MAD MEN RECAP: 99 Problems But a Bitch Ain’t One

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This is a recap for the ninth episode of Season 4 of Mad Men starring Jon Hamm, Christina Hendricks, John Slattery, January Jones, and a slew of other talented actors, on an episode called “The Beautiful Girls.” There was no recap last week as I had just moved to Los Angeles and was busy putting my “life” “together.” So, without further ado and with thanks for your patience, here is your For Your Consideration Recap:

THE ONLY REASON TO LEAVE AN ORANGE SODA AND TURKEY WRAP BEHIND….

…Is getting a little Dick Whitman. And while the tasteful people behind Mad Men refrained from showing us the sweaty, wild animal sex Don and Dr. Faye Miller were having, they did give us this fabulous little moment that was begging to be GIFted:





DON’S CHEST HAIR LOOKS AWFULLY FAMILIAR…





BECAUSE IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE E.T.

Only, in this scenario, E.T. phone ho.



WHISKEY DOES A BODY GOOD

Almost all alcoholics in TV and film have great bodies. Draper’s never looked better. Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis) in There Will Be Blood was stringy and ripped as hell. Paul Giamatti in Sideways anyone? More like everyone.



MOST REBUFFED ADVANCE

The chemistry between Roger and Joan is undeniable, but perhaps his timing could have been slightly better, given that Joan’s rapey husb has just left for Vietnam. On the bright side, Roger’s secretary is still throwing herself at him on the daily.



HUHHHH WHADDYA THINK?





SHE’S NO BLANKENSHIP, BUT SHE’LL DO

And speak of the devil…



BIGGEST AVATAR 3-D FAN

Ever wonder what kind of people steal those IMAX 3-D glasses? Blankenship kind of people, that’s who. Thankful for us, she looks stunning in them.



“IT’S A BUSINESS OF SADISTS AND MASOCHISTS, AND YOU KNOW WHICH ONE YOU ARE.”





LESBIAN RATINGS FAIL

Usually, a woman licking another woman’s cheek would be a basic cable ratings boon. Unless one of those women looks like an actual, real life lesbian named Joyce, in which case it’s jizzness as usual.



MOST SIMPSONIZED REAL LIFE PERSON



Abe Drexler
, revolutionary, who pops up at the bar during Peggy and Joyce’s lady date.



THEIR IMPROMPTU DATE IS GOING REALLY WELL!

Abe really loves talking about politics!



UNTIL IT WASN’T

Abe really loves talking about politics. Wet uhhh-ragggg-uh.



FILLMORE AUTO PARTS IS RACIST BLAH BLAH BLAH WOMEN’S PROBLEMS BLAH BLAH BLAH

This guy was two sound effects from getting Charlie Brown Teacherized. The guy who owns Fillmore Auto Parts isn’t racist!



MEET THE GUY WHO OWNS FILLMORE AUTO PARTS

OK, maybe he’s just a little racist.



SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY JOAN-EANE GAROFALO





ONE OF THESE WOMEN HAVE DEFINITELY J’D ROGER OFF

Hint: It’s the woman on the left.



WE JUST WANNA TAKE A SECOND TO EXPRESS TO MATTHEW WEINER AND COMPANY HOW HAPPY WE ARE TO SEE MISS BLANKENSHIP’S SHINING FACE WEEK IN, WEEK OUT, ON OUR FLAT SCREENS, EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS A SKEWED VIEW OF HOW MUCH CHILDREN SHOULD WEIGH

She is our singular television delight.



MARGOT TENENBAUMIEST

Sally Draper (played by Kiernan Shipka) has transformed over the past season into a beautiful young lady, reminiscent of one of our favorite fictional characters ever, Margot Tenenbaum. And already, at this tender young age, she’s rebelling: Running away from home, getting on the train, and looking for the ultimate escape by staying with her father full time. Our heart aches for her. That being said, we give it two more seasons before she is secretly chain smoking and sleeping with Glenn.



“HEY, YOUR DAUGHTER RAN AWAY FROM HOME AND CAME TO NEW YORK CITY.”





INSERT SOUND OF BLOOD BEING DRAWN FROM A STONE

If all January Jones’ are bad actresses, and some Wasps are January Jones’, then some bad actresses get really lucky breaks by being on one of the best hour long dramas ever. Yes, before you ask, I went to college.



LOOKS LIKE IT’S TIME FOR A LITTLE DADDY DAY CARE

Cheap excuse for me to post this Photoshop that took nearly minutes to make.



AW, HE GOT HER TOILET PAPER WITH SOME WORDS PRINTED ON IT!

“You shouldn’t have.”



“I WOULD LIYEEK TO CAWUHL THIS MEETINGUH TO OOWADER”

This seen sponsored by the various races seen on the bus in Speed. When the Fillmore head guy commented that an idea was “a little carnie,” for a brief moment I imagined a circus midget shilling for auto parts on television. For this, I am very upset.



MISS BLANKENSHIP?

Aww, isn’t that cute?? She’s napping.



MISS BLANKENSHIP??!?!?!?!





WHAT?



NO.

First of all, I would like to say that I CALLED THIS back on August 31, when I compared Miss Blankenship to our other favorite dead woman, the babysistter in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead:

AND NOW SHE IS DEAD. SHE’S DEAD. There is only one thing to say.

Indeed, the dishes are finally done, man.



STILL, IT’S BUSINESS AS USUAL

I’d even be OK with them leaving Ida’s corpse outside Don’s office for the rest of the season, just so she can be remembered.



WEEKEND AT BLANKENSHIPS

Oh, the hilarious high jinx this show is throwing to the wayside by getting rid of the body!!! Somewhere, Bernie Lomax and Ida are hilariously high fiving courtesy of our favorite life puppeteer, Jonathan Silverman. (Andrew McCarthy won’t return our calls.) Wave goodbye to the best part of the season, America.



MEANWHILE, ROGER AND JOAN GO ON A ROMANTIC STROLL





UNTIL THIS GUY SHOWS UP

Hey look! Mad Men has finally cast a black person! Wait a second… oh, he’s robbing them. Soo…. bye.



HOLD ON A MINUTE: THIS GUY LOOKS FAMILIAR

Willy Lopez? 303 Prospect Place Willy Lopez? That’s my neighborhood… I swear, my Ghost musical will one day become a reality.



JOAN IS RIGHTFULLY TERRIFIED…

So Roger pushes her into a dark alley to calm her down.



SADLY, IT TOOK A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE TO REALIZE WHAT THEY REALLY WANTED… EACH OTHER





AND A QUICK EFF

Well, technically both their wedding bands were stolen. That was considered divorce in the 1960s, right?



SALLY HOMEMAKER

Isn’t that sweet! Sally made her Dad some french toast. And just the way he likes it!



THAT’S NOT MRS. BUTTERWORTH, THAT’S MR. RUMSFELD

Soaked in alcohol.



MISS BLANKENSHIP’S OBITUARY, REVEALED

Miss Blankenship had made the rounds at SCDP before her death, and it was up to her former lover Bert Cooper (they slept together, right?) to put together her obituary. Sadly, her one true love was too overcome with emotion to put anything together. Save for perhaps the most genius line of the episode.



TERRIFYING SALLY STILL BROUGHT TO YOU COURTESY OF HORRIBLE MOTHERING

Sally’s interoffice tantrum at the thought of going back to her mother was worth of a Baby Emmy Award, something we wish existed. She is out of control, and Don, her idol, has no idea how to handle it. So, he does what we all would have done:



TURNS TO A WOMAN HE BARELY KNOWS TO TRY AND TALK HER INTO HELPING

Which she does…



“HI, I’M YOUR NEW MOMMY! YOU CAN CALL ME DR. MOM. NOW IF YOU WOUDLN’T MIND FILLING OUT THIS QUICK SURVEY…”





SADLY, SALLY HAS A NEW “NO MORE BLOND BITCHES” POLICY





YOU KNOW WHAT THIS CALLS FOR?

The Supernanny. Maybe the one woman on Earth who could truly make a difference, if only because Don would never sleep with her.



SALLY TRIES TO ESCAPE HER HORRIBLE PARENTING ON FOOT





BUT FORGOT HER FACE HAD A 5 PM APPOINTMENT WITH THE FLOOR





REALLY, MEGHAN THE SECRETARY SHOULD JUST ADOPT THIS GIRL

We have a feeling that Meghan will be playing a much more important part on the show in the coming episodes. She’s basically the only normal person left.



THANKFULLY HER MOTHER, S1M0NE, IS THERE TO PICK HER UP





ALBEIT, IN FRONT OF A JUDGING COMMITTEE

Judge Judy would have Betty’s ass thrown into jail. And not Martha Stewart jail, either. Tossed salad jail.



AND SO, JOYCE GOES DOWN IN HER OWN LADY ELEVATOR





WHILE THESE THREE WOMEN LEAVE IN THEIR OWN CAR, ALL WITH ONE THING IN COMMON

They’ve got 99 problems, and a bitch ain’t one.

What did you guys think of the episode? Disagree with any of my above assessments? There’s a comments section, friends, get in there.

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