Heidi Montag’s Breast Implants Need A Lot Of Attention (And Of Course, So Does She)

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According to her Twitter, Heidi Montag’s breast implants require a lot of attention, and no, we don’t mean the kind Heidi is willing to fake a divorce for. Tweets Montag, “Giving my self a soft tissue breast massage. Ladies we have to keep those implants soft.” When prescribed by a doctor, massage can help prevent breast implants from forming scar tissue, which would cause to feel unnaturally hard. O, sexy stuff! Now we wish they were releasing Heidi’s sex tape with Karissa Shannon (ah, just kidding, we still don’t).

In addition to her implants, Heidi tweeted about her cosmetic ear surgery, saying “Warning: to anyone who is thinking about getting their ears pinned, I learned after the fact it is the most painful surgery a person can get”. See, this is where we turn into our mom and say, “Just grow your hair over your ears! You don’t need surgery. Honestly, no one else notices it but you. Or just put on a hat. Are you listening to me? You look good in hats. What about that little hat your aunt gave you for your birthday? Don’t put this on the Twitter, I’m serious.” Man, that reminds us, we really need to call her. And we will, right after we get done massaging away this scar tissue…