BOARDWALK EMPIRE RECAP: Home Is Where The Giant A-Hole Dad Is

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This is a Recap of Boardwalk Empire Season 1 Episode 7, “Home”, originally airing October 31st, 2010. Beware of its spooooky gangsters and scaaaarily superfluous lesbian nude scenes.

This week opens with Nucky’s crotchety old dad from the 1400s slipping on some squalor and lying on the ground unable to move or ruin the ground’s childhood. Eli eventually arrives with a doctor, but Nucky shows up later as the first move in his nonstop quest to re-affirm to his dad how much they hate one another.

Nucky wants to move his dad into an Ether Home, or something, but Eli’s happy to have the dad stay with him because “the kids love him” – back before tv, watching old angry dudes fall comprised 80% of entertainment. Nucky decides to give the house to Ward Boss Fleming so he can fix it up, purely out of random generosity and not because Nucky wants to bury any horrific baseball mitt-related memories from the place. Nucky tells Fleming “It’s yours, no baseball mitts attached. STRINGS! Horrible, horrible memory strings. PAINT OVER THEM!”

Eli also mentions to Nucky that it might kind of be somewhere in the same zip code as awkward if Margaret ever found out that Nucky ordered her husband to be killed and is now sleeping with her, but Nucky’s like “Don’t worry, that will never, ever, ever come up in this series. No skir-ee-ip-seriee Bob.” It doesn’t sound suspicious, because they literally all said that then.

After the jump, why the hell not, some lesbians:

Lesbian love scene. Why not? Boardwalk Empire already has the “consecutive episodes with boobs” record, now they’re just padding it like some naked Cal Ripken Jr. Naked Angela is worried that if Nucky finds out about her affairs, he’d stop paying her, and then they’d have to try harder to come up with a tortured reason to shoehorn a lesbian scene into this series. If that sounded like complaining, it wasn’t.

Back in The City Where It Winds Aplenty (original Chicago nickname), Jimmy meets a new friend:

Richard Harrow, a sniper who lost half his face in the war and talks like John Nash with the deep voice of Rorschach, has a conversation with fellow war vet Jimmy and they quickly become friends. Unfortunately, a rival gangster then bursts in, grabs Richard, and restores half of his face to send Jimmy a message. Richard then shoots himself in the head (from a really far away window). Psychenaw!

Jimmy takes Richard to the brothel, gives him some liquor shots through a straw after he’s unable to drink them out of the original Donald Duck sippy cup, and introduces him to a super-welcoming prostitute who’s totally into the Phantom thing. Richard’s like, “To show my gratitude, is there anyone I can snipe for you in return?” Jimmy’s like, “Nah, I can’t really think of anyone I’d like to shoot in the head from a great dist–Waaaaaaait a minuuuuuuutteee, actually yes!”

Jimmy later meets face-to-face with Liam, the goon who stabbed his girlfriend’s face — a scene which HBO showed for a THIRD STRAIGHT WEEK in the “Previously” segment, because they’re clearly just trying to make us puke at this point, we definitely didn’t forget the plot detail where Jimmy’s girlfriend GOT STABBED IN THE FACE — and Jimmy tells Liam a story about a German soldier who got shot then stuck in barbed wire for days but still refused to die. If you had Jimmy in your Boardwalk Empire “Fake Dramatic Story Monologue” office pool this week, that $76 is yours.

Jimmy then tells Liam he doesn’t want to see him again, walks away, and just as Liam is exhaling, he gets shot through the brain by Richard from across the street. It would’ve been a super badass move by Jimmy, except when he left the table, he accidentally went right into the walk-in cooler.

Elsewhere, we met another super-famous gangster this week, as a teeny businessman approached Chalky White (great grandfather of Omar), and introduced himself as “Michael Lewis,” author of The Blind Side. He proposes that Chalky sell the whiskey to him directly so he can adapt his sports story into a harmless film that somehow gets a Best Picture nomination, but Chalky’s like “Nucky would get real pissed if that happened, sorry tiny man who isn’t going to grow up to be a famous gangster.”

That gangster’s name? Tony Montana. Actually, he’s Meyer Lansky, the guy from that Richard Dreyfuss HBO movie no one saw. Tear up the checklist! Boardwalk Empire has now officially incorporated every famous gangster ever. That kid who assaulted the fat guy last week was John Dillinger.

The episode wraps up with Lucy going to see Jekyll and Hyde by herself:

If Michael Patrick King wrote this episode, right after the scene where Lucy’s watching the movie, Steve Buscemi would’ve had a voiceover saying “Here I was, trying to act like a Dr. Jekyll on the outside, while the whole time, my childhood was secretly a Mr. Hyde.” Then Samantha would’ve blown Lucky.

Nucky finally confesses his “baseball mitt” story to Margaret, telling her that his mitt was stolen by four older boys and his dad forced him to fight the older boys, and he got beaten up and spent eleven days in the hospital. Margaret agrees that even for a really implausibly exaggerated a-hole of a “tough dad” character, that story is absolutely ridiculous. Nucky’s like, “I know, no dad has ever done that ever, in fiction or otherwise. Now you see why I’m so broken up about it?”

Nucky spontaneously decides to set his newly-restored childhood home on fire, and the last shot of the episode is Margaret’s kid watching the fire in amazement, because it’s way more exciting than that wooden hoop that you roll with a stick, which is the only game that existed back then:

Boardwalk Empire Episode 7 thoughts? Favorite / least favorite parts? Predictions? Stories of dads forcing their kids to get mauled? Leave ‘em in the comments.

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