What It’s Like to Meet Michael Lohan


As some of you know, almost a month ago exactly I packed up my many trinkets and tunics, slapped my New York City super in the face, and bought a one way ticket to Los Angeles, where I am now residing. This move was not prompted so much by the fact that I had spent the 12 best years of my life living in a cement hole, moreso because I had landed a real life television job. That’s right, I am now the co-host of The Gossip Queens, a nightly gab fest airing on Logo at 7 PM and all throughout the day. Here is an unflattering photo of me on the set!

That’s me, far right, saying something hilarious I’m sure, Alec Mapa, in the tie, Bernadette Pauley, lefter, and Loni Love, leftist. We are all comedians, and while we’re also talking gossip with various bloggers and guests, we’re mainly being funny. Which is why you should watch. 7 PM. Logo. Watch.

But while we do consider ourselves a comedy show, next week, things will take a turn for the serious. Because we managed to score an interview with Michael Lohan. Now, some of you might recognize his name as one of the great recent purveyors of Celebrity Boxing. But, more famously maybe, he also happens to be the father of Lindsay Lohan, currently serving time in a rehab facility because girl loves drugs. Also, and maybe most importantly, he is the BFF of Jon Gosselin.

I was nervous. Which tunic would I wear for such an occasion? The black one was nice… oh but this black one is really nice.

Michael arrived at our set dressed like a man on a mission. A daughter saving mission. His feet donned the finest of ostrich-skinned cowboy boots. No doubt that ostrich was asking for it. His jacket was made of a leather so fine, so buttery soft, that even Hitler would have questioned its provenance. This jacket was what Hollywood dreams were made of, and if I were Lindsay, I would contact my dad just to feel the lugz-zhurious sleeve alone.

This appearance was not about comedy. It was about setting the record straight and making a plea to Lindsay, who is almost certainly a fan of our show. If you tune in next Tuesday night, you’ll hear Michael talk about his own stint in prison, beating up his crackhead brother-in-law, his ex-wife Dina, Lindsay’s participation in the Linda Lovelace biopic, and much, much more.

Look at us, being all serious.

But what surprised me the most was how emotional the segment was. No, I know. I know. I didn’t think it would go there, but it DID. And remember, my heart is made of leftover granite countertop fragments. But when a father, any father, is talking about saving his daughter’s life, I don’t care who it is, you’re going to feel some pain. I think I at one point said something like “a daughter needs her daddy,” by far the creepiest words to ever escape my lips ever.

The lesson here? Michael Lohan made me cry. And in that single tear, I saw the reflection of this:

Someone, get Lindsay the help she needs. And make sure to tune into The Gossip Queens, every night at 7 PM on Logo! (Michael’s episode will be on next Tuesday.) Also it’s rerun like 5 times a day, so tune in then too!

[Photos via The Gossip Queens/Dennis Hardison]

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