This is a recap of the fourth episode of A&E’s new television program, Teach: Tony Danza. Normally these recaps go up at the beginning of the week, but this one is late because I was on vacation and busy falling, smacking my face on a paddle board and swallowing six gallons of sea water a bunch of times in a row.
This episode is a real watershed moment in the history of Teach: Tony Danza. Instead of being entirely Tony-Danza-centric and treating every story line as if they are just things that happen to Tony Danza, the subplots actually come together like a real episode of television. Also, this little asian kid basically tells Tony Danza to shut the f*ck up and we should all mail him an Emmy Award.
The episode begins with Tony Danza inviting his childhood friend, Bobby G., to the school. Tony Danza explains that Bobby G. used to be a teacher. Tony Danza then brings him into the office to introduce him to Miss. DeNaples.
Miss DeNaples is not happy about this. “We have to think about our children. So, what’s the purpose of this man being here?” She asks. Tony has no answer. She explains that this is not Hollywood. Tony Danza can’t just bring in a friend whenever he feels like it as if he is the star on a TV set. She is undeniably correct. This is a school. So, clearly, that’s the end of that. Nope just kidding what are you crazy.
Tony Danza takes Bobby G. to his class because that’s what Tony Danza does.
Tony Danza begins talking about the old days with him and Bobby G. Eric Choi stops paying attention and starts doing origami because he’s living in some strange bizarro world where high school kids don’t particularly care about 80’s sitcom stars’ friends from when they were in college. What a weirdo!
Tony Danza confiscates Eric’s origami thing. Tony Danza is upset that Eric so often does origami instead of paying attention, so he confronts Eric during lunch.
Tony Danza says that Eric appears to not be engaged. Eric then totally nails Tony Danza. “I’m not really interested in your off topic topics.” HOLY SH*T, Tony Danza! You just got Choi Snapped.
Later, Tony Danza goes out to band practice and asks the best named teacher in the school if he can help out with band stuff.
Mr. Wenglicki accepts Tony Danza’s help, so Tony Danza starts helping. You know… helping. You get it. We all know what helping looks like.
Tony Danza continues helping, but quickly discovers it is hard. One of the students expresses concern that Tony Danza doesn’t know what he’s doing. “You know, I thought coaching the football team was hard!” Tonty Danza exclaims. Apparently helping the band is harder than coaching football… which Tony Danza quit… because it was too hard. Good luck with the band, Tony Danza!
Next, Tony Danza is back in his class standing in a completely normal position when special education teacher Allison Binder swings by.
She invites Tony Danza to come bowling on Wednesday. Or at least that’s what A&E pretends she is doing. The entity that is Teach: Tony Danza acts like there is no subtext here. And, in fairness, later on in the episode, Tony Danza, Miss Binder and a bunch of the other teachers do actually end up going bowling on a Wednesday. But… let’s all be grown ups about this. Miss Binder is straight up trying to get Danzaf*cked.
“It might be too big for me.” – Alison Binder, Special Education Teacher
Miss Binder leaves, and the students pour in. Tony Danza tries to teach them about creation myths, but once again, Eric Choi is bored and does a classic bored move.
Tony Danza is like… Dude, why are you doing a classic bored move?
After class, Mr. Wenglicki comes by to ask Tony Danza if he can come to the big band competition that Saturday. Tony Danza says he’s not sure because he was really planning to go visit his family in LA that weekend. Of all the reasons Tony Danza has had to half-ass the whole teaching thing (i.e. Atlantic City shows and singing the National Anthem at a Phillies game) this is the best one. He genuinely seems to miss his wife, Tracy, and his two daughters, Emmy and Katie. Why he didn’t just film this bullsh*t show in an LA school I will never know, but whatever, he misses his family. He should skip the band thing and go visit them. I think we can all very un-cynically allow for that in our cold, cold skeptical-of-Tony-Danza hearts.
But then he skips visiting his family and goes to the band thing. They come in third.
The next day, Tony Danza is in the middle of class when suddenly, his daughter, Katie, surprises him.
Katie is very attractive. Matt M. is like, “Yeah, I can hang with that.”
Katie is also very charming. Maybe in another world where I didn’t write the world’s snarkiest recaps about her father’s television show I could be with her.
At the end of the show, Tony Danza has his students do a creative project about creation Myths. He decides that maybe by letting the students be the center of attention, it will take the focus of of him and allow the kids to become more engaged. It totally works. Even Eric Choi gets into it. He teams up with Ben A.K.A. Kyle (one of the many mustache kids and also one of the many A.K.A. kids) and they put on a sketch.
It goes very well. The students learn about creation myths and Tony finally figures out how to teach an effective lesson.
So that was it. This episode was actually the least fun to recap so far because it was just sort of… a little interesting? I hope this never happens again. The next episode is tonight, and let’s all pray that it gets back to it’s normal terrible-ness.