Teach: Tony Danza Series Finale Recap: A Dull And Fitting Ending

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This is a recap of the seventh and final episode of A&E’s new television program, Teach: Tony Danza. The show was not renewed for a second season and Tony Danza is no longer a teacher. We’re all going to be okay.

The previous episode of Teach: Tony Danza was great. It seemed like Tony Danza was actually getting the hang of this whole teaching thing and that the students were finally beginning to see him as a trustworthy authority figure. It was a genuinely interesting hour of television that made you think to yourself, “Wait, this might actually be a worthwhile series.” But then this episode happened and you’re like, “Whoops never mind!” This show is the worst. Even listening to the students has gotten exhausting. Let’s get through this last terrible episode and then try to find a colon cleanse type diet for our brains.

The episode begins with Tony Danza assigning his class a five paragraph essay about who is responsible for the death of Caesar in Williams Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. This essay will be a big part of the students’ grades because it will count as a project grade AND as a participation grade. Oh sh*******t. The students are not happy about this because they do not like writing essays. Algernon explains.

“We just finished reading the book; why we gotta do an essay already?” says Algernon. Jesus Christ, Algernon.

The next day, Tony Danza’s students meet in the library to do research for their Julius Caesar essays. But it is stiflingly hot in there. Tony Danza, in a very orderly manner, has his class leave the library and assigns them to do their research as homework no just kidding obviously that is not what happened.

Tony Danza instead calls the local media and announces he will put on a fund raising show for a new air conditioner called ExtravaDanza. It would seem there is no problem so large that Tony Danza cannot fix by simultaneously failing America’s youth and tap dancing.

Granted, it is a nice thing to put on a fundraiser to try to help out the school, but, honestly, Tony Danza should really be focusing on… WAIT WHAAAAAAT??? Remember Ben AKA Kyle and his adolescent mustache?!

Well! He finally shaved!!!

F*cking yesssss!! And I think he also started using a different shampoo. He looks great. This is the highlight of the series. Now back to the awfulness.

The next week, Tony Danza collects the essays. The problem is a whole ton of them just straight up did not do it. Matt M, Chloe, Crystal, Algernon and Nick all failed to turn in an essay, which really just makes you wonder… who is Nick?

Where’d this kid come from? Was he in any of the other episodes? Maybe he was and we just didn’t notice. Nick’s like, “What? So, anyone who doesn’t have an adolescent mustache is just invisible to you?!” And you’re like, “No, no, no, Nick. It’s not like that at all.” And then he’s like, “I could grow an adolescent mustache  in ten TV seconds.” And you’re like, “Seriously, Nick, you really don’t need to do that.” But, uh oh, it’s too late.

Nick. That is really not constructive. Your testosterone is causing some serious continuity issues.

Tony Danza tracks down the students that didn’t turn in essays and eventually gets them all to hand one in. The essays, however, are terrible. Tony Danza assigns the class to make revisions. He is especially hard on Chloe. She used the word “conspectus” in her essay. Tony Danza is not okay with that because, no duh, conspectus is not a word. Tony Danza scolds her for making up words and not taking the assignment seriously. The interesting thing about this, though, is that conspectus is absolutely a real word and Tony Danza is an absolute f*cking bozo. Also Ben AKA Kyle’s mustache is back.

Good God, please let this show end.

Anyway, Tony Danza gives failing grades to half of the students for their essays. This prompts worry from the school administration. An assistant principal takes notice and brings it up with the principal.

Also, Chloe goes to see the assistant principal and asks to be taken out of Tony Danza’s class.

The assistant principal convinces Chloe to stay in the class, but now Tony Danza is in trouble, and he gets called into the principal’s office.

They have a long, boring conversation that can pretty much be boiled down to this.

Principal: You’re not doing a very good job at all.

Tony Danza: I think I am doing a good job.

Principal: You’re really not.

And it’s toward the end of the episode, so you start thinking, “How awesome would it be if this is how the show ended — if they just ended the whole thing with Tony Danza being called out for being a little dumb? But then he leaves the principal’s office and there’s this whole other scene. Goddamnit.

Oh, but wait… is Tony Danza going to get called out for being dumb in this scene too?! Yup! But they probably aren’t going to play triumphant music as he’s being called out for being dumb…right? OH YES THEY ARE!!

“That’s what happens when you’re a schmo who thinks he’s a teacher.” – World’s most efficient CONSPECTUS of Teach: Tony Danza.

So that’s it! Then the show ends. In fairness, there was some other stuff in the episode I didn’t mention. For example, there was a troublemaker named Johnny who Tony Danza tried to take under his wing. But by the end of the episode he was arrested and now faces up to 3 years in jail. Also, they had the ExtravaDanza where a guy in for-no-reason overalls donated an air conditioner.

But aside from that, nothing happened. No major revelations about anything and no real resolution to the series. But that, in a way, is perfect. We can finally put this seven episode nightmare behind us and move on with our lives. Goodbye, Tony Danza. And, more importantly, goodbye, adolescent mustaches.

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