MAD MEN RECAP: It’s Draper vs. Olson, Round 3

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This is a recap for the seventh episode of Season 4 of Mad Men starring Jon Hamm, Christina Hendricks, John Slattery, January Jones, and a slew of other talented actors, on an episode called “The Suitcase.” And here is your For Your Consideration Recap:

IF “COMING TO AMERICA” HAD STARRED WHITE PEOPLE, IT WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE THIS:

Are you guys ready for the most racist Mad Men episode yet? It’s a good thing Matthew “Hebrew National” Weiner wrote this episode or I would be drafting a lengthy BBM to the Anti-Defamation League about how of COURSE the new shifty-eyed short guy is “such a Jew.” In other news, my Celebrity Math in last week’s recap was totally off. Danny = Jon Lovitz. There really isn’t any math involved at all.

And if you have no idea what scene we’re referring to, learn Hungarian and click here.



MEET IDA BLANKENSHIP, HILARIOUS LADY OH WAIT SHE’S RACIST

“If I wanted to see two negroes fight, I’d throw a dollar bill out my window.” We’re exactly two minutes into this episode, and already there have been two racist atomic bombs dropped in the offices of Sterling Cooper. Pretty sure I sat down to watch the new Mad Men and not the sequel to Crash (GOD FORBID).



AS THOUGH HE WASN’T ALREADY ADORABLE, LET’S GIVE HIM A FOOTBALL AND HAVE HIM PLAY JOE NAMATH

Ughhhhh we love him. Look at that still. It’s like Norman Rockwell porn! Could it get any better? Yes:



HOL’ UP: IS THIS WHAT HAPPENED TO WES BENTLEY?

The resemblance is striking. And when I look at him… Screencaps are a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember… and I need to remember… Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.



THE KING IS NOT PLEASED

So Peggy and her crew, dejected, take their pointy felt hats elsewhere to try and brainstorm a new Samsonite campaign.



SWEETEST BOYFRIEND BIRTHDAY SURPRISE

A bouquet of flowers at work. That is so sweet. Peggy should get on the phone and thank him for being the best boyfriend ev–



“MYELLOOOO?”

The flowers were sent by Duck. DUCK! And not just Duck, but Drunk Duck. He really does have a whiskey d*ck for that gal, don’t he?



SLICKEST GIFT

Future Business Cards. I wish I could find a man to send me 500 free Vista Prints… Though, in all fairness, he really outdid himself with that Hermes scarf a couple of years ago.



“TAMPAX: THEY’RE REALLY UP THERE!”

Duck came up with a genius Tampax campaign without even knowing it. I mean, they are seriously up there. And good lord, I had no idea Tampax makes up 50 percent of the market share!! Do you know how my p-blood that could absorb?



A SHINING ELEVATOR FULL OF BLOOD’S WORTH!

CLIO Worthy!



“YOU BEEN FARTING IN HERE?: THE PEGGY OLSEN STORY”

If the racism wasn’t enough to make you cringe, prepare for the most slapstick, gross-out toilet humor television hour since the 1993 Salute Your Shorts Summer Special. Side note: A Don Draper Awful Waffle is our new unrealized fetish. Speaking of which…



BEST WORST IMAGERY

Miss Blankenship to Don: “You gotta call while you were on the toilet.” Don… on the… toilet? No… No… Actually, you know what, I bet you he’s still fully dapper and gentlemanly while on the bowl. It would probably look something like this:





SO WHAT DID THE MESSAGE SAY?

Pretty much.



MOST UNLIKELY PAIRING

Two women impregnated by Pete Campbell: Peggy and his wife Trudy, who chatted it up in the bathroom despite the fact that Trudy was wearing a giant Carvel Ice Cream Cake Whale.



WTF GIF THAT SUMS UP PETE’S REACTION

Watching the panic set in over and over again does not get any less entertaining.



QUOTE MOST LIKELY TO HAVE ALSO BEEN UTTERED BY BRUCE VILANCH

“I want a rare steak and I want to see those two men pound each other.” — Trudy/All Gay Bears



“MMMMMY-OINK?”

Peggy had to break the news to her boyfriend Mark that she wasn’t going to be on time to her birthday dinner.



MEANWHILE, PEGGY’S FAMILY

Diiiiiiidn’t really care.



UNSYMPATHETICIEST

“Oh, it’s your birthday? Well boo-f*cking-hoo Peggy. THERE ARE SUITCASES THAT MUST BE SOLD. Want me to dial Whine-1-1?? Because your F*CKING RIDE IS HERE!!!!”





PEGGY ET MARK: SONT MORTS

The beautiful budding romance between Peggy and her boyfriend Mark has come to an end. Peggy chose work over dining with him, her roommate, and her assy family. That’s a dealbreaker, ladies.



ON THE BRIGHT SIDE!

Pretty sure Mark already has a new girlfriend… Peggy’s roommate.



DON CRANKS IT UP TO “TERRIFYING”

Peggy’s birthday? Breaking up with her boyfriend? Sympathy? From Don? Um, no. This is the same man who saw his father die after he got kicked in the face by a horse.



THE TWO PEOPLE PEGGY SHOULD THANK EVERY MORNING, IN ONE CONVENIENT IMAGE

That’s Don Draper and Jesus (Left, right? Left.) Even Jesus is like “Get out of here while you can, Peg.” Seriously, look at his face. That, or he just realized he forgot to DVR “Dating in the Dark.”



MEET YOUR EMMY WINNING SCENE

The acting in this episode was top notch, but special credit has to be given to to Elisabeth Moss for her incredible ability and naturalness. (Word? Sure.) This crying scene in particular? It was so good, in fact, that this time Don called up the

WHAMBULANCE

Because everything she wants is everything she needs.



ROGER… AND MISS BLANKENSHIP?!

As my friend and radio superstar Derek Hartley postulated merely weeks ago, Roger Sterling put it in Miss Blankenship. She was a hellcat!! You know, under that blue hair and those hideous glasses, I could see it being true. Don better stop it with the drink or next thing you know, we’ll be treated to the most unappetizing Mad Men sex scene since Bert Cooper got his balls chopped off.



WE DARE YOU TO GOOGLE IMAGE ORCHIECTOMY

This is about as much as we can reveal of our eye-plucking findings. In a related story, I will also never eat orecchiette again.



QUOTE THAT MADE US REALIZE HOW THE ENTIRE SERIES WILL END

“You know what, there’s a way out of this room we don’t know about.” Could it be that Don is foreshadowing his own death/the end of the series?



FALLING OUT OF HIS WINDOW?

It would kind of be perfect.



THE MOST EXCITING THING ABOUT A SUITCASE

Is obviously waiting for it at the baggage carousel. A little unspoken competition between you and all the other passengers on your airplane to see who can get out of the airport fastest. A reunion, a belongings reunion, where all of your things are conveniently conveyor belted to your very feet, where sometimes Herculean strength is needed to reclaim what is rightfully yours. Feeling proud when you see your pricey gear laying next to various battered black lugagge who act as hammocks for cats when not being used. Yes, I do believe the baggage carousel is not only the most exciting thing about a suitcase, but, in fact, our lives.



“LET’S GO SOMEWHERE DARKER”

And less cockroach-doggy.



NO OFFENSE TO YOU LADYBUG DOG

“None taken.”



THINGS THAT MIGHT BE CONSIDERED INAPPROPRIATE AT OTHER WORKPLACES

“You’re cute as hell,” Don tells Peggy, while they both numb the inner bruises on their soul with liquor. Good thing Don also wrote SCDP’s Sexual Harassment Policy, where you get fired if you don’t sleep with your secretaries enough. With all this talk between Peggy and Don and their apparent bonding, I started to wonder… was Don going to sleep with Peggy tonight?



OBVS NO





ALL WOMEN REALLY DO MAKE THIS FACE IN A MEN’S ROOM





THEN, DUCK TOOK A DUMP IN STANLEY KUBRICK’S TOILET

Look away, Chauncey.



MEET THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL OF TONIGHT’S FABULOUS SOUND EFFECTS

Composer of my favorite song.



YOU KNOW, DUCK’S NOT THE WORST LOOKING GUY

Just saying… in this light… with his pants around his ankles… I bet he was a handsome youngster. Sincerely, Sociopath. Don vs. Duck wasn’t so much a battle of wits as it was a battle of sh*ts. In their drunken hazes, they used Peggy’s loyalty as the impetus to get into a hilarious flail festival where neither of them landed a single punch.



HE EVEN BROUGHT PEGGY NEW BUSINESS CARDS!

The XXX Address all the more apropos.



WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THIS BEFORE?





OH RIGHT.





MEET THE NEWEST CHARACTER ON MAD MEN, PUKEY

Aww, he’s sort of cute. For a Jew Bastard. (Running with the theme here, people, relax. — Me, a Jew.)



AT ONCE THE SADDEST AND SWEETEST IMAGE EVER

They’re kind of a great dysfunctional match, Don and Peggy. Obsessive, stubborn, with giant bone skeletons haunting their closets. It is somehow the most hopeful thing I’ve seen on television all decade.



THEY HAD TO RUIN IT, DIDN’T THEY?

Glad to see the same technology that went into making the 1993 classic Heart and Souls is back and shmaltzier than ever.



HE EVEN CRIES MANLY

Seeing Don cry is like seeing your father cry. It goes against every natural human fiber in your soul, and you know that when it happens, sh*t is f*cked. Unless your father is like mine, and cries at the end of every movie/when you read your college application essays out loud, in which case it is business as yoozh. Extra credit to Jon Hamm for being so incredibly natural.



WORST WALK OF SHAME EVER

To the elevator and back, on top of which she didn’t even have sex with anyone. And between all the drinking and empty hallways, “The Suitcase” played like the perfect middle to 28 Days and 28 Days Later.



DO WE SMELL SAME LEVELNESS?

All season Don has been an outright prick to Peggy. But now that their ~bonding~ sesh has taken them to the next level, it looks like all of their demons have been aired out.



AWW

There’s really only one thing we can say: ljalklsfkjalskdjlaksalkgt. So, is Don perhaps going to start taking it easy with the drinking? Kind of sounds like it, no? There was an exorcism in the offices of SCDP.



“OPEN OR CLOSED?” — PEGGY





“OPEN,” SAYS DON





WE THINK HE MEANT THE DOOR TO HIS HEART

What did you guys think of the episode? Disagree with any of my above assessments? There’s a comments section, friends, get in there.

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