This is a recap for the tenth episode of Season 4 of Mad Men starring Jon Hamm, Christina Hendricks, John Slattery, January Jones, John Slattery and a slew of other talented actors, on an episode called “Hands and Knees.” And now, here is your long-awaited For Your Consideration Recap:
SHE’S PREGNANT… WITH TWINS
By the looks of it, about 14 months pregnant. Oh wait, those aren’t baby bumps… that’s her award-winning rack! Oh, Joan, you have fooled us once again you minx. Can you imagine Joan breastfeeding? It would probably look something like this. i.e. Sexxxy!
OH SEW NATURAL
Betty, without makeup, early in the morning, sewing? Were times so tough they had to fire Carla? Unless Betty is finally sewing a long rope out of flat sheets with which to climb out of the second floor window and escape her painfully oppressed existence… yeah, like she would ruin a flat sheet.
AND NOW, A REENACTMENT OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I RECEIVED A CALL FROM DON DRAPER ABOUT ANYTHING:
“Michelle? It’s Don Draper.”
Just take it from Don Draper’s School of Kind-of-Around Parenting: Money can heal all wounds, even those inflicted on an underaged public masturbator with serious Daddy issues. Sally is now equipped with two tickets to see The Beatles, courtesy of the hottest un-dad around.
MEANWHILE, LANE GETS READY FOR YET ANOTHER NAMBLA MEETING
He just wants someone to play cricket with, that’s all.
BUT INSTEAD, FINDS THE GRIM REAPER IN A ZOOT SUIT WAITING FOR HIM AT RECEPTION
Oh sh*t, son, Lane Pryce’s dad is in town. You know those ol’ British men don’t play, right? Sr. Pryce, who took time out of being a 1965 Bond villain to greet his son, has a message: Come back to England and take care of your family.
“BUT… YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE YOUR MYSPACE PROFILE PICTCHAH.”
OK, the joke is done now. But really, how uncomfortable did Mickey look through this entire thing?
AND NOW, A LOOK AT WHAT ROMANCE NOVELS IN IRAN LOOK LIKE
The parts that are visible usually have to do with sensual stonings of one of your wives.
NEVER FORGET: MISS BLANKENSHIP
The one thing I couldn’t shake out of my mind during the North American Aviation meeting with Don and Pete? Watching Miss Blankenship’s cold and lifeless corpse be wheeled out of the offices in last week’s episode. She is a legend, a saint.
“FATHER, YOU MIGHT WANT TO STOP GRIPPING YOUR CANE.”
Oh the wild and crazy 60s!! Where classy guys go and drink and be men at the Playboy Club. Lane’s father, it should be noted, is having a mild stroke in the above photo. And yes, that’s a m-bating double entendre y’all.
THE BOWTIES MEAN IT’S KLASSY
I’m almost kinda being serious.
LANE PRYCE: DOWN WITH THE SWIRL
Ohhhh gurrrrl I know you are not even flirtin with that old British man Lane Pryce!! On second though, he’s rich, British, and loves you to pieces. Great, now I’m imagining Lane doing a spoken word interpretation of “Jungle Fever”… it would probably go something… like this:
IS THIS REALITY, OR JUST ANOTHER BETTY THREESOME DREAM SEQUENCE
You know she loves blazers. She loves blazers so much, she wants to get blazik eye surgery. She loves blazers so much, she sets her phasers to blazer. She loves blazers so much, she dresses like Jacket O’Nassis. Sorry, there are only so many things that rhyme with “blazer.
THIS SHOULD GO WELL
So the defense department is interrogating Betty about Don’s past? If she’s twice as good of an actress with them as she is on the show, Don should be going to prison any minute now.
“MEGHAN, DID WE JUST HAPPEN TO SUBMIT ANY FORMS WHICH GIVE THE GOVERNMENT THE RIGHT TO DISSECT MY LIFE PIECE BY PIECE?”
“Why do you have to be so damn dashing?” She’s actually right: This season, for us at least, Lane is by far the most dashing of all the SCDP employees. He loves this girl and wants to make her a part of his life, racism be damned. Other thoughts we had during this scene? This should turn out well.
THE ONE THING THAT HAS NOT GONE UP IN PRICE: ABORTIONS
$400 for an abortion in the 1960s? Why, for that money you could buy a used Edsel and raise your baby in the trunk. I guess there’s no such thing as inflation when you’re talking about getting rid of an unformed mass of human cells. (Politics!!)
THE ONE THING THAT HAS GONE UP IN PRYCE
Lane’s father’s cane.
POSTERCHILD FOR THE SH*T EATING GRIN ASSOCIATION CLUB
Why take the bus all the way to Morristown, New Jersey, when a simpler approach to baby killing is sitting right in front of you! That’s right, with new “Abortion in a Glass,” you can just drink and smoke your way down to an empty womb. And if you call now, we’ll throw in a special “Punch to the Gut” for free! Just pay shipping and man-handling.
THING WE HOPE TO NEVER SEE IN PERSON
Jon Hamm telling us to wait for the next elevator. < / 3 Then again, we also don't want to see Don turn Pete into a professional eunich, as he did in this very same elevator. The feds are on to Don's lies, and it's up to the Waspiest human being to ever grace the small screen to clear it all up.
Glad the show includes black people and Jews now and again. Between Lane’s girlfriend and this slightly stereotypical Jewish accountant (our eyelids actually do make cash register sounds when we blink), this episode read like the casting call for the people on the bus in Speed.
This girl was just ASKING to get pregnant in that come hither plaid knee-length dress. ASKING FOR IT!!
MUCH LIKE A FETUS, WHAT HAPPENS IN THE ABORTION CLINIC, STAYS IN THE ABORTION CLINIC
This woman needs to chillax.
JOAN HAS A 15-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER?
Damn, girl, how long has that baby been up there?
LEE GARNER JR. KINDA SUCKS (NO HOMO)
Oh, look, the reason that one of our favorite characters got fired (Sal, RIP) is back and dining with Roger Sterling. But what’s this? Oh God, he wants to take the Lucky Strike account away from SCDP! Do you know what this means, people? It means that there is a slight to likely possibility that… SAL is going to come back! (Totally homo!!) And thank God, this season has been so not-dancey-enough.
MOST REALISTIC BURP
Say what you will about Lee Garner Jr., but the actor playing him (Darren Pettie) threw in one of the most realistic television burps we’ve ever seen. We mean this: Great choice, Darren.
FBI: FEDERAL BUREAU OF
SCARING THE SH*T OUT OF DON DRAPER INVESTIGATION
What are those two men in suits doing in Don’s hallway? They’re to discover the truth about DICK WHITMAN mayhaps? Oh, wait, they’re just two friendly locals who have lost their way…
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE 1234 UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BOULEVARD IS, KIND SIR?”
See? Nothing to be suspicious about after all.
GIF THAT SHOULD BE ENROLLED IN THE GIF-TED PROGRAM
Don Draper as Sexxxy Superman.
“Even with the shaking and the sweating and the puking” — Bill Cosby
DAMMIT, I’M A DOCTOR, NOT A– OH WAIT, I’M NOT A DOCTOR.
Because I’m pretty sure I’m the same way after drinking 3 shots of gin. In which case, allow me to use my expertise in saying it is the worst feeling you will ever have. Also, this photo seems to further my theory that the series will end with Don killing himself.
GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER?
It’s Tony Charles, Lane’s new girlfriend.
LANE’S D*CK IS BIGGER THAN WE WOULD HAVE IMAGINED
To kiss her in front of his father? Lane’s a regular Liam Neeson down there.
AND HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND SEEMS COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE WITH THIS PDA
We especially liked the part where she put on her Rocketeer backpack and shot herself into space from right there in Lane’s apartment.
“FATHER, YOU CAHNT TELL ME HUUU-WHAT TO UH-DO!”
To hit our dear Lane upside the head with his cane? Wait a minute… we’ve seen this man before…
They basically look exactly this same with or without the helmet.
GIGANTIC MUTATED PEA IN THE POD
What on Earth was up with Trudy’s maternity lingerie? It had to be the most unflattering thing we’ve ever seen on anyone since that time we saw this:
SHE BOUGHT TWO SEATS ON THAT BUS, JUST TO BE SYMBOLIC
It’s actually really sad that Joan aborted her baby with Roger, only because that baby would have probably been the most attractive infant on Earth. Little hipster glasses for a boy, an adorable baby updo if it was a girl… so many lost opportunities. Why does Joan have to be so sensible all the goddamn time?
Seeing that SCDP is one account away from being in the financial sh*tter, Roger takes to his very modern-for-the-time Rolodex to drum old some old business. Only problem? Half of the names in his Rolodex are dead. Bright side: Those glasses.
CAUSE A SPOONFUL OF DRAPER HELPS THE MEDICINE GO DOWN
Sure, Dr. Faye Miller is putting up with a HELL of a lot when it comes to her relationship with Don. The payoff? Being his little spoon. Bitch.
THE FACE OF A MAD MAN
Listen carefully: This is the man that will bring Sterling Cooper down. He knows everyone’s secrets. And given the beadiness of his eyes and the shadiness of his business practices, he will eventually trample all over his colleagues for a chance at bigger and better things. All the dominoes are being set up on this one.
ONE THING YOU CAN NEVER ABORT: JOAN’S GRACEFULNESS
This is a strong, strong woman. She never flinches. One day after a traumatic medical procedure, and there she is at work, coiffed, dressed, smiling, fresh-faced and ready to go. She’s giving the Asian women in The Joy Luck Club a run for their “surviving the worst circumstances on Earth” money. “Waverly took best-quality crab. You took worst, because you have best-quality heart.” — dedicated to Joan, who always take worst crab.
“YOU SEE, WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS, LIES LIES LIES, AND THEN SOME UNTRUTHS, DICK WHITMAN SOMETHING SOMETHING, AND NOW WE DON’T HAVE THE NAA ACCOUNT ANYMORE.”
Lie they totally bought, courtesy of Pete Cambell.
DRAPER-PRICE’S® “MY FIRST MAD MEN BLEEP”
Roger said f*ck!!! And they bleeped it! Wish they could do this in each and every episode. I really felt like an adult for once in my life.
BEST BILL CLINTON IMPRESSION
Everything is “great” with the “business” you “guys.”
I AM A GENIUS AT PREDICTING THINGS
A few recaps ago, I predicted that Don Draper was going to get with his secretary Meghan, after spotting some paparazzi shots taken from an upcoming episode featuring Meghan hanging out with Sally Draper. And sure enough??
EFF ME EYESIEST
The episode closes with Don shooting her that famous face we’ve seen hundreds of thousands of times before. Could Meghan finally be the brunette that Don’s been secretly seeking his whole life? We sort of hope so. They’re, like, super power-coupley to the max.
FINALLY, 10 BEATLES TITLES THAT ALSO APPLY TO THIS EPISODE OF MAD MEN
10. “Nowhere Man” (Don’s identity)
9. “I Want to Hold Your Hand” (Lane & his girlf)
8. “Baby’s in Black” (Joan’s Baby)
7. “Shakin’ in the Sixties”
6. “Fixing a Hole” (Too soon abortion joke.)
5. “Don’t Let Me Down” (Applicable to basically everybody)
4. “I Saw Her Standing There”
3. “Mean Mr. Mustard” (Lane’s Dad, who totally looks like a Mr. Mustard)
2. “Act Naturally”
1. “Do You Want To Know a Secret?”
Thoughts on the episode? Beatles titles I may have left out? There’s a comments section, friends, get in there.
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