The Nine Most Insane Things About This Charlie Sheen Mess

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By now you know the basic details: Charlie Sheen was hospitalized for drinking and taking cocaine and then trashing his hotel room, all while a frightened hooker looked on and his ex-wife Denise Richards was staying feet away in another room in the same hotel suite. That’s pretty crazy stuff, but the crazy doesn’t end there. Here are the nine other things about this situation that are even more insane:

1. Sheen allegedly took the hooker to dinner earlier in the evening, with Denise and several other people.

2. Sheen also was reported to have slipped away to the bathroom with his hooker during dinner. Nothing says “I’m on good terms with my ex” like public hooker sex while your ex-wife eats her dinner roll.

3. The hooker is the one who called hotel security after Sheen passed out. Life & Style reports that she was naked and screaming while barricaded in a closet during the incident.

4. Richards and Sheen have been having an adorably girly week with kids Sam and Lola, taking them to Mary Poppins and the American Girl Place, but the most hilarious irony is that the suite the family has been staying in at The Plaza Hotel in the Eloise Suite, named for the girl in the Eloise children’s books. You know, Eloise. The little girl who wreaks havoc, destroys her bathroom, disrupts fancy parties in the hotel and all that? Seems fitting, actually.

5. Denise Richards’ bizarrely calm demeanor over the whole situation. At 4am, just two hours after 911 was called, Richards Tweeted “Good morning!! Getting ready .. Heading to do Howard Stern this am!! Hmm what could he possibly ask this time?!?!” Is she that used to Charlie’s behavior that she’s barely upset by what the father of her children is up to? While appearing on Stern’s show, she said that though the trip was “eventful”, everything was just “hunky dory”. Have we misjudged this woman? Is she actually one of the greatest actresses of our time?

6. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, it’s a key tool of PR reps everywhere. Just look at Sheen’s rep, who claims the actor “was taken to the hospital after an allergic reaction to medication.” Yes, of course. Medication. Maybe he mistakenly snorted one of his hooker’s antibiotics while she screamed for help.

7. Charlie was not arrested for trashing the hotel room (see photos here), nor was he charged for hiring a hooker or possessing cocaine. And he was given the choice to go to the police station or the hospital and he chose the hospital (who wouldn’t??). In addition, his probation – a result of his assault on Brooke Mueller – will not be revoked in Colorado. It’s so great when you can behave like an animal without punishment, isn’t it?

8. Rehab. Sheen reportedly attended rehab earlier in the year, but often denies that he needs it. And as for this time, Sheen appears to have no plans to go to rehab, at least not right away. He has millions of Two And A Half Men dollars to make, you know. Who is advising this guy? He’s the male Lindsay Lohan, but more violent and with more offspring who are going to need therapy. He needs help.

9. Sheen’s only statement, made via text message to RadarOnline about the incident, calls the reports in the media”overblown” but when asked to elaborate, he says “I know what went down and that’s where it will stay… under wraps.” No denials, no clarification…nice try.

It seems fitting that the most memorable role of Sheen’s in our opinion, is the junkie he played in the police station in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. He hasn’t changed a bit.

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