NATALIE PORTMAN’S FIANCE IS HOT AS SH*T: A Guide

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Well, what a Christmas it must have been for Natalie Portman and her beau, French ballet dancer Benjamin Millepied. Besides the fact that Natalie is topping every year end list, from “Best Actress of the Year” to “Most F*ckable,” today it was announced that the petite Portman has a baby growing inside of her. Even better? It will barely be a bastard when it’s born! Natalie and Benjamin are engaged.

Now the question on most everybody’s lips: Who is the future Mr. Portman? Well the answer is very, very satisfying.

We bring you now a post from this Spring, with an updated title: NATALIE PORTMAN’S FIANCE IS HOT AS SHIT: A Guide. Enjoy your new knowledge all over again:

From April, 2010: An item in today’s Page Six read as follows:

Natalie Portman will show her support for her new squeeze, New York City Ballet principal dancer Benjamin Millepied, by gracing the company’s spring gala with her presence Thursday. Sources say he and Portman are “very much in love.”

Hmm… a ballet dancer, eh Natalie?

You know, considering you could just about land any man on the planet, we’re a little surprised. I mean, we would have thought for sure you would go for a guy with a killer body, masculine charisma, good face, and oh my god what is happening humina humina humina no:

For those men out there wondering why THEY are not the ones wining and wining Natalie Portman, allow this “Natalie Portman’s Boyfriend Fiance Is Hot As Sh*t: A Guide” to explain why.

For starters, Benjamin Millepied is a principal dancer at New York City Ballet and, according to his Wikipedia page, “a ballet choreographer of international reputation.”

He also looks like this:

Do you look like this? Probably not.

Benjamin was born in France and began dancing at the age of 8 with his Mother.

He also has the abs of a shark. Do you have shark abs?

No, if you’re lucky, you have a ab. This is why Natalie Portman is not avoiding the lens of paparazzi while being photographed with you on the street:

Oh, one more thing: DO RAINBOWS BURST FORTH FROM YOUR PERFECTLY CARVED MARBLE CHEST?

Unlikely.

Can you look like someones hot widowed neighbor in 1978 with little to no effort?

No.

Can you pick your Mom up over your head for Mother’s Day?

Your Mother hasn’t talked to you in years.

Can you turn an average employee of the passport authority into stone with your crystal clear gaze?

Can you redefine the meaning of masculinity?

Can you make ghosts cry?

Can you do the Elaine?

Can you kiss Natalie Portman without her calling the police?

This is why you’re not dating Natalie Portman.

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