Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown: Give The Cat A Meatball

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When all is said and done, history will not look back fondly at the second season of Jersey Shore. The lovable group of scamps that we were first introduced to last year as they summered on the beaches of Sleazeside Heights, blissfully unaware of the mega-celebrities that they would become, are gone. Yes, their corporeal forms remain the same, but their personalities have shifted in significant ways since the halcyon days of Summer 2009 when the show’s first season has taped. And really, that’s what drew people into the show in the first place, the outgoing and unique personalities of the show’s main core of characters: The Situation, DJ Pauly D, Snooki and, to a lesser extent, the rest of them.

While we don’t blame MTV for getting the band back together again in February of 2010 to begin filming the M.I.A. season — gotta strike while the iron is hot! — it was apparent from the outset that the program lost some of its mojo when it traveled south of the Mason/Dixon line. From a creative perspective, the second season was watered down weak sauce compared to the first, but that didn’t stop the audience of the show from growing week after week after week. And we have little doubt that the third season of Jersey Shore (hopefully subtitled “Back To The Beach”) will, once again, be a massive ratings success, it remains to be seen if the gang can maintain their level of popularity as they inch ever closer to overexposure.

That said, here’s this week’s Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown … enjoy!

10) “Bugs in the Everglades are huge. They’re about the size of Snooki.”The Situation
Remember how cool it was when the cast of the Real World used to go on mini-vacations (RW: Los Angeles to Mexico, RW: San Francisco to Hawaii, RW: Hawaii to India!)? Well, this was pretty much the lamest “get the cast out of the house” stunt in the long history of MTV productions. The worst part? They didn’t even catch Sitch puking up frog legs on the side of the highway!

9) “I’m over this shit. I’m gonna have a f*ckin’ heart attack in 2 minutes. My blood pressure’s off the roof.”Snooki
Ah yes, yet another malapropism from our beloved Shnickers. Off the roof, off the charts, who gives a fook?


8) “You know, we’re joking around, we’re laughing, we’re talking about how things are gonna be when we leave. And Mr. Hyde comes out to play.”Ron Ron
Worst! Couple! Ever! We liked them better when Ron Ron was single, coked out of his gourd and motorboating the Jell-O shot girls. Now, all they do is sleep, fight and generally acting boring. In fact, we’re pretty sure they don’t even smoosh anymore!

Also, want to know a telltale sign that Sammi’s a bore? Ron Ron pounded this mojito in like 3 seconds flat.

7) “When you actually have a good girl out there, say No to Ho’s.”Vinny
Our boy Vinny is normally DTF on a moment’s notice with any girl, regardless of her looks (remember, this is the guy that porked the Staten Island Dump). However, his habitually tardy beanpole of a girlfriend has him more whipped than the good people at Reddi. That said, this is quite a stellar catchphrase, one that Nancy Reagan wishes she would’ve invented after the raging success of her “Just Say No” platform in the late eighties.

6) “Friends is a deep word.”J-WOWW (30 mins)
Jenni Farley, we know how you feel. No one told us it was gonna be this way, either. Much like you, our job’s a joke, we’re broke and our love life is D.O.A. Do you ever feel like your life is stuck in second gear? We do, all the time, especially while watching this show. And while it hasn’t been our day, our week, our month or even our year, we’re very much looking forward to the time between now and Jersey Shore‘s return on January 6, 2011; after all, we’ll finally have our Thursday nights free once again!

5) “No regrets. We’re healthy, not hurt, not handcuffed. And that’s all that matters.”The Situation
Speaking of being handcuffed, did you notice that Sally Ann Salsano decided NOT to include footage of Sammi Sweetheart beating the crap out of another woman at a Miami nightclub in any of this season’s episodes? That was a huge bummer.

4) “Sometimes you mix two grenades, it might make one good looking girl.”Vinny
I’m not Professor Math or anything, but this sounds to me to be a worthy corollary to the Ho Equation:

Two grenades + a Six Pack = A Situationsome

And really, Sitch, did you have to commit the robbery with Vinny’s sloppy seconds AGAIN? Can’t you find your own ladies to mack on?

3) “A crow comes and it starts quacking at us. Or not quacking, what’s a crow do?”Snooki
Snooks Snooks Snooks, you have to stop emulating Jessica Simpson. There’s only so many times people will think your inability to remember even the most rudimentary example of onomatopoeia is cute before you get permanently labeled as an airhead. Crows go “Ca-caw,” didn’t Brandon Lee teach you anything?

That said, we certainly felt exactly like that crow did for the better part of this season of Jersey Shore. We too were watching, waiting for something interesting to happen, but nothing did. Just like the crow, we got fed up and will be flying away (at least until the show’s return on January 6).

2) “Doin’ the nasty / In the jacuzzi.”DJ Pauly D
While we have been pretty harsh on the misadventures of the Macaroni Rascals, we have nothing but love in our hearts for Disc Jocky Paul DelVecchio. His ability to turn even the most mundane of activities — waiting for cabs, putting on t-shirts — into song has really endeared us to him. Live long and prosper, Pauly D!


1) “It’s over. Smile, take a drink, have a cigarette, have some brownies. Give the cat a meatball.”The Situation
For all of Sitch’s date-rapey and egomaniacal behavior this season, we still believe that he’s a good guy at heart. Sure, fame (and a bad cycle of roids) have gone to his head, but seeing as how his star has already peaked, hopefully he’ll recognize the error of his ways and return to the Sitch we all fell for in Sleazeside Heights. The way he handled the Snooki/J-WOWW fight this episode was really quite commendable, and as a reward, we honor him with the top spot in this week’s Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown.

Well folks, that’s a wrap! We’ll have a few more Jersey Shore posts coming your way in the next few days, but as I mentioned above, the show is on hiatus until January 6, 2011. 2011!

Until then,
Juice Springsteen