Prepare For Your Mind To Be Blown: Katy Perry Almost Opted For A Breast Reduction

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Get ready to pick your  eyebrow off the top off your forehead, because according a new interview Katy Perry once considered breast reduction. Says Perry, as a 13-year-old, “I had really bad back problems and was a little bit thicker. Then I grew up and lost the baby fat and said, ‘Hey, this isn’t all that bad.’” Wow, and to think: Katy could have ended up some boring ol’ nuclear physicist if she had gone through with reducing her jiggle. Thank the gods she didn’t take them down a cup size; how would adolescent boys know when to enter puberty? From whence would the nation’s breast-mounted whip cream lasers flow? Imagining the possibilities is like It’s A Wonderful Life, but with nipples. Seriously though, Katy, America needs those jugs almost as much as your career needs them. Well, everywhere in America except Sesame Street.

When chatting about the fitted clothes worn during a photo shoot, Katy explained, “I’ll tell you about my boobs and fashion. It can be hard to wear those looks because they’re best on people who have no curves or thighs. I don’t have a Kate Moss body, but I’m very proud and happy with mine.” Ah yes, how hard it must be to be happy with KATY PERRY’S PERFECT  BODY. What a struggle Perry must go through each morning as she pulls on a new latex minidress and faces the new day. Seriously, we just gained 5 pounds of rage weight just thinking about it (admission: it was actually from eating fudge).

Though…would you mind if we pointed out the elephant in the room here? Or rather, the two saline elephants jammed into the skin-tight rhinestone bustier? Are we honestly supposed to believe that Perry was just naturally build like Jessica Rabbit without a boost from a medical profession? IT CANNOT BE TRUE.  Now if you’ll excuse us, this rage fudge isn’t going to eat itself.

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