years or so.
8:41pm: We just realized that we’re like 20 minutes behind already. So, with that in mind, congrats to Ryan Murphy (Glee) and the skinny nerdy guy from Big Bang Theory. Your wins were memorable to you, but probably not to us!
8:45pm: So, first big mystery of the night. What did Tina Fey just say into the camera? From our vantage point, it sure looked like she lip-synced “Assh*le #3.” Got any other suggestions? Leave them in the comment section below!
8:47pm: Say what you will about Showtime (like, for example, that its original content is generally accepted as being inferior to HBO’s), but man, they sure know how to lobby the Emmy people! Last year, Toni Collette won for The United States of Tara and then this year, Edie Falco won for Nurse Jackie. Although it sorta seemed like Falco was pissed that she was nominated as a comedic actress and not a dramatic one, didn’t it?
8:51pm: Hmmm, Top Chef as best reality show? After paying witness to the pun-laden debacle that has been the D.C. season thus far, we’re thinking their chances of being nominated next year are Fail To The Chief.
8:57pm: Why was that accountant limping?
9:02pm: Wow, B-List Mad Men revealed! Look, it’s Bert Cooper with hair! Look, it’s Sal! (How much do you miss Sal this season, btdubs?) And look in the row ahead of them, that’s Widmore! (From Lost!) Oh, and yes, Mad Men just won for Best Writing in a Dramatic Series.
9:11pm Congratulations, Archie Panjabi! You officially broke the streak of Actors That We Have Actually Heard Of winning an Emmy tonight. Nothing against The Good Wife, of course, but it just never made it onto our DVRs. We thought that Christina Hendricks had it in the bag (and, from the look on her face, so did she).
9:13pm We are ashamed to admit that we have yet to see a single episode of Breaking Bad. Cut us some slack, though, as we are still working our way through The Wire. As soon as we catch up on that, it’s Breaking Bad time. Wonder how jealls Frankie Muniz is that his former TV dad is now regarded as the Best Actor on television two years running?
9:21pm: A 69 year-old Ann-Margaret looks better than a 24 year-old Lindsay Lohan. #indisputabletruth
9:25pm: Again, we have to compliment Jimmy Fallon’s writing team for knocking this hosting gig out of the park. His consecutive impersonations of Elton John, Boyz II Men and Billie Joe Armstrong were all top notch. In particular, that chorus for the Lost (“I didn’t understand it but I tried”) was perfecto.
9:34pm: Kyra Sedgwick has old lady mouth, right? It’s not just us?
9:44pm: We think @grahamorama said it best: “The Tonys just won an Emmy. Can’t wait til the Grammys win an Oscar.”
9:50pm: What a coincidence! Our porn name is Bucky Gunts!
9:53pm: This guy is happy to have a beer! So what if he’s just a seat-filler?
9:53pm: This free beer give away just took an awkward turn when recovering alcoholic Chandler Bing had to turn a brewski down. Whoops!
10:09pm: First reaction — Julia Ormond is still alive! Second reaction — After she sees how bad her ratty extensions look on television, she’ll wish she never re-emerged from obscurity. And really, was that slam on Catherine O’Hara really necessary? What a weird beef to instigate.
10:21pm: It’s the Death Montage! Poor Boner. Also, poor us for having to put up with Jewel’s snaggletoothed caterwauling. And those of you who had David L. Wolper as the anchor in your Emmy Death Montage pool just won some mad stacks.
10:28pm: It’s 10:28pm and we’re kind of wishing we were watching Mad Men right now. But just like that, things changed when they cut to Dr. Jack Kevorkian! If only there were an Emmy for Best Murderer, you’d win in a landslide. (In either a comedic or dramatic role.)
10:33pm: Like, for serious, Temple Grandin — the lady, not the movie — is the evening’s MVP so far. Even though we saw a clip of Snooki earlier tonight, I think we’d all agree that the Emmys could use more fist pumping. You go … or something.
10:40pm: Al Pacino’s poufy old man mullet seems more cogent than Al Pacino, the person. What a weird, wild, wandering speech. Maybe at the next awards show he attends he’ll remember to put a note card or two into his pocket.
10:45pm: Who’s gonna take Temple Grandin home tonight? We vote for Jack Kevorkian. They both look like they could use a little lovin’…
10:48pm: Tom Hanks is looking more and more like Al Gore every day. Props for describing your crew as “bodacious”, though. For serious!
10:51pm: After an endless slog of miniseries awards, we’re immediately rushed into the Best Drama award, which is brought to you by the Best Mustache Ever Grown. Yet another win for Mad Men, accepted by the increasingly irritating Matthew Weiner. What we’re really wondering, though, is whether Joan’s cleavage or Betty’s legs would win in a fight.
10:58pm: Tina Fey’s days as an Emmy darling are officially over after the huge night that Modern Family had tonight. But hey, at least the show ended on time! See you next year…