Somebody call a doctor, a lawyer and an exorcist now, because apparently Amy Winehouse hasn’t done drugs in 3 YEARS. W-w-which means…whatever is wrong with her…is not drug-related! Says Winehouse,”I’m much healthier now. I used to use drugs and I haven’t used drugs in almost three years. It’s not a hard thing. I literally woke up one day and was like, ‘I don’t want to do this any more’.” Oh no! Could her hair have absorbed so much heroin that it’s still seeping into her brain? Because we cannot believe that is true! Here is just a short list of Amy’s antics over the past year or so that were apparently in no way caused by drugs!
- Drawing freckles on her nose with eyeliner, as if we all can’t tell they’re fake.
- Supposedly dating Pete Doherty (A serious RED FLAG!)
- Suffer from “nervous exhaustion” while not doing anything even remotely exhausting
- Getting arrested for assaulting a bouncer after heckling a performance of Cinderella (we can’t make this stuff up, people)
What we’re saying is: that list could probably be used by doctors and the police to screen for drug use. Oh, wait a minute…Amy’s not counting booze, is she? *Phew* That explains everything! It seems that family planning, not just avoiding an early death, is what’s driving Amy’s sobriety this time: “I’m of the age when you start thinking about it. Although I’m not going to be getting pregnant in the next nine months!” WHERE IS THAT EXORCIST?!?! WE NEED NEED TO GET HIS NUMBER ON SPEED DIAL STAT!