Attention American Idol Contestants: Keep Your Filthy Mouths Off J.Lo’s Songs

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As if you weren’t taking your life in your hands by trying out in the first place, now J. Lo warns American Idol contestants against auditioning with one of her songs…or else.  “It was cute, super entertaining and flattering, but no,” says Jennifer Lopez of fools who’ve already dared mangle classic gems like “Waiting For Tonight” with their braying donkey voices.  We bet J.Lo must have been sweating in her Louboutins listening to her own songs, afraid that America would realize other people don’t need Auto-tune, eight producers, backing vocals and varsity lip synching skills to make most of her tunes listenable. Which has us thinking  negotiations to hire J.Lo as a judge  took so long because she kept demanding a trap-door that would open over a pit of ‘gators when the opening bars of “Jenny From The Block” started to play.

“They know we’re not out to cut them down or make a joke of them,” J.Lo says of the auditioning masses, “We’re trying to mentor them to the next step.” We’ve all seen the audition shows, Jenny; they are 95% about cutting delusional people down. Cutting people down and occasionally making fat guys in Princess Leia costumes get their backs waxed. It’s actually a blessing in disguise contestants can’t sing Jenny’s tunes.  Humiliating yourself on national TV is one thing, but adding “Love Don’t Cost A Thing” to the mix? Sometimes you have to protect people from themselves.