I Want To Hold Britney Spears’ “Hold It Against Me” Against Me

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Good day to you, Americans. Here is what I want you to do right now. Take your right arm, position it at one end of your desk, windshield wipe all of the papers and folders and other crap off your desk onto the floor, and place two giant speakers where your bull-ess work once sat. Then, get your pressing play finger ready.

BECAUSE THE NEW BRITNEY SINGLE IS HERE.

IT’S CALLED “HOLD IT AGAINST ME.”

YOU WILL HOLD IT AGAINST YOU ONCE YOU HEAR IT. PRESS PLAY.

Ahh, the sweet, smooth, robotic slut sounds of Britney Spears. It’s all so familiar! In the best kind of way.

Now, let’s be honest, the song is not groundbreaking. This isn’t C&C Music Factory territory. But let’s consider when you listen to Britney Spears songs:

1. At a bar.

2. In a club.

3. In the car, alone.

4. In your room, alone.

5. In your room, alone, crying.

6. In your room, alone, dancing.

7. Wasted, anywhere.

So how does “Hold It Against Me” hold up?

Um, here’s a hint: You would be happy to listen to it in any of the above-mentioned scenarios. It’s just the perfect amount of repetitive beat to fall nicely into the background of another Saturday night of “ceiling is spinnings.”

In fact, the more I listen to it, the more I like it, as is the case with most any Britney song. So far, it’s not hitting my “Entire Blackout Album Sweet Spot,” but I can definitely see myself applying Black Swan eyemakeup to my face while listening to this pre-party and then smearing said eye-makeup off my face with vodka shots at the various clubs I’ll allow you to believe I go to.

The song also features one of my favorite techniques employed in song: The ol’ “Singing Underwater” bit, done perhaps most professionally in the “Still The One” remix by the glorious Shania Twain. That alone earns it a “Dead Man’s Float Thumbs Up.”

But the most exciting thing about this new song is it means that there’s another Britney Spears music video coming to us in the immediate future. If it’s half as re-re-genius as “Oops I Did It Again,” then it’s a regular Christmas in January Miracle!

CONCLUSION: Let’s face it, Britney could release a demo album of her retching up Jaegermeister into a hotel sink and I’d probably buy it on Itunes. Compared to that, this is a walk in Prostitute Park. (Apparently a place.)

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