MY MOTHER RECAPS THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA: The Epitome Of Chutzpah

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Ohhh lawwwd. There has been so much delicious Real Housewives of You Name It drama this week that I almost don’t think we deserve all of it. Beginning with last week’s shocking Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale, where the ladies decided to give Kim the “Remember the Times” treatment and turn her into a quivering pile of dust. My Mother, for what it’s worth, was so distressed over the way Kim was treated that she couldn’t sleep all night. (What have you done to this woman, Andy Cohen?) The reunion this week is going to be off. the. f*cking. hook.

And then we head cross-coasts to that little Southern paradise known as The Real Housewives of Atlanta, or in the case of this week’s episode, my hometown of Miami Beach, FL, where Kandi Buruss and Kim Zolciak were to perform at some outdoor festival that 18 people showed up to. So the girl’s decided to make it a bachelorette party weekend for the doomed union of Cynthia Bailey and her fiance, Scatman Crothers. And the rest of the gang tagged along: Phaedra Parks, lawyer to the strippers stars, Sheree Whitfield, who has transformed into a demure Southern flower, and finally Nene Leakes. The once beloved Nene, who has managed to turn into a snarled, ham-fisted animal for what appears to be “no reason.”

The ladies met up in the house of a Die Hard villain in order to celebrate, sing, model, and eat. But mainly, to fight and say the word “slave” a lot. And then there was “Dat Ass.”

It’s been a while since we’ve checked in with my dear Mother, Judy Collins, on her Housewives take. And she really let it fly, this week, dishing the dirt on Kim’s German lover/hotel proprietor, as well as a slice of her own life with regard to male strippers. So what are we waiting for? Nothing. Let’s cut to the Mom Recap, shall we?

ON NENE “WICKED” LEAKES.ORG

Nene I think f*ckin’ lost her mind. That goes without saying. I don’t understand what happens to people that we like. What? Like, seriously, she was the one who went to make up with Kim last season, so she knows who she’s dealing with. Really, even with that Sweetie: She’s getting paid! What? She wants to call her slave, shmave, none of your f*ckin’ business.

So Nene already knew they’re going to a place where, first of all, where did Kim even meet this rich guy, and number 2, who talks like that? Who walks into someone’s house like that? She really is low class garbage. Between you and me. If you already know that the reason you’re in this drop dead villa is because of Kim, be gracious and shut the f*ck up!

I think Nene really is jealous of Kim. And you know I never like to use the word jealous because I’m not in Kindergarten. But there is some jealousy there, even though Kim sucks. Every time this girl sings I’m convinced that the country is sinking to depths unknown. I can’t believe this girl is singing. It’s the epitome of chutzpah.”

ON THOMAS KRAMER, WEALTHY RAPIST

“That guy, Thomas Kramer, was brought up on rape charges. It was in the newspaper! You know, I don’t live under a rock. Google him up and see about the articles. Thomas Kramer. He was married to some girl, got divorced, there was a major custody suit. He must have had some face lift. When Miami Beach just started to get redone, he was buying every f*cking property in South Beach. He wanted to build some high rise and they wouldn’t give him a permit. Then, you know, I stopped following the story.*

But that house is to die for. What was that painting? Half ostrich, half him? I don’t get it. Anyway, I veered…”

LET’S BACK BACK ON TRACK

“Cynthia had a huge f*cking ass. I’m in shock! She looks like a skinny minnie and when she turns around, that doesn’t look like a model to me. They have a right to laugh. I have a much fatter ass and when it comes to cottage cheese, I’m like a factory, but I’m not a model. She’s a pretty girl, but not the brightest. She has no business marrying this guy Peter when you don’t have 2 bucks to rub together. I don’t even see chemistry between them. Eventually your marriage, it’s like every marriage, there’s no such thing that you live with someone for 30 years and you turn each other on (Ed. Note: Uh, Mom? What are you saying right now?), but here, at least, when you date there should be some chemistry! There is nothing there. First of all, he’s old enough to be her father and he acts like it too. Almost like a Daughter Dad relationship, not like a boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe she’s looking for a father figure.”

MY MOTHER ON STRIPPERS

And the strippers? It’s like getting a whore from 79th street to come to your house. They had it once at my 40th birthday party. They got a stripper. How they got him to wear the waiter outfit I’ll never know. I said “Excuse me, I need some water,” and everyone was there — there had to be a billion dollars in that room. He starts unbuttoning his shirt. I said “Excuse me, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” It was the dirtiest 40th birthday party anyone has ever gotten. I have pics of these big society women yanking shit out from his underwear. He was ugly, the guy, but he stripped down to a little bikini and he had his business card in there. And this woman Nancy, she’s taking the card out with her mouth from his underwear.

PHAEDRA, THE CYNTHIA NIXON OF THE SEASON

And Phaedra! They always show her chewing. And all I see are those fake Halloween lips, she looks like a ferret or something, every time they show her eat. OK, she has her mouth closed, but she has so much lip gloss on, it’s just two glossy lips moving and moving for a long time. I’m thinking “What the f*ck are you chewing on, swallow it already for crying out loud!”

Nene. I don’t understand what happened. You know something, when Kim said “Oh, Sweetie can stay” and Nene’s friend said “Don’t bring me into it”? Who the f*ck was even talking to you?! She wasn’t even talking to you. Beyond animals.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS FOR MY MOTHER TO ADMIT THIS

“I have to say that Kim was the lady today, which is very hard for me to say but I’m saying it. And those wigs! You know, I have nothing against wigs, but she has a pretty face and every minute she’s covering it with that hair. I literally want to take scissors and cut a piece off. Because believe me, when you eat, it’s in your mouth. She’s like hiding behind curtains, it just covers her face.

You know who has a good voice? This Lawrence guy. You have to call him Miss Lawrence.

*Note from the Editor (me): She ain’t lyin!! Kramer was accused of rape and sexual assault by numerous women. He also probably had sex with Tara Reid. Basically, he’s the worst person from Germany.

So there you have it. What’d you think of last night’s episode?? And more importantly, will Cynthia show up to her own wedding next week? We say: NO.