Yes, we’ve heard about Taylor Swift‘s new song “Dear John,” read the lyrics and devoured web coverage of the sappy, whiny heartbreak jam. The song title and lyrics, combined with this quote in which Taylor describes the targets of her new songs as “very clear,” has lead the world to believe that “Dear John” is indeed about Mr. Sexual Napalm himself. Here’s part of the “Dear John” chorus for you to ponder:
I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I should’ve known.
It was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played
By your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so.
My mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine
You’ll add my name to your long list of traitors
Who don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret
I ignored what they said ‘Run as fast as you can.”
But we don’t want to jump to conclusions and point fingers at Mayer without exploring other possible scenarios behind Taylor’s latest lovesick song. Let’s review some other options, shall we?
1. John, 32, performed the booty call version of a dine and ditch on 19-year-old Taylor and she wrote a song calling him out on it.
What this means: John is gross for banging a kid 13 years his junior, Taylor is gross for banging a guy gross enough to bang a girl 13 years his junior, Mama Swift was aware of the whole thing.
Clues: The song title, rumors the pair got a little too close last spring, and the fact that TSwift’s songs are painfully literal. (She has a song on her new album called “Mean,” about…someone who was mean to her. Genius.)
2. This song is just about some random guy and Taylor is bidding his ass adieu in the form of a warbly Dear John song-letter.
What this means: Taylor is more cliched than we thought.
Clues: The entire chorus.
3. This song is made up solely from Taylor’s imagination and an obsession with the book Twilight: New Moon (in which 17-year-old Bella dates and 108 year old vampire who ditches her – for her own good).
What this means: We share a reading list with Taylor Swift.
Clues: It’s not like every one of her songs is about someone she knows. Hello, she sang about Romeo on her last album, and we all know that guy died like 917849201 years ago. Or he’s a fictional character portrayed by Leonardo DiCaprio in our favorite movie from puberty. One of those things.
4. “Dear John” is actually about Kanye West.
What this means: There was a lot more to that “Imma let you finish” moment than we all originally thought.
Clues: Kanye seems like the kind of guy to have a “long list of traitors.” Also, this would be WAY juicier than a John Mayer hook-up. John’s the town bicycle of Hollywood, while Kanye is the town unicycle. IE: he’s a little bit harder to ride, and you normally end up falling off and embarrassing yourself. You catch our drift.
5. “Dear John” is indeed about John Mayer and Taylor Swift having a romantic relationship, but it’s much more innocent than we want to believe.
What this means: We’re giving John Mayer way more credit than he deserves.
Clues:Everything we know about Taylor Swift.