Last night’s Critics’ Choice Movie Awards were a star studded affair, full of impeccably dressed A-listers like Natalie Portman and laugh out loud moments. But in Hollywood, the party never really gets going until the cameras stop rolling. Fortunately, we were on the scene and are ready to spill our guts.
As the show closed, we made our way back to the Press Tent in hopes of catching another up close glimpse of Natalie Portman (who utterly transfixed us on the red carpet earlier, to the point where it wasn’t until after she left that we realized we were standing in a shallow pool of drool). As we waited around, we quickly realized that we were actually standing in the exact same place where every celebrity who attended stayed until the end of the show was getting picked up by their limos/Escalades/4-wheelers*. That’s when we saw…
- The drop dead gorgeous Mila Kunis standing all by her lonesome, politely thumbing away on her BlackSwanBerry. Was she texting Macauley Culkin? Was she rearranging a reunion with Fez? Was she trying to send your @unclegrambo a DM? Sadly, we’ll never know, as we were far too nervous to actually talk to her and far too respectful of her personal space to peer over her shoulder.
- As she was wrapping up her missive — yes, we were probably staring — our ears recognized a familiar, deep timbred voice. We broke our gaze, turned our head and thought to ourself, “Man, that guy looks a lot like Jon Hamm.” And guess what? It was! He and Kunis embraced on the carpet and we immediately began envisioning the future of what almost certainly would be the Best Looking Couple In The Universe™. Sadly, their conversation was interrupted by…
- None other than Julianne Moore! The three quickly triple-kissed (celebrity style, not Ronnie from Jersey Shore style, you sickos!) and began amiably chatting. It was at that point where both Moore and Kunis politely excused themselves as they got word that their car had arrived. As they both realized they were walking for the same car, Kunis deferred to Moore and proclaimed, “It’s all yours.” Moore was all, “You sure?” and Kunis was all, “Yeah, I’m sure,” then Moore was all “You sure you’re sure?” and Kunis was all “I’m sure I’m sure.” Their politeness towards each other was so cute!
- Finding himself dissed by the ladies, Hamm began chatting up Aaron Sorkin, the genius who wrote the screenplay for The Social Network. As the two conversed, Señor Spielbergo Steven Spielberg walked by, at which point both gents turned their attention towards one of the most powerful men in Hollywood. Spielberg looked a little pressed for time, as he traded very brief hellos with both men — Jon Hamm’s face lit up when Spielberg said “Hey Jon” — before quickly rushing to his limo.
- As this was happening, we saw CCMA Best Actress nominee (and stone cold stunner) Jennifer Lawrence approach BFCA honoree Quentin Tarantino. The two quickly exchanged pleasantries — we heard mutual “I love your work!” statements exchanged — and just as quickly made their separate ways.
- Hey look, there’s Ben Affleck and his statuesque bride, Jennifer Garner! We saw lots of beautiful women last night, but there’s something about Jennifer Garner’s cheekbones that make us weak in the knees (not to mention every other part of our body). Ben “Phantoms” Affleck wasn’t looking too shabby, either.
- Dizzied by the amount of celebrities in our line of sight, we did a 180 to look anywhere other than the limo line. It was there that Jon Hamm entered our line of sight again — we heard him asking a publicist where his car was, and her assuring him that “Don’t worry, Warner Brothers LOVES you, it’ll be here in a second” — looking all dapper and having a smokey treat.
- The Social Network star Armie Hammer and his straight up STUNNING wife Elizabeth Chambers spotted Jon Hamm and quickly made a beeline towards the Mad Men star. Hamm complimented Hammer on his voice, encouraging him to try and “get some voiceover sh*t.” Hamm also congratulated Hammer on scoring a role in Clint Eastwood’s upcoming biopic, J Edgar, telling him “You’re gonna be great.”
- It was then that we noticed that The Fighter director David O. Russell was standing right next to us. We complimented him on his Rod Laver Adidas kicks, which we had first noticed on the red carpet earlier.
From there, we made our way to the afterparty, which was being held at Siren Studios, just a few blocks down Vine from the Hollywood Palladium. We immediately spotted Jackass and Somewhere star Chris “Party Boy” Pontius checking out the cupcake selection while his Jackass pal Jeff Tremaine looked on. After making sure we got a double Grey Goose in our system, we made our way over to the totally awesome couple of Mark Duplass and Katie Aselton, stars of FX’s The League. They literally could not have been any nicer to me.
As I was chatting to them — Mark told me that he had just gotten word that The League had been picked up for a third season — I noticed Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards and her husband Mauricio making their way into the main room, where Maroon 5’s Adam Levine had decided to jump on stage with the house band. Levine sang “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” and “What’s Going On?” in what was easily the highlight of the afterparty.
The next thing we knew, it was 11:30pm on the West Coast and the afterparty was drawing to a close. We made our way to the cupcake table, grabbed one for the road and headed back to the hotel, exhausted but exhilarated. Aaaaannnnd SCENE!
*This bit was pure fiction. We didn’t see any celebs leave on a 4-wheeler. It would’ve been hilarious if someone did, though.