This is a recap of the first episode of A&E’s new television program, Teach: Tony Danza. Oh, Boy. It is the worst show. When you hear the title “Teach: Tony Danza,” you assume the show will have a sense of humor about itself. It does not.
The first episode of Teach: Tony Danza begins with three minutes of explanation of the show’s premise. Listed below are the things that are explained plus one thing that is implied.
1. Tony Danza originally was going to be a teacher.
2. Instead of teaching he fell ass backwards into acting after being a boxer?
3. He wants to explore the path in life he did not take.
4. He has left his family behind in L.A. to come teach at an urban public school, Northeast Highschool, in Philadelphia.
5. There are no urban public schools in L.A.
You guys want to hear a super cool Teach: Tony Danza “NOT” Joke? Cool. Here it goes. This sounds like a really good idea for a TV show. NOT! Hahahaha. That was awesome. Okay, let’s continue.
After the three minute premise explanation, Tony Danza wakes up (and bakes up?) for his first day of school.
He arrives at Northeast High School, and immediately runs into trouble with Mrs. DeNaples who is in charge of letting us know that Tony Danza is kind of dumb. This clip pretty much sums up the entire show.
Mr. Danza! That’s not your name! Jesus. This is going to be a long season.
After that, a number of students explain how they feel about Tony Danza teaching at their school. Most are very skeptical and think it is probably not a good idea. They are way better at assessing how good of an idea it is for Tony Danza to be teaching at their school than Tony Danza is.
The students all seem genuinely likable and smart. And adolescent mustachey. They’re probably even more adolescent mustachey than they are likable and smart.
Tony Danza then goes to the principal’s office where the principal also explains that she thinks that Tony Danza should not be a teacher and that this is a bad idea for a show… But she’s going to let him do it anyway apparently. Why? It’s not really explained.
The principal lays down the law with Tony Danza. She’s going to be super tough on him. If he screws up just this much, he’ll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog sh*t out of Hong Kong.
Finally, the bell rings and kids start pouring into Tony Danza’s first class. Here we go! Tony Danza immediately asks all of his students to sanitize their hands as they come through the door.
At first, I thought this was a little OCD weird, but after I thought about it, it I realized that it is the only reasonable thing Tony Danza does in the entire episode. These kids really do look like they need to sanitize their hands. Even more than hand sanitizers, though, they need adolescent mustache sanitizers. Because that sh*t is GOING AROUND.
Tony Danza begins “teaching.” He is clearly nervous and just barely gets through his class rules.
Haha! Tony Danza! You’re kind of dumb! Your first rule is three rules, and your third rule isn’t a rule. And your second rule… well, that really is a pretty good rule. “Be kind.” But I still think it could use a little work. Let’s Danza it up.
There we go.
After the rules, a student asks if Tony Danza is a millionaire. Tony Danza admits that he is a millionaire, but explains that “a million isn’t what it used to be.” He’s just like them he says! After all, his dad used to be a garbage man. “Oh my god! All of our dads are garbage men!” none of them say.
Actually, most of the students respond to him and become willing to give him a chance. They’re trying to be open minded. Except for Ben A.K.A. Kyle (“it’s a long story”). “I don’t think he really relates to us.” Ben A.K.A Kyle says. Apparently, Ben A.K.A. Kyle hasn’t been quite as rosey as the other students ever since he, like so many before him, was infected with the highly contagious adolescent mustache.
Another student then asks if Tony Danza is nervous. Why does she ask that? Because Tony Danza is covered in sweat. She suggests that he might want to wear an undershirt.
She is very good at suggesting things.
At the end of class, nobody is impressed. Even the kids who seemed willing to give him a chance seem let down. Tony Danza says he’ll try to get better.
Tony Danza then goes to help coach some football. He seems much better suited for this… until he actually starts coaching. The head coach asks him to say a few words to the team. Tony Danza then proceeds to say a lot of words in a row that don’t actually mean anything. He spends a great deal of time telling them to put “one step in front of the other”. The team looks sad about listening to him. “Please stop making us sad about listening to you,” all their sad mustachey faces say.
The next day, Tony Danza goes back to school, and things don’t get much better. He totally screws up explaining what a third person omniscient narrator is, and when a student corrects him, he is all like “duuuuuhhhhhhh…. ”
“Mr. Danza looked like he was wrong. And if you know you wrong, you look like you wrong.” – A student’s very accurate explanation of Tony Danza’s face.
The rest of the day continues to go poorly. He can’t find a print-out of all the story elements that he wanted to hand out, and students complain about how unorganized he is. He also gets chastised by a teacher for talking too much and making everything all about him.
The episode ends with the first football game of the season. Northeast High loses. Nothing is going right.
So that was the episode. Oh, man. Wow. Let me just say, it was really difficult to watch. There is something very uninteresting about seeing somebody who you would assume would be a bad teacher being a bad teacher. I can’t believe I have to watch this every week. I double dog dare all of you to watch this with me for the duration of the season.