After a triumphant, transcendant, and tranny-free episode of Jersey Shore aired on Thursday night — some say the best episode of the show’s relatively lackluster second season — we found ourselves once again watching our fair guidos stumbling in their attempts to conquer M.I.A. last night. With the exception of Angelina and DJ Pauly D, everyone seems to be down on their luck: After failing to convert in the bedroom, The Situation was left in the unenviable position of eating an early morning egg sandwich while watching Pauly D romp in the sack not five feet away from him; Snooki got bonked in the schnozz with an errant volleyball; the Vin Man got stood up; Sammi Sweetheart, Ron Ron and J-WOWW barely left their bedrooms. Fortunately, Vinny’s Uncle Nino showed up on the scene to contribute some My Blue Heaven-esque nyuk nyuk moments, so all was not lost. So, fellow juiceheads, please follow along as we count down this week’s Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown.
10) “That looks like a really creepy scene right now.” —Ron Ron
Creepy? We see nothing creepy about it. Nope, nothing at all. Not an ounce of creepiness. OHHHHHHHHHHH!
9) “I went to the doctor. He said, ‘Stop drinkin’, stop doin’ drugs, stop havin sex.’ You know what i did? I switched f*ckin doctors.” —Uncle Nino
Ohhh! Bada bing! OHHHHHHHHHHH! Sure, this joke might’ve been taken out of the Rodney Dangerfield “No Respect” playbook, but we’re just glad he didn’t punctuate it by bellowing, “Take my wife, please!”
8) “I can’t believe your chick bounced. Did you try to put it in her butt or somethin’? Why did she leave?” —Pauly D
Was it just us or was Sitch acting really date-rapey last night? Even his wingman described his behavior as being “super obnoxiously aggressive.” Dial it down a notch, Sorrentino, and be sure to lay off J-WOWW’s stash of horny goat weed the next time you hit Tantra. Play it like Pauly D — you know, the “sweet, smooth, cool nice guy stuff” — and things will go much better for you.
7) “Gelato!” —DJ Pauly D
Pauly is, without a doubt, the most positive person in South Beach. The sheer glee that he exhibits in his everyday life is make even life’s most mundane tasks and accomplishments — CABS ARE HERE! — seem as exciting as winning the lottery.
6) “I thought I was going to be smashing for a little bit. What the hell, now i gotta go smash myself.” —The Situation (35 mins)
As the old saying goes, when life gives you lemons, you make yourself an egg sandwich, crawl into bed, watch your roommate make out and then masturbate. Then make lemonade.
5) “You were gonna buy the kid a birthday gift. A Happy Birthday, ‘I banged my f*cking roommate.’ Ohhhhh!”
“Happy Birthday present, Angelina! Remind me not to get you somethin’.” —The Situation and DJ Pauly D
This one even got J-WOWW cracking up. Funny as it may be, the truth of the matter is that Angelina “Jolie”, aka the Staten Island Dump, is the most prolific playa in the house at the moment. And that says a lot about the overall quality of this season of Jersey Shore so far, doesn’t it?
4) “You never wanna have no chicks, so the best thing to do is, um, line up a bunch of chicks.” —DJ Pauly D
Pauly D is nothing if not ruthless in his efficiency with words.
3) “Vin, you’re my love. My heart, my blood, my love. Be careful. Make sure you do what gotta do with these young ladies. Do as many as you can. Don’t forget. Do a couple of extra ones for your Uncle Nino.” —Uncle Nino
Nino is the least intelligible (most unintelligible?) “Uncle” to appear on television since Don Vito on Jackass. Let’s just hope for Uncle Nino’s sake that he doesn’t end up becoming a convicted sex offender like Don Vito.
2) “You have proven an equation that people have been trying to solve for hundreds of years: That when you are nice to a girl, you take her on four dates, you snuggle with a girl, you buy her gifts, she will, she will NOT call you, she will play you the f*ck out, and then she will f*ck somebody three days later, somebody that she hates … Angelina has proven the Ho Equation.” —The Situation
It’s been a long time since we took an advanced mathematics class, so forgive us for this question: Did Angelina’s sluttastic behavior prove the Ho Equation or the Ho Theorem? We’re fairly certain that, like Pythogoras before him, the Sitch just penned a theorem, but we have been wrong before. Either way, after observing the Staten Island Dump’s behavior this season, we have arrived at this formula for the Ho Equation/Theorem:
If “(Dollar Value of Gifts Purchased X Number Of Times Spent Snuggling Without Sexual Activity) ÷ Number Of Dates > Total Number Of Days Couple Have Known Each Other”, then your woman is going to cheat on you.
Plain and simple!
1) “I don’t give a fuck. You had my sloppy seconds, good for you. And obviously, you’re a loosey goose, ‘cuz he got it in.” —Snooki
Snap! We already know that Vinnie has a dong the size of a watermelon, but that’s not the surprising part of this quote from our gal Schnickers. This quote intimates that Snook did NOT let Vin “get it in” in her “pin hole” in the first place. Or did we miss something? Either way, the important takeaway here is that Snooks slandered Angelina’s wizard sleeve on television. And that, dear friends, is why we love this show so!