Dick Van Dyke Saved By Porpoises, Claims Non-Senile 84-Year-Old Actor

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Dick Van Dyke fell asleep on a surfboard in the middle of the ocean and was pushed to shore by a group of porpoises. For real! (Probably not for real):

Van Dyke’s ordeal began during an ill-fated trip to his local beach. “I woke up out of sight of land,” the 84-year-old actor told reporters. “I started paddling with the swells and I started seeing fins swimming around me and I thought ‘I’m dead!’”

Van Dyke was wrong. “They turned out to be porpoises,” he said. “And they pushed me all the way to shore.” The porpoises were unavailable for comment.

You know what probably didn’t happen? Any of that. But it is adorable!

On his way off the beach, Van Dyke almost tripped over a discarded Ottoman but a group of friendly fiddler crabs pushed it out of the way at the last minute. FACT. Not a fact.