This is a recap for the thirteenth and final episode of Season 4 of Mad Men starring Jon Hamm, Christina Hendricks, John Slattery, January Jones, and a slew of other talented actors, on an episode called “Tomorrowland.” And now, here is your long-awaited For Your Consideration Recap:
RISE AND SWINE
The episode begins with Don being awoken by his lover, Dr. Faye. As in, “Someone, call a Dr. This woman is about to Faye-nt… from heartbreak.” Spoiler Jazz Trumpet*: Dr. Faye is about to have her heart broken. (*I’ve swapped the overly used “alert” for the sound of my favorite alert… the jazz trumpet.)
“GOOD MORNING, SWEET LOVER WHO WILL NEVER BETRAY ME DESPITE THAT DANCE YOU ONCE TAUGHT ME, ‘THE F*CK ‘EM, LEAVE ‘EM, N KICK ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE DOWN SHIMMY.’”
Some women never learn. Some doctors are women. Therefore, women shouldn’t be doctors because they never learn. (Science, look it up.)
I once had a dream that Don Draper and I spent an evening making marijuana butter together, and this is exactly what he looked like in it.
“I HAVE A SICK FEELING IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH”
Dr. Faye: “Maybe… that sick feeling might go away… if you propose marriage to your secretary.” Did someone see my jazz trumpet? I could have sworn I put it somewhere around *clang* oh. I left it on the floor.
“THE PATERNITY RESULTS FROM YOUR GYNECOLOGIST HAS COME IN, AND I’M AFRAID IT’S NOT GOOD NEWS… I’M KIDDING, YOU HOT BITCH, YOU’VE BEEN PROMOTED!”
Joan’s been promoted to Director of Agency Operations. Her unborn baby, however, is still holding steady at “bastard.”
COFFEE, TEA, BLOOD?
“I’ll have the blood.” — Pete Campbell takes no prisoners at the American Cancer Association.
QUOTE OF THE SHOW
“Don and I think it’d be best if we approach it from the rear.” — Pete proves he’ll stop at nothing for suck-sex.
THE RETURN OF CREEPY GLEN!
Yesss! We’ve learned to love Creepy Glen, played by Matthew Weiner’s real-life son Marten. Mainly because Betty hates him so much. And anything that Betty hates, we love. Though… have you guys noticed that with the addition of a little MS Paint facial hair, Creepy Glen turns into the spitting image of
“BOY, YOU’RE CREEPY AS HELL, BUT GET YOUR FAT ASS UPSTAIRS AND SAY GOODBYE TO SALLY BEFORE THAT SKINNY BITCH GETS BACK FROM THE STORE.”
You know this is what Carla is thinking. And rightfully so. Carla is the best thing about Mad Men. We sure hope nothing happens to her!
GUESS WHO ISN’T A HALF-BASE VIRGIN ANYMORE??
Theeeeese twooooooooo. Hugging in the 1960s was like 9 inches away from getting the Clap. #stdfacts We liked the friendship between Sally and Glen, and ever since Sally kicked her lisp to the curb American Hithtory X style, she has been a joy to watch. And now she has to move! Away from her one friend! You know… because she masturbated in front of the rest of them. Poor Sally.
JANUARY JONES’ CABLE ACE AWARD WORTHY PERFORMANCE SCREENCAP
If you stare really closely, you can almost see a thought. It’s like a WASPy Magic Eye Poster.
OH HALE NAW
Betty… don’t do it… don’t… you did it. You fired Carla. The only good thing those children had. You fired her. Because a small boy who looked like Alfred Molina once got a little creepy with you.
Betty why? Why are you both the worst character and actress on television?
WHAT CAME FIRST: THE JANUARY JONES CHICKEN OR THE BETTY DRAPER EGG?
Suffice it to say, the world hates both things equally. But why? Is it because January is a horrible actress playing a vile character? Or is Betty Draper so stiff and stuck-up on the show that we’re forced to hate the actress that plays her. JJ’S SNL episode last season sort of clears this up… it’s the chicken.
CARLA NOW GOES THE WAY OF MISS BLANKENSHIP ON THE LIST OF CHARACTERS WHO WERE AWESOME AND ARE NOW GONE
“DON, I FIRED CARLA.”
“YOU MOTHERF*CKING IDIOT.”
Is how this scene should have played out.
DID THEY LITERALLY WRAP THEIR HAIR AROUND BEEHIVES BACK THEN?
“SOMEONE SAID THERE WAS CHALLAH HERE OH I SEE THAT IS YOUR HAIR NOT A JEWISH LOAF OF BREAD OK BYE THEN.”
“MR. DRAPER, THE DRY CLEANER CALLED, THEY SAID YOUR SHIRTS HAVE BEEN–”
“MARRY MEEEE-IIIII MEAN HARRY DEAN STANTON IS A FABULOUS ACTOR. WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO CALIFORNIA WITH ME?”
SOMEONE, QUICK, WRITE A NEW THE NANNY THEME SONG
“She was working in an ad agency in NYC, when her boss invited her on a trip to Cali. What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was a secretary! Her mouth was kinda weird but she still looked good, and she happened to catch Don in a good mood. She had style, she had flair, she was there, that’s how she became Their Mommy.” Best I could do.
JUST ANOTHER NIGHT INSIDE MAKING PLAY CLOTHES FROM THE CURTAINS
I’d be frontin’ major if I said I didn’t love that dress. But seriously, why is she so good with Don’s kids? Could it really be the hundreds of thousands of French nieces and nephews she has? Maybe. Maybe.
DON DIES, THE END
Can you imagine? Amazing season finale.
AWW, REMEMBER DON’S CANCER WALL?
DADDY, WHO PAINTED THAT WALL?
Dick and Anna ’64. Or, if you’re like me and have access to some quick photoshopping…
DICK + VAGANNA ’69
Makes you wonder what sort of paint they were using, doesn’t it?
MOST CASUAL PROPOSAL
“Oh, Mom wanted you to have this…”
FROM THE GREAT CANARDLY COLLECTION
We kid. We’d take it. We’d take anything.
“YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES.”
Don was crushed when he realized this wasn’t an actual proposal, rather just a casual giving of the diamond rings by girls who are stupid and go to Berkeley. Still, any reason to turn Draper into an animated monster is reason enough for us. And thus, the marriage seed has been planted.
LICENSING FEE AMC COULD NOT AFFORD
Huh, an entire episode devoted to Disneyland and not a single sighting of Mickey ears? Highly suspish. Or, as my mother would say, Haile Selassie. Couldn’t shell out the extra bones despite those DVD sales?
MOST APPROPRIATE 90s THEME SONG TO ACCOMPANY THIS PHOTO
PROFILES OF COURAGE
He might be a f*ckface, but dammit if he doesn’t have the perfect profile pose. If only Myspace existed back then!! Baller.
CHEST WEEK EVER
The man is truly the Jesus Christ of our generation.
And possssibly a child abuser.
“THIS IS MY FRIEND, BAGUETTE DEPARDIEU.”
Could she be any more French?
RECORD SETTING NUMBER OF COCKED EYEBROWS
This screencap should be proof of the most amount of cocked eyebrows in a single frame. We count 6. And 2 of them are on a baby!! What a great actor.
MOST TERRIFYING BLOND MURDERESS
Those eyes. Those eyes. Betty is on a tear! And it will only be a matter of time before you know who leaves her.
HER HUSBAND. BEFORE HER HUSBAND LEAVES HER.
I believe it was in this exact moment that Henry realized he married a 6 year old with a horrific hormonal disease.
WORST BOOTY CALL EXCUSE
“I just wanted to go over the plans for tomorrow. Also, I brought along my penis in this envelope.”
MOST OBVIOUS TRUTH
Meghan is a true beauty. Really, stunning. Stunning girl. Butttttt camman her teeth are jacked. That’s like the easiest thing to fix!!
THOSE OF YOU WONDERING WHY JANUARY JONES WAS HIRED IN THE FIRST PLACE
She looks striking collapsed on a mattress in privileged despair.
“DON, AM I BEAUTIFUL?”
Draper’s Robert DeNiro impression has improved a little bit. A little bit.
THERE’S A PANTYHOSE SUBPLOT HAPPENING
But do we really care about it? No. No, we don’t. So let’s get back to the good stuff.
MOST FAMILIAR LOOKING DINER
When Don walked into the diner to meet up with the kids and Meghan for breakfast, I could have sworn I had seen it before. Then it came back to me. “Any of you f**king pricks move, and I’ll execute every motherf**king last one of you.” Meet Pulp Fiction, a movie I memorized in the 8th grade.
NO SENSE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILKSHAKE
So that’s where that phrase comes from! Luckily, Meghan composed herself despite Sally’s unforgivable act of knocking a glass over on the table, reminding Don that it’s not a big deal. This is where Don realizes she’s “the one.”
ME CONFUSED. MILKSHAKE SPILL. BE MAD. BUT FEEL HAPPY. ME IN LOVE.
Even though it took him a little while to come to this conclusion.
Someone get these mothuhf*ckin kids outta this mothuhf*ckin diner!
SUPER BEST DECISIONIEST!
“I dont know what it is about you, but I feel like myself…” — Dondick Whitdraperman
“DO YOU REALLY MEAN IT DON?”
OK, enough with the dog teeth faces.
THE MOMENT YOU’VE NOT AT ALL BEEN WAITING FOR
The big proposal!! Don had a ring that was burning a hole in his pocket. He almost proposed to Sally by the pool until he realized he was related to her. Next best thing? Meghan, the trusty secretary who lusted for Draper, only to pass the Stepmom test with flying colors. Oh, and the romance! “Because I’m in love with you, and I have been for a while. Like… 7 hours.” Silver swoons.
A QUICK FRENCH TRANSLATION:
“YES, HELLO, MAMA?”
“I HAVE HIT THE DICK JACKPOT. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TRUE THIS SENTENCE WILL BE UNTIL SEASON 5 PROBABLY!”
CONGRATULATORY SONG TO MEGHAN
Spoiler trumpy: He probably won’t. But enjoy it while it lasts M.
WHO THE HELL IS MISS CALVEIGH? — ROGER STERLING
Line of the episode
THEY DO KINDA MAKE A GREAT COUPLE
And she’s a littttle Rachel Menkiny, no?
“WHAT’S GOING ON? MARRIAGE? I’LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.”
“TELL ME YOU’RE JOKING… WHAT WAS WITH ALL THAT HAND HOLDING BUSINESS.”
Peggy demands answers. Much like the baby she gave up for adoption who is probably 13 years old by now.
SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT ARE GOOD FOR BABIES…
Cigarettes!! And lots of em.
“WHERE’VE YOU BEEN? I WAS STARTING TO WORRY YOU GOT ENGAGED TO YOUR SECRETARY OR SOMETHING. WHAT’S UP?”
“WELL…… IIIIII…. GOTTTTT…. ENGAGEDDDD…. TOOOOO…. MYYYYYYY…. SECRETARYYYYYYY.”
“ARE YOU TELLING ME OUR LUNCH PLANS ARE CANCELED? YOU DIRTY SON OF A BITCH. GOODBYE.”
She handled herself surprisingly well. Also, oof, the pain. THE PAIN. Poor Dr. Faye.
MOST UNBELIEVABLE LIE IF FETUS’ COULD TALK
Joan did keep the baby! No surprise there. What WILL be a surprise is when the baby is born with a head of white hair and a tumbler.
MOST TRYING MOMENT AS AN ACTRESS
Having to pick up a box and look natural. Ms. Jones, sadly, failed.
“SO I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE… UNTIL NEXT SUMMER. WHEN THE NEW SEASON STARTS.”
These two are like the George and Elaine of fortune. When one is up, the other is down. And I think it’s safe to say that, for the moment, Betty is way, way down. YOU FIRED CARLA YOU MONSTER.
GOODNIGHT PLAID WALLPAPER. GOODNIGHT WRISTWATCH. GOODNIGHT SALLY AND BOBBY AND THE OTHER ONE. GOODNIGHT HEARTBROKEN FAKE DOCTOR. GOODNIGHT WEIRDO NURSE NEIGHBOR. GOODNIGHT BOTTLE OF WHISKEY WITHIN REACH. GOODNIGHT WOMAN I KIND OF KNOW WHO I PLAN ON SPENDING THE REST OF MY MONTH WITH. GOODNIGHT MOON.
And so, we say goodbye to another stellar season of Mad Men.
There is a lot to analyze in this episode, but seeing as we’ve spent the past 20 hours focusing on it, we’ll leave the smart stuff up to you. Dick vs. Don seems to be a running theme in this episode. Feel free to opine on this episode and future events in the comments below.